Lost control over my life
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| Sat, 06-16-2007 - 6:06pm |
As I sit here I wonder what is the use of life? Well' I've been with my bf for 6 years. In this 6 Year we had our ups and downs. He brokeup with me twice (being really nasty with me before the brakeup) but we always got back together again. Sometimes when he got drunk he would get angry with me over silly little things so every time we went out I always watch what I said or did. He will call me a b*~ch or he will say he will hit me, putting his fist 2 my face. He never hit me though, but said he only said that so that I can leave him alone.(If I ask him whats wrong or say calm down)
At the place I work we also live in. When we were together 3 years I had to go home for my work permit and on my return friends told me he slept in another girls room. When I asked him about it (if he slept with her) he got so angry telling me I was accusing him of something he didn't do. He said he was drunk and past out in her room. They were talking apparently. He didn't talk to me for 2days. It was a really big Blow for me and it took me ages to get over it. I feel very very insecure. When finally I didn't keep on thinking about it and made peace with it, but still feel insecure. He started texting a girl he met on holiday in a tanning salon. When I asked him about it. He told me he had to give his phone nr to her cause tanning salons take your phone nr. I know that but he also give her his england cell phone nr. Why would she need it if we came back to England form our holiday????? And he said she was texting him. So I went on with live cause I didn't want to make him angry. So I didn't mention it again. Than last year he brokeup with me again.
Telling me he didn't love me. So I moved out. We were still working together so we see each other everyday. He also still slept with me. Stupid!! He also told me that he missed me and wants me back but nothing happend it was just talk. After about 2months a friend of him were telling me he liked one of the girls that worked with us. Still sleeping with me! This upset me. But when I asked him about it he just said he likes her as a friend but she told me he really liked her and wants to be with her.
Than suddenly he stoped talking with his friendS, told me he missed me like crazy and wants me back. Now he doesn't have any friend where I work anymore and he works at a nother place now. He said he was going through a small midlife crisis. So I took him back. But I can't stop thinking of her and him. I keep on comparing me with her in my mind. And I feel I am not good anough.
Now everybody is talking behind my back saying that he only took me back cause he could'nt get her. It makes me feel like (am I not good or nice enough that he wanted to take me back) I feel so confused, unhappy and sad. Who must I believe. I don't know anymore. It came to a point that I couldn't take it anymore so I brokeup with him. But we still live together. He cryed alot, that made me feel so sad. It felt that I was doing something really bad to somebody. He keeps on saying he loves me. And wants to spent the rest of his life with me. I confronted him about why he was so nasty with me in the past but he said it was his friends that droped hints about me and thats why his been like that with me. I don't know if I can believe him.I keep on thinking of all the stuff that happend in the past. I feel depressed and want to die. What if he is telling the truth. I just don't know anymore.
PLEASE HELP!!!
It feels to me everything I think or say is wrong. Can you please give me advice from your point of view.
gal_nina5

Welcome to the board gal_nian5,
Sweetie, I'm going to tell you straight, k? But as nicely as possible....
You are in an abusive relationship, emotional abusive especailly. He's a liar and he will say or do anything to manipulate you to get his way.
Okay gal nina, this guy is a lying, abusive sack of crap. He takes no responsibility for his behavior and eventually when he does actually hit you instead of just threaten it he will blame you. I understand your self-esteem has taken a beating but you will not find redemption with someone who abuses you.
He can cry and tell you he loves you till the cows come home but he's still blaming others for his behavior and you are still wanting to believe in his lies and excuses. You are actually trying to believe that it is his friends fault that he treated you that way. Do you see how wrong that is? Do you see how dangerous it is for you to let him slide without ever having taken responsibility for the hurtful, hateful things he has said and done to you? Where do your wants needs and desires fit into this equation. You're afraid of him!
The truth is you can't trust this guy and you need help dealing with your depression. Believe me you will see things much more clearly when you have stepped out of this situation and onto the path toward recovering your self-esteem.