Lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Lost
7
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 9:43pm
My boyfriend of almost a year was not rehired in a company buy-out in April. Before that, our sex life was not regular, since then, non-existant. He won't even allow me to touch him. He has confessed to me that he fantasizes about women from his past. All of these woman either turned him down for a date or kicked him to the curb after only a couple dates. He can get an erection and masterbate over his fantasies, but he can't even get excited by me. He doesn't find me sexy.

I love him and I have put a lot of time and energy into us. I don't want to lose him over this, but he seems to think that he can fix it, but after a year, there has been no changes for the better, only worse. I am willing to stay and work it out, as is he, but he is constantly scared of the future and won't live for today. He says that he can't stay and hurt me this way. I keep telling him that I can ask him to leave whenever I want.

Lost, please help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: waterlily1702
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 6:08pm
waterlily...

The ONLY way the 2 of you are going to know if your destiny is to be together...is to give yourselves a little "breathing room" for about 30 days or so. Granted...the 30 or 31 day time frame sounds like it'll go on forever....but IT WON'T BE THAT LONG!

With a separation...you're gonna know if there's an honest desire on his part to make things work between you. You'll also discover that YOU are desired by others.

Can you 2 agree to a "trial separation" for at least a month? It might make a world of difference?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
In reply to: waterlily1702
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 6:58pm
"You're willing to stay and work it out.... I love him and I have put a lot of time and energy into us....after a year, there has been no changes for the better, only worse."

Remember you don't have to be a martyr. If you take a realistic look at your bf, this is how he is, his true colors. If he's fantasizing about his ex's those are the women his mind and maybe his heart are with. He's not with you mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Who's going to meet your needs while you take care of him? You can't make someone different so that he fits your idea of a relationship. It's sad but true.

My friend put a lot of time and energy into a relationship for 5 years and it didn't go anywhere, then she spent a lot of time and energy trying to help the guy understand why it wasn't working, then she spent a lot of time and energy trying to lose the guy. From one relationship to the next.

It might be a good idea to take that time away like Pianoguy mentioned and try to understand why you "need" to be in this relationship. If it's because you put so much time and energy into it, then you're the only one in the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: waterlily1702
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 10:56pm
'All of these woman either turned him down for a date or kicked him to the curb '

Don't you find it interesting that he is obsessing over people that treated him poorly or made him feel inferior at a time when he lost his job and his ego is most likely seriously affected?

He needs help. Has he thought about counseling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
In reply to: waterlily1702
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 10:17am
He has been treated poorly by most of the people that he has come into contact with.

The job that he lost was a position where he was in the public. People knew his name and came up to him regularly to talk to him. Before he met me he could have just about any woman he wanted. Some turned him down, some he turned down, but most of them there was a couple days or a couple of weeks and then he either didn't want them anymore or visa versa. In actuality, his job was the only stable thing in his life. And he lost it. Not by any fault of his own.

On the up side... he has been feeling better over the last few days. He is going to visit his sister for the weekend alone (which never happens). And he finally, after five months, just got his first interview!! Not to mention that it is with the company that he really wants to work for. His mood has changed drastically. And I have just planned a weekend trip with one of my good friends to visit a friend in CA that we haven't seen in years. I am keeping my fingers crossed that these little things could be a break through.

I know that he loves me and that he wants things to get better, but he has had a lot of stress lately. (And I am not making excuses for him. His life has changed drastically over the last year.) Hopefully he will get this job and things can get back to normal.

He did seek counseling and he didn't like the person, now he is afraid to try someone else. Plus, I would rather have him be honest with me and talk it through with me, not a stranger who needs weeks just to get to know him and his life.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: waterlily1702
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 1:25pm

There is no reason for you to stay in this kind of relationship, which is not meeting your basic needs, unless your boyfriend is willing to face the fact that he has a serious problem which is manifesting sexually (and most likely other ways as well) and that he needs professional help. Unless he takes responsibility for his issues and faces that presently he is non-functional in the relationship with you as a man, you cannot expect or hope for improvement. Things can only get worse. A basic component of a healthy relationship is that individuals are willing to face problems when they arise and work on solving them. He is just accepting this behavior and you are as well.


You also need to understand why you are willing to stay in a situation like this, which has been so dysfunctinal for so long. It would be good for you to speak to a professional counsellor as well to understand more fully what is going on and get the help and support you need in making healthy choices for your life.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: waterlily1702
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 3:24pm
You said that you keep telling him that you can tell him to leave whenever you want. I'm kind of curious just how you phrased that.

What to you is sending a message of love, "If I didn't love you I wouldn't stay with you." may sound like a threat to him, "If I don't straighten up, she's gonna dump me just like the others."

He's already feeling insecure having lost a job and been looking for a while without success. On top of that he's dwelling on these really negative memories by fantasizing not about women who he had positive experiences with but negative ones involving him feeling worthless and rejected.

If he doesn't deal with his negative self image the situation probably will not change. I'm no expert but I would guess that him saying he doesn't find you sexy is probably because he doesn't feel sexy or masculine around you because of his own failings which is why he's creating fantasies in which he is a big stud with women he failed with in his past. It's his way of coping with the fact he feels like a failure. And frankly he probably figures you see him as a failure too. Even if you’ve given him no reason to feel that way.

It sounds to me like he probably isn't an abusive jerk, just a guy who has serious self-esteem issues and could use some counseling to get over them.

Of course, if he refuses to get help or to at least talk to you and do some serious self-reflection regarding what’s really happening, the only choice he's really leaving you with is to bail and save yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: waterlily1702
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 6:13pm
'He did seek counseling and he didn't like the person, now he is afraid to try someone else.'

Finding a good counselor can be a process. Like anything it will only work if there is a good 'fit' between counselor and client.

'Plus, I would rather have him be honest with me and talk it through with me, not a stranger who needs weeks just to get to know him and his life.'

You are missing the point of therapy entirely. The process does and should take weeks or months. It is cathartic and necessary to spend time with with someone who is professional and objective and doesn't have a personal agenda (like a significant other). Talking his problems through with you should be part of your relationship anyway, not a replacement for counseling.

It is good that he is feeling better but the sexual issues need to be addressed.