Lost and Confused, please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Lost and Confused, please help
3
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 1:48pm
For the past month or so, I have been lost in my thoughts and I really can't figure this out, so I'm hoping in writing this and having others read it and hopefully give me advice, I can resolve this.

So, the story begins, that in November I had finally gotten over my last boyfriend that broke up with me in June. This new guy in my life, Todd, is amazing. I met him through biking, and I see him every weekend when our group comes and train together. Todd is just sponteneous, fun loving, I just can't stop laughing when I'm with him. I started developing feelings for him, but I wasn't sure how he felt about me, but as I got to know him better, I liked him more and more. This went on through November and December, and we hung out with each other every weekend with the biking group, training and competing together, I never really saw Todd outside of that.

Well, New Years rolls around and I go to one of my friend's party and I met Eric there. I had known Eric through friends and I had hung out with him at other parties, I never really got to know him well, but we had some conversation. But on New Years, we seemed to click, and we hung out the whole night and morning, and I had an amazing time with him. To describe Eric in words, all I can really say is that he is perfect. I have never met a guy that was so absolutly perfect in every way. Eric is such a gentleman, caring, sweet, incredibly nice, attractive, funny, and so romantic. We kept on seeing each other afterwards, and Eric asked me out about a week after New Years. I said yes, because here I am with the perfect boyfriend ever, but then I came to a dilema.

I still have feelings for Todd. I saw Todd again, every weekend and I still like him a whole lot. This past weekend, Todd said that we should do something outside of biking, and he's going to give me a call. I really don't know what to do, because I know I have feelings for both Todd and Eric, and I feel like maybe I'm dating Eric for all the wrong reasons. He is a perfect guy, but I'm not sure if he's perfect with me. Yes, I love laying in his arms, him holding me, kissing me, but I don't know if that's exactly what I want. When I'm with Todd, we're always laughing, joking, and just having a good time, not that I don't have fun with Eric, but it's different.

I know this is overly lame, but if any of you have read "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin, I feel like it is kind of parallel to my life. The protagonist is married (I'm just dating, I realize) to the perfect man, all the women adore her husband and she realizes she is so lucky. However, she meets another man, single, carefree, and she finds out that she is truly living when she is with this new man. So she is essentially stuck between what she should want and has, and what she does want but doesn't have.

I'm afraid to break up with Eric, because he is such a great guy and I would never want to hurt him, but at the same time I feel like my heart is telling me to be with Todd. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do. I'm open to any suggestions, anything really. I just needed to vent, to get my position out there, to hear the thoughts, because I have been currently running in circles. Thanks so much, -LW

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 1:59pm
ummm...I don't see this as so much of a dilemma at this point. You just started dating Eric and haven't known Todd all that long. Why can't you spend time with both of them for a while? Why do you need to get exclusive with one or the other so quickly? It's easy to fall head over heals for someone in the beginning. You don't know either of them all that well. Spending time with each of them might help you determine which one is more compatable for you. It's not as though there is love involved.

If you choose to spend time with both men, make sure that they understand that there is no exlusivity at this point. You are dating and nothing more. You don't need to give out any details but you don't want to mislead either of them either. When you reach that point where you really click with one of them you can let the other one know that, though you enjoy spending time with him, you have decided that you desire nothing more than the friendship.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 7:25pm
Hello Lynn,

I hope that things have cleared up for you since you posted this entry. Here goes my two cents...

You already know what your heart desires. Your confusion comes from trying to conform your own wants and needs to what you think you should want and need based on what is considered, well, socially acceptable.

In other words, your heart and soul are screaming "Pick Todd!!!!", but your head is saying, "Any woman in her right mind will pick Eric. After all, he's perfect!" But you said it yourself, Lynn, Eric seems like the perfect guy, but you don't know if he's perfect for you. Whereas, being around Todd comes naturally.

After being in a relationship for long, sometimes it's hard to get back in touch with who you are separate from that person. Therefore, it becomes even harder to distinguish what you want and need for yourself, since you're so used to thinking of yourself as part of a couple.

Lynn, what I'm trying to say is, "Pick yourself, first!" Because as long as you are able to honor your needs and wants, it will become clear to you whom you should give the honor of sharing your self and your time.

The answer might even surprise you. It could be neither one of them.... right now.

I hope that you've benifitted from my two cents...

P.S. Read "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant. It can help you on your journey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 10:44am
'I'm afraid to break up with Eric, because he is such a great guy and I would never want to hurt him, '

To stay with someone because they are great but you don't love them is actually insulting to them. Don't do him any favors if your heart is with someone else.