Lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Lost
12
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 12:13pm

I am 42 yrs old, married for last 8 yrs have 2 wonderful kids.. Last year i started to have an affair with one girl (39) from our office, she is very friendly but also suffers from depression, have issues with commitments, is a workaholic, lacks energy and have no balance in her life...

When it started out, we both didn’t expected this to happen to both of us, but we both immediately fell for each other and started to share everything in our lives… both of us have shared stuff which no one else knows abt in rest of our life…
Past 8 months has been a turmoil for both of us, where we argued every other week but still remain connected somehow but from last one month... she is refusing to work with me on our so called relationship or anything else...

Knowing her past, i don't want to leave her alone yet again, want to work with her to overcome her issues but it looks like i am hitting a brick wall... emotionally i am very much in luv with her... so what should i do? leave her and wait n c..or continue to push her for making our relationship/ affair works..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: guy_lostnconfused
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:31am

Funny, I had a short relationship with a man recently who did what you are doing; he didn't get everything he needed from his wife, so he had an affair with another woman that last over 4 years. From what he told me, it was very passionate and they connected well emotionally and physically, but in the end, she wanted a normal life and that was something he was not in a position to give her. Years later, his wife found out about that affair and others and just as he was deciding to recommit to his marriage, despite the mediocre sex and intimacy; she decided to end it! My guess is that she didn't want to be with a man who prioritized himself and his needs above honesty, integrity and real commitment to his family - he was doing for himself. By the way, he thinks his life would have turned out much differently had he not gone down that path - he lost his family and his career nose-dived - I think he lives with a lot of regret and that is a very sad way to live.

But let's move onto you - you have never done or lived anything for yourself?? Why did you marry your wife? I'm sorry, but this selfish thinking is no excuse - you can always take up a hobby or interest that doesn't involve lying to and cheating on your wife. I implore you to really look in the mirror and decide what kind of life you want to have 10 years down the road. I guarantee you, you will not end up with this woman. Do you want a life with your wife and children? Unfortunately in life when we make choices, we have to live with those choices and make sacrifices and consider others - just because you have been considerate in your past life, does not absolve you of that obligation now.

Decide what you want - if it's your family, then work on creating a better physical and emotional relationship with your wife. If you can't see that happening and can't live with not having those things in your life, (and I think it's perfectly reasonable to want physical and emotional compatibility) then consider ending your relationship so that you are free to pursue those things with somebody else. The dishonesty that is pervasive in your life will catch up with you one of these days and it will leave a path of destruction and misery behind it.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
In reply to: guy_lostnconfused
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 12:20pm

Well tahnks everyone...for sharing ur thoughts... I have knon all these things for long time and have been in conflict abt what to do... I always knew what is important for me, that's my kids n their future... I am not selfish person and i will not do anything which will compromise their growth in any shape and manner...

I know the road will be bumpy n ride will will be rough but then again... life is always full of challenges anyway... so why not... I must be meant to go through this... And i also believe 'Anything that doesn't kill u, makes u Stronger'....

Feel free to share any more of thoughts and thanks in advance...

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