Lost my dream man

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2007
Lost my dream man
7
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 2:05am
hope? Please e-mail me with encouraging words. I don't know how to go on. Many thanks!


Edited 12/18/2007 12:25 am ET by girlinlove1972
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 5:20am

Hi Girlinlove.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2007
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 10:53am
I continually broke up with him because in the beginning he broke up with me for a week because I walked out on him in an argument. Since then I was so hurt that when it came time for him to leave for work for 8 months..I felt that we weren't solid enough to do such a big thing but I did love him and was conflicted. I know now that I was doing these things to get him to say that this will not work if i keep this up. I wanted open communication but he kept on glossing things over by making promises that now he's broken because he's given up. My therpaist says I have intimacy issues and I recognize it and have been making conscious efforts to change my way of thinking through behavioral cognitive therapy. I'm doing the work..I just don't know if I have a chance with him and it's killing me because he's the person I have been waiting for all my life. It just got so hard with him leaving for 8 months ...coming back for 2 months then leaving again for 5 months. I never felt like we were able to bond like normal couples and this distressed me a lot and I was never sure what I was waiting for and in the end I felt like..I should consider my options because it's been 2 years already. I really needed to date others because I felt I had lost myself with dating someone who was always leaving and I was not getting my needs met. My wish is that he will love me and take me back having faith that I am working on my issues. It;s just the whole thing about him saying he wishes I would date others sometimes so that he'd want me more. That makes me feel as if he doesn't love me enough but I think sometimes people need to step back and remove themsleves so that they don't go deeper into resentment...then when you're healed then you can communicate with clarity about what you do want and what you don't want.I hope we get to that point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 11:25am

"I feel as if he had to break up with me in order to heal to see if he wants me again."
I don't see it that way. I think he had to break up with you in order to be away from a relationship that was causing him pain. After all the "false" breakups you put him through, he just wanted it to be over. He probably doesn't see breakups the way you do; as a bargaining chip or a way to try to get someone to pay more attention to you. After all you two have been through I think he wanted to break up for real.

I think you need to move on, but also take a close look at your actions and try to understand exactly what happened. It's good that you are in therapy. Breaking up with someone continually is an immature way of dealing with feeling inadequate. I did it too, when I had relationships a little earlier in my life. You have to realize that every time you say "it's over" a part of your relationship dies for good. A man can only take so much of that.

The best relationships do not have extreme highs or lows; they are two people who are comfortable and happy and mostly consistent with one another. Rollercoasters wear people down, even though there is extreme happiness it comes at the cost of extreme sadness or anger.

It seems you realize what part you played in this mess and what NOT to do for next time. We all make mistakes and dumb decisions in relationships; what's important is that we learn from them and not repeat them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 1:15pm

I think it is really good that you are in therapy to work out the game playing and self esteem issues that have sabotaged the relationship and could sabotage future relationships with him or anyone. How is therapy going? Have you been able to focus on the reasons behind this? Try to separate your feelings or missing him from figuring our why you do this.


How many months were you actually together??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2007
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 2:32pm
Yes the therapy is working. I am learning to think before I am impulsive and my therapist says that because of dysfunctional childhood...when things are uncertain I want to control them by running away ...I have made a list of all the things I can't do in a relationship. I am trying to get back to being independent and happy being alone. He and I were together for a year before he left for 8 months...During that 8 months we talked everyday and it was great . but this last time when he came back for 2 months...he was too afraid to tell me that he had another job. I started getting anxiety because he was leaving again and we got into discussions about marriage and he said he wouldn't be with me for this long if he wasn't thinking about it. but the thing is...it had been two a two year stretch of putting things on hold that I started to pannick. I wanted him to think marriage because if he had I would have been willing to wait..but he wasn't ready and had doubts and so that fed my insecurity to which I wanted to date others. I just turned 30 and decided that if I want a family I have to be serious about things and figure them out. I thought that he would love me enough that he could let me go and when we come back we could discuss. When I say date...I agreed to just go out with guys without kissing or any pretense of a relationship. but now I realize it was foolish and a huge mistake .I love him so much. We went through so much for each other because we loved each other and I just really want an honest try again. I wrote him a letter early on when I started goingg to therapy. He says he has his own issues too and that maybe he should go to therapy. Not sure what his is. He said that when he gets back after 2 more months that maybe we would have worked out our issues. It's my wish that he will miss me and want to see me when he gets back for the new year for a week. That way we can talk and I think when he sees me...he won't be able to deny his feelings anymore and will want to make it work out? Sometimes I wonder if I should just ask him already so I can move on and not cling onto hope
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 3:08pm

Don't ask him anything and don't contact him either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 3:52pm
It seems like you have such a fear of abandonment that you leave before the other person has a chance.