Lost and Confussed
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| Wed, 03-17-2004 - 12:19am |
To make a long story short, we have moved 4 times already in the 4 years of our relationship, and it is beginning to wear me down (and him). I just don't feel happy with my life anymore. The area where we moved to doesn't have an abundance of jobs, and he is not happy with his new job. I feel so lost. I went back to school and graduated last July, and I've been looking for work and sending out resumes. Our relationship has been strained, to say the least. I do love him and he loves me. But lately, I've been taking inventory on my life. I feel depressed and hopeless most of the time. I know he is doing everything he can for us to have a better life.
I've started having thoughts of leaving. He knows that I've been looking at a place where I used to live. I broke down and cried, and he understood how I felt. I told him that I feel terrible for thinking this way. He is so loving, sweet and a wonderful person. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. I have so many mixed feelings. He said, "do you really think you will be happy alone?". And I know I would miss him terribly. I don't know if I would feel better being without him. We also have a beautiful Dog too. I'm just feeling really lousy today. My BF and I are in a state of depression, and I don't know what to do anymore. I know I need Counseling, but I don't have the funds to do that.
I think a lot about my past, and where I used to live and I sometimes wish I had never left. I feel that I've made one mistake after another with my life. I really don't want to go through a breakup.....that is too painful. I already went through a painful breakup with my Ex BF and I don't think I can do it again. I told my BF the other day that maybe we need time apart? He told me he knows I'm not happy. He told me to be true to myself, and don't hide anything from him. The last couple of days I've been crying and just feel "not myself anymore". The last several months have been really tough. My BF said "Do you just want to throw away the past 4 years?" I said "No, I don't".
I don't know why I am writing all of this, I'm really confussed and rambling on. Any advice, I would greatly appreciate. Thanks.
P.S. Not much of a "Happy St. Patrick's Day" for this un"lucky" Irish!

Look, i dont mean to be harsh but i'm tellin it like it is, because i don't want to u to do something stupid. And by doin something stupid, i mean leave ur bf. I know what u're thinking, u tell ur bf that u don't like it, as if the moment u tell him, he'll suddenly say "ok, we'll stay in one place or i'll get a better job, etc" IT JUST DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! This is reality, i mean i want my ex back and i dont like my life, but that doesn't mean i run away whenever something doesn't go my way. And this is what u're doin, u want to "run" from a situation u don't like. Well, take a dose of reality and call me in the morning. U have a bf who luvs u, believes in u, and u know it. And u'd jeopardize that love just because u don't like how things are goin financially? Get over it! And i'm saying that because u need to shake off that mentality. no matter how scared u may be or how broke u guys get, know that u are loved because love can get u through ANYTHING. Ask a couple who's been together 40 yrs, and sure they've had ups and downs, money problems & such, but u know what kept them together...LOVE. and u know what u should be depending on , the luv of a man who is all urs and no one but U can take that away. So don't screw urself just because u cant accept that everything is not perfect. Especially when u're really in love, even when things seem to be the worst they could possibly be. Because the only thing that gets u through it is love. and that's exactly what's goin on. u hate things yes, but ur bf's not goin crazy & "confused." Why? Because he luvs u and he's counting on ur luv to get him through this, just as u should be. So what r u doin? Go tell him u luv him and that he's all u need to be happy!
If u still don't get the picture, I'll tell u a quick story of my best friend, she's 20 and newly married. but her husband lost his job and they've been having a hard time financially, but she told me that they love each other so much more. This doesn't imply that she likes her situation, but she doesn't leave him just because life isn't goin the way she imagined things. And no matter what, they're staying together, because all they need is each other. i really hope this helps and i hope u apologize to ur bf for bein a mess lately and tell him that nothing else matters as long as he luvs u. Now go tell HIM!!
First of all, there is always counselling available - even if you do not have a lot of money for it. There are excellent clinics at hospitals and also at Universities. Go to the psychology department and asks about where you can get inexpensive help through a clinic. Or go to a hospital in your area. You do need help as it sounds as though you are in a depression and this could worsen. You need help to find your own life and what is meaningful to you, (including living in an area you feel supported in, with good friends, jobs, activities, etc.) One person cannot make an entire life for you. You have to be fulfilled and happy with yourself (as does your boyfriend) and then you can share that together. You can't keep following him around and going where he wants to go. He needs help and direction as well.
It sounds as though your desire to leave is not so much a desire to break up, but a desire to find yourself - to create a full life for yourself that would give you the support, stimulation, friends and necessary ingredients to make a life that works for you. Unless you have this, you cannot give any relationship what it needs, nor can you get the happiness and stability you require simply from a relationship. The fair thing would be to go to a place where both of you are happy.
Right now, the most important thing is to get your own life back on track again. If you do decide to leave and go where you feel good, let him know it's not about breaking up with him, but about finding yourself and feeling strong and good again. This time perhaps he can get up and go with you.
Also, please go for help with this. It will be good for you to get the support and clarity you need while making these important life giving choices.
Best wishes,
(Also, read my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love) for help with life and relatinship issues and many good exercises which will assist you in feeling better now.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
You need to meet some people girl!! Even if it is on the computer, or the local hall playin' bingo....you need to put yourself out there.Whats happening is you have moved so many times, you havent even had a chance to meet or make friends.In turn, you now feel like you have no one to turn too.Granted, you have a nice guy, but face it- it dont always do anything for ya to talk to him(especially when sometimes you need to vent about him.).That alone can wear you down. You have to have an outlet for these feelings. As for counseling....It can get expensive if you dont have insurance.Have you looked into any free government or local services provided by maybe a United Way?They offer alot of help and you can usually lolok in the phone book or online to find the one nearest you.There are alot of others also.
To be honest with you, I dont think running away to wherever is the answer.And, If nothing else your SO needs you now more than ever. (maybe the dog too :))
Everyone makes mistakes, its a part of life.You can carry those with you wherever you go, or chose to learn from them and leave them in your past. Carrying around regret does nothing.
Congrats on the recent graduation and teh job hunt too!!
Feel free to email me, or just post on here whenever your feelin lonley...there are some great people here...and great friends.
Best Wishes,
I know you can't run away when problems arise. It's just that in the 4-1/2 years we've been together, it's been nothing but instability. He is trying to find himself in his career, and so am I. We've been in a financial crisis for some time now, and his Mother is even helping us out financially. I love him very much, and I know he loves me. It would hurt like hell to be without him. He even said, "Being apart will only make things worse for us, not better."
The thing is. When we both got together, I was going through a very painful break-up with my Ex BF (we were together for many years). And we moved-in together right away. I felt like that wasn't the best thing to do, but he loved me and wanted to be with me. He has always been there for me. I felt like I should have given myself some time to "grieve" over my last relationship, and this made our relationship very difficult. He knows I still think about my Ex, and sometimes I question if I did the right thing. It put a lot of strain on us, BUT he still stuck by my side.
He has done so much for me. I sometimes feel that I don't deserve him, because he can do better. I told him that I have "baggage", and that he'd be happier without me. But, now we've been together 4-1/2 years already. He even said: "Is this about us getting married?" We did talk about marriage, but the timing is not right now, because our life is in such "disarray". That wouldn't be the smart thing to do.
I've been through so much, emotionally in the last 4-1/2 years, it's amazing that I haven't cracked by now.
Besides money problems, the other issue is his Family (Mother). Sometimes I think that She'd rather he be with someone else. She probably thinks I'm a "gold-digger", which is far from the truth, because when I met him, he didn't even have a job. He was fresh out of College. The fact that his Mother is helping him out financially, gives her power. And my BF hates that. He feels like she has him by the "balls". Which is true. I don't like living like this, nor does he.
The bottom line is, yes "I am scared", and don't know what the future holds. Sometimes, I think that something is wrong with me. I sincerely want things to work out between us. I know there are people worse off than me. There are people who have moved around more than I have.
I sacrified a lot to be with him. I mean, I left an area where I was "happy" and I loved living there. Now, I don't think I will ever get back. I get mixed messages from people who say "You gotta do what is right for YOU" and not get dragged all around creation. I don't want to move anymore. I am sick of it. I am in my mid-30's, and this is ridiculous already! I will never get ahead in life by moving around all the time. But, him and I BOTH made this decision.
I just want stability in my life. This is probably the worse situation I have been in.
Thanks for listening. I appreciate everything you said, and I will take everything into consideration.
You hit the nail right on the head. I know one person cannot satisfy all my needs and make me happy. I expressed that to him. I said, "I can't depend on you to make me happy, I have to do it for myself."
Sometimes, I feel I just keep making the same mistakes with my life. Because the last relationship I was in, we moved around a lot (for his career). I felt like I was living in his shadow. I don't want to do that again.
Thanks. Your help is much appreciated!
I know that running away from this won't help me either. I am going to look into support groups in my area.
Thanks a bunch! All of this advice from everyone really helps me to see things clearer!
Sometimes, all you need is a little push from an outside source....a third party to give you some perspective.
The sad thing is that when we moved here for my BF job, we were hoping it would be a good opportunity, but things aren't going that way. Our life has been in "limbo" because we have all our furniture and belongings in storage, and we were only planning to rent an apartment (temporarily). I never thought we would move here, and be in this situation. I really want my BF to be happy. I wish he could find happiness in his career. I'm trying to find a job as well, but not having any luck in this area.
I just feel like I keep digging myself into a hole. I try and give my BF all the love and support I can, and he does the same for me. I just can't live like this much longer, it's really dragging me down. Things have got to get better. I never thought my life would be such chaos. When will it end?
My BF said that I will not be happy until I move back to where I lived before. He feels the same way that I do. I just don't know what is going to happen next. I feel I have no control over my life, and that is scary. I hope things turn around soon.