Lost and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Lost and Confused
2
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 7:07pm
I am really lost and confused about a situation that I am dealing with my husband.

We met three years ago and I knew he had gotten this girl pregnant although they weren't in any relationship. He told her to keep it because he doesn't believe in abortion. I knew this from the get go and was very accepting of the situation since I also had a prior child from a past relationship. Well, 3 months into our relationship, this girl had told him it wasn't his child and she will confirm when the child is born. So we were both relieved and moved on with our lives. About a year and a half ago, this girl wrote him a letter revealing that my husband is really the father of the child since the paternity tests with the guy she thought was the father came back negative. It made me so mad and I know my husband was very disappointed but he still told her to send him paternity testing to confirm. He doesn't know that I had wrote her a letter telling her to stay out of our lives. I just hated the fact that she had played so many games with my husband and now wanting him to be part of their child together. We didn't hear from her until a month ago. She had filed child support for him to pay. I am so lost and confused about this whole situation. I know I am being selfish and not being very accepting. I think I am just scared to lose my husband's attention once he knows he has a son. I know for a fact he has no feelings for that girl and if anything, will take care of the child. What is wrong with me? Why can't I fully accept the whole situation and support his decisions whatever they are. At one point, I wanted to leave him because I couldn't deal with it anymore. I know it would be the biggest mistake since he has loved me unconditionally from the get go and I know he expects the same. Please give me some advices on how I can cope with this issue. I have sleepless nights thinking about this situation and its driving me crazy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 7:21pm
Well, your feelings - while understandable as being in a chaotic jumble - cannot be what you focus on or use to determine your actions.

If the paternity tests show that he's the father....and apparently that is the case because she's filed for support...what you have to accept is that in addition to your daughter, you have a son....and it's "their" son and now yours by default of this marriage.

You can count on her being manipulative and difficult to deal with. Rather than run in a state of terror going what sort of havoc can she wreck on our lives and our future...get factually realistic. If she files for support, he should (if her order doesn't include it) file for visitation rights. Wherever this child is - there is more than just "money" to be involved when being a parent.

Once there is court ordered support and visitation...manipulation by her regarding you, him, and your entire family can be kept to a minimum. It can't be elminated - her values justify her actions and she's obviously got values that don't allow her much character, conscience, integrity and honor or else she wouldn't have handled this situation this way at all.

So, you've got a little boy....to raise, and love, support, and guide - that's a great thing. Just like he took in your daughter as his to raise, support, love, and parent...you're going to take in his son.

If your daughter has paternal ties, support and bond - just like he deals with your ex, you'll have to accept and deal with his. It sonds like you're in a situation where you haven't "got an ex to deal with" - that he's not paying support, or involved with the child - and so this husband is the "daddy" that your daughter interacts with on a permanent basis and thus there is no manipulation, interference, or problems with an ex.

But, that's just simply not going to be the reality with the son....because he has a mom, who's going to get support, and who's going to make demands occasionally, and who you're both going to interact with for the entirety of this child's days on earth...because he's his dad, yoru his stepmother, and raising, guiding, nurturing, loving, and mentoring him - in addition to financially supporting him - is what you're required to do - if your values demand that.

This is one of those situation where you're going to be called on to act upon your beliefs, values, and standards - not your feelings. And it'll take alot of years of you doing that, and you'll find that you've earned respect, admiration and acceptance from yourself for doing it that you never even realized you were missing.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 7:51pm
::About a year and a half ago, this girl wrote him a letter revealing that my husband is really the father of the child since the paternity tests with the guy she thought was the father came back negative.

So the woman says the baby's father is either your husband or the guy that was tested...but your husband has never been tested? It could still turn out to be someone else's if she lied about the number of possible fathers. You husband should get tested ASAP.


Carrie