Lost cause - better to break up??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Lost cause - better to break up??
9
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 4:59pm

Ok, I'm sorry this is long, but I need some help. I've been dating my boyfriend for the last 2 and a half years. Of course in the beginning everything was great, blah blah blah. After the first year we talked about marriage, kids, future (we're both in our early 30s). Then he lost his job that he loved. He became depressed and kind of took it out on me. I did what i could to try to get him through it, even though sometimes it was him being crabby, mean, accusing, etc. to me. I kept telling myself he's going through a tough time and it's not him. So he eventually got a new job and things started looking up and he apologized for everything and that he really wanted to be together and have a good life.

Well, that lasted for awhile and then I started getting depressed this last winter. I think i was just so emotionally drained from everything with him that I needed a little TLC, and winters are hard anyway. I tried talking to him about it, and I thought he understood, but now that he was in a good place it seemed that I was too much of a downer for him. He ended up hanging out with a girl he worked with so we broke up. I felt sooooo betrayed. So after a month (of misery) he ended up talking to me that he's so sorry and wants to be with me and loves me and made a huge mistake. So we got back together and tried to move forward. Unfortunately, it wasn't easy for me to get beyond everything. I felt betrayed that I was there for him during his hard times, but he couldn't be there for me. And then the extra punch of him just finding something "fun" and ditching the downer - me, didn't make things easier. So although we were together, we were struggling. He ended up getting a different job (away from the girl), and we had some good talks, but he still wasn't very supportive in anything i felt. A HUGE issue for us was sex. Being depressed and then also having issues with trust just left me with no sex drive at all. This irritated him, and the more he would complain about it the worse it made me feel and it just spiraled down. I understood that it's a major part of a relationship, but I just didn't have it.

So in the last few months all we seem to do is bicker about things and it always comes down to him making comments about never having sex. Which just made everything so much worse. I would then become a major b*tch, and he would be mean. It was not fun. So during all this i decided to buy a house (nothing to do with the relationship). The first thing he said when i told him is "I'm moving in." I was like "Whoa... we barely get along right now, I'm not sure if that's the best idea right now. We definitely need to talk about this." So it basically just kept going where i said we needed to figure some things out and he refused to talk about it. He just said we've been together over 2 years, we either take it to the next step or it's done. No discussions. So 2 weeks ago my offer was accepted and the first thing he said was "I'm moving in." I said no, that we needed to talk. He blew up, and said then it's over and since we don't have sex anyway there's no point in being together if i don't want to move in and he doesn't get laid. (his word, not mine)

So he stormed out. That weekend we both had different plans - i was going out of town for my friend's bridal shower and he was going away to his sister's college graduation. He ignored most of my calls that weekend and was ice cold on the phone. I come to find out that he was hanging out w/ one of his sister's friends that weekend. (his sister is 22, he's 30). huh? I don't know what all happened but it's all very shady and he's being a major a-hole. I tried talking to him twice after we got back and he was icy and mean. So I just said that I understand if his feelings were hurt about me saying no to moving in, but that he had to see that we're not in a good place. He didn't want to hear it or talk about it and that we should just be over because he doesn't want to deal with it anymore - and (of course!) he never gets laid. So although I was freaking out and devastated, when someone is that cold you just have to go. So a few days later i asked him if we could talk, and we did briefly. He said he was very hurt that I didn't want to live with him and that he's sick of not having fun and the rest of it and that we shouldn't be together. He kind of left it at that because he had to go to a meeting. I was a wreck. The next day he called just to chat. Then he called the next day but was so icy and making jokes about he wants to go out with his friend and meet girls (or not joking...). I told him that i didn't appreciate it and not sure what the hell is going on with us.

And that's where I'm at - what is going on??! I know on the outside it's easy to say "tell him it's over and never talk to him again." But i'm so upset I just can't seem to do that right now. (although i know he might not give me the opportunity, if he is in fact done). We talk very briefly every couple of nights, but it seems more out of habit - we don't actually discuss anything. If he says something cold, or to imply something about not being together then i try to get him to talk and get all upset, to which he kind of just shuts down and gets off the phone. Is it actually over? Is there any hope at all? I'm just kind of freaking out about it all. I know he's acting very immature and rude - so is that it, it's done like this? In one week he goes from wanting to live with me and saying he loves me to it's over and he doesn't want to be with me. I don't know what to think!! I need some clear headed advice. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 7:27pm
It honestly doesn't seem like you have much of a relationship left. Since you have been back together have you even been happy?? I think buying the house on your own might be just the step you needed to take. Enjoy it and your new life. YOu don't deserve a mean, immature and possibly deceptive man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 7:41pm

I'm sorry you're going through this.

A lot of times, a guy will act the way your boyfriend is in order to distance himself emotionally from a girl to better deal with a breakup. Most of the time it's subconscious. But if you find him being sarcastic, making slightly cruel comments, inciting jealousy, my guess is that this is his angle.

After two and a half years together, you should be pretty sure whether this guy is the one or not. Instead of being there for you when you needed him, he went off and spent time with another girl. Sure he's sorry but chances are he's just not the kind of person you can count on when you need it. I sort of agree with him that if you can't take a step forward then there isn't much point in continuing to date. It just doesn't look as though your relationship is really going anywhere. If you have no sex drive because of the bickering, then you should be speaking with a therapist or you should break up with him. He's not going to be happy if he's sexually frustrated. Sorry to sound shallow here but sexual intimacy for a man is equally important as emotional intimacy for a woman.

To be honest it sounds as though this relationship is on its last legs, and it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense to keep doing this when it's not working. I rarely recommend couples' counseling because if a couple needs a counselor before they even get married, then it doesn't say a lot for the relationship. Maybe it will help you to communicate better if you both wanted to try this, but it seems the real issue is that you grew distant from one another and are just not finding your way back. One of you is going to have to be nice, and I mean CONSISTENTLY nice, not turning into a jerk or an ice queen as soon as the other person says something that rubs you the wrong way. But right now you're both perpetuating a cycle of meanness that isn't getting you anywhere.

If you can't find a common ground on which to appreciate one another, be kind and move forward together as a couple, then you're not going to make it. I think you know in your heart if it's going to happen with this guy or not, listen to what that says. Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 11:33pm

Welcome to the board rubygirl29.,


Do you know what you want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-23-2008 - 12:22am
Hi Ruby. I agree with the other replies you've received. I can relate to your situation as very similar things have happened in a couple of my relationships. I found that once my sexual desire for a man disappeared because
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 5:58pm

I just wanted to thank everyone for their opinions and advice. I do need to come to the realization that it's too far gone at this point to "save" it. Since my last post, we had tried to talk about it one last time; I was looking for some sort of mature conversation or closure, and it seemed he was looking more for a platform to belittle me and be mean. So it truly just ended with him spewing out cold-hearted statements like he's finally free to hook up with girls that are fun and he can finally have the "crazy sex" he's wanted this whole time. He also went on and on how he truly doesn't care about me, us, etc. and that I'm so bad in bed.

So although I know he's just trying to hurt me, and being an immature a$$ about it - it's hard to listen to when your boyfriend of over 2 years is saying that to you. That, in itself, tells me I cannot be with this person anymore. It's just alot to swallow. Topping that off is although I want/need no contact, he's been calling me every other day just to "remind me we're not together anymore". Sat. night i was just leaving to go out w/ my friends and he called. All he said was "I'm just letting you know you should probably go out and get some numbers tonight, because remember we're not together anymore and I'm letting you know that I'm going to go and meet girls. Just wanted to make sure you knew that." And that was it. WHO SAYS THAT??!! The guy's 30 years old!

He also called me at work yesterday to again, remind me we're not together anymore and he can finally have the summer he's wanted for the last 3 years.

I have a hard road ahead of me I think...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 6:37pm

This guy is sick. Are you ignoring his calls? Really. Hang up and delete his messages of all types.


Have you been putting up with this kind of mean behavior for long. If so, why? That is what you really need to focus on for a while before you go out and 'get phone numbers' or find yourself in a similar relationship. Maybe you need therapy at this point to answer this question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 6:40pm

You need to stop answering your phone and block his calls if necessary.

The reason he gets in touch with you is because it makes him feel good to get through to you, to make you hurt so instead of moving on from him you'll feel pain over the breakup. He's having a tougher time moving on than you. Don't pick up the phone anymore!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 8:34pm

I'll echo what everyone else said - don't answer any of his calls, if he leaves a message delete it without listening to it, block him if you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Thu, 05-29-2008 - 7:20am

"Sorry to sound shallow here but sexual intimacy for a man is equally important as emotional intimacy for a woman."


Why are you apologizing?