Lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Lost
12
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 12:13pm

I am 42 yrs old, married for last 8 yrs have 2 wonderful kids.. Last year i started to have an affair with one girl (39) from our office, she is very friendly but also suffers from depression, have issues with commitments, is a workaholic, lacks energy and have no balance in her life...

When it started out, we both didn’t expected this to happen to both of us, but we both immediately fell for each other and started to share everything in our lives… both of us have shared stuff which no one else knows abt in rest of our life…
Past 8 months has been a turmoil for both of us, where we argued every other week but still remain connected somehow but from last one month... she is refusing to work with me on our so called relationship or anything else...

Knowing her past, i don't want to leave her alone yet again, want to work with her to overcome her issues but it looks like i am hitting a brick wall... emotionally i am very much in luv with her... so what should i do? leave her and wait n c..or continue to push her for making our relationship/ affair works..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: guy_lostnconfused
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 12:30pm

Welcome to the board guy_lostnconfused,


You need to make a decision. Either you save your marriage or you save the affair. You can't do both. If you really want to be with the woman you are having the affair with, the only way you

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2007
In reply to: guy_lostnconfused
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 12:56pm
i agree with cl-ctara19811 you should eaither save your marriage or get a divorce and save your affiar eaither way your hurting someone so you should take the time and find out what you really want...and what would benifit you in the end i mean think about your 2 wonderful kids..on what your putting them through and what they are going to think...the only reason i say that is because my mother did this to my father and it will tear your children apart emotionally...and thats something you should really think about...me at 18 still suffers from what my mother did to my father and i sit and wonder how different my life would be had my mother not cheated on my father...and you wouldn't want your children to think like that...just giving you a little heads up on how your children will act when they are old enough to understand...I really hope you make the right choice.. but if you really "love" this women your having an affair with and want to work it out with her i sugguest you end your marriage...because things will only get worse for you emotionally...when your looking your wife in the eyes knowing you are being unfaithful and what you are doing..well hope this helps a little bit... sincerley browneyedbabi
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
In reply to: guy_lostnconfused
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 1:41pm

1. YOU are MARRIED, cheating and lying to your wife. (not a good role model for your kids)
2. You work together(some companies frown on that)
3. She is cheating and lying with you.
4. She suffers from depression, has commitment issues, workaholic, no energy.
5. She is refusing to work with you on your "affair" GOOD FOR HER

Have you even tried to fix what is wrong with your marriage or just took the easy way and have an affair? You are both lying and cheating. How can you have a honest and trusting relationship with each other, when both of you are untrustworthy and liars?

Maybe she is tired of being the other woman? Maybe she is starting to respect herself a little a deciding that she is worth more than your crumbs.

There is nothing you can do to fix things for her....if she is depressed and has issues she has to fix that herself. And you need to find out what is causing you to behave the way you are. This is not just about you and her, you have a family, that should come first!!
If they do it with you, a lot of times they will do it to you. LEAVE her alone and work on yourself.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: guy_lostnconfused
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 1:41pm

This relationship/affair is being built on a poor foundation - disloyalty to your wife. It seems inevitable that the two of you will hit a brick wall, as you are not truly available to be in a relationship at this time. This affair can only give a portion of what a person truly needs. Clearly, she has many needs and issues and it must be difficult and frustrating for her to be in this situation as well - a kind of tease.


Why not work on your marriage, that you are in, and try to understand what is lacking in it, what is causing you to go to someone else. Unless you truly come to terms with your present relationship, and work out the problems, and make a decision about what you want, you are only playing games with someone else.


The woman you are having an affair with is wise to want to pull away. Let her. Give her space to work through her feelings and discover what is truly best for her as you discover what is truly best for you as well.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: guy_lostnconfused
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 1:54pm

Hi guy_lostnconfused,


You might find more support on this board:

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
In reply to: guy_lostnconfused
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 2:54pm

First of all.... thanks everyone for ur honest feedback... as some of u mentioned i haven't said much abt my marriage... which is true..n I have almost everything from my the marriage, we have respect, care n trust but we don't emotionally, physically n mentally connect (my wife is much younger...32)... my kids r wonderful... she doesn't work, so leaving her n running away from my responsibilities..is not an options for me... me n my luv both agrees with that... My luv actually never asked me to leave, she even insist abt me returning back home ontime even though she feels alone after i am gone...but i know that it stresses her as she couldn't share all aspects of my life... My 1st n only priority are my kids, they r gift n i luv them more then anything else....

During last 8 months, both of us always had verbal exchanges as she never had time (being workoholic) n energy for us n i always complained abt her absence besides bringing other things abt her behavior in front of her eyes... she is always over committed n is poor in time management / estimation... both of us relaized that but we feel n luv each other.

We only got involved, once we left the place where we use to work together (so no need to worry abt our work situation)... we both r very senior leads in our profession... money n career wise very secure n successful... have a lot of responsibility, which is why we never cared abt self until we met each other.... which is another reason why this is so special...

Being aware of the common sense i am very much sensitive to my responsibilities and roles which i am playing rt now... but then again i counter argue this by saying until now i have never lived or done anythign for myself either..always lived for someone else, taking care of everyone needs... my luv is MY need n desire... but i also don't want to run away from my responsibility....

abt my luv, she is the only child n no doubt needs an deserve mroe attention n i come from a family where i grew up how to work with my siblings....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
In reply to: guy_lostnconfused
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 4:47pm

You can't save her from her depression. You can't save her from her issues. There's no guarantee that even if you left your wife for your mistress, that it will work out. You are inviting more drama and headaches into your life, if you choose to be with someone who is broken like that.

You can, however, explore WHY you are having an affair and straying from your marriage. You seem to be quite co-dependent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
In reply to: guy_lostnconfused
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 9:57pm

I will apprecitae if u don't call her my mistress... I know it sounds like that but amistress does not ask u to go back home... also she will ask for more attention n maybe force u to leave ur existing responsibilities but My luv doesn't ...

more then that we both r sensible enough to understand when something unique happens in ones life... otherwise there is no reason for us to continue to do this... We have no dependency financially on each other... but we do have a good mental and emotional chemistry...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
In reply to: guy_lostnconfused
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 1:52am

Mistress, girlfriend, sex-partner... whatever!

You CAN'T fix your affair and you WON'T fix your marriage. Stop being so godd@mn selfish and set one of these women free.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
In reply to: guy_lostnconfused
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 9:23am

Where is the caring, trust and respect in your marriage? You stated you had that with your wife... how can you have that when you are lying and cheating on her? Where does trust and respect come into that? You "care" so much for her that you are cheating on her? You "respect" her, but you are cheating and lying to her, how is that possible? Sure you trust her she is a stay at home mom, raising 2 children while you are out boinkin someone at work.

Think of it this way... Your children.. if one is female, she got married, had kids and her husband was screwing around on her.... that would be ok because he was emotionally connected with the other woman? You seriously need to sit down and think about what you are doing, and either work on your marriage, or get out and be with the girlfriend. If your wife finds out maybe she will kick you to the curb and can make the decision for you.

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