Lost Trust

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Lost Trust
5
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 4:06pm
Hey everyone....well, to start, I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown....my serious boyfriend (We were planning on getting married within a few months, and he was my first..) broke up with me....he told me he says he can't trust me, because, "I changed myself to make him like me more"

I did, for one week, try to act a bit diffrent.....which was stupid, because we had the ideal relationship......but it was also the week I moved home from a university I was attending because I missed him so much, and I was PMSing.....but anyways, all his other girl friends, changed everything about themselves to make him stay, and so he now thinks I'm just like them, altough I'm the one that came clean and apologized about it. We are both incredibly honest with each other, even when it hurts, so I don't see how this "breaks his trust"

Anyways, now we are on a "break" until he can trust me again.....does anyone know how I can do this? I miss him so much....we haven't gone a day without talking since we met, and now it's been about 4 days since we've spoken.....I haven't eaten in 4 days either...I really want to start repairing it...but how can I make him miss me without him forgetting me?

Thanks for any help you can offer...:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
In reply to: stormy_rainbow
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 4:21pm
hey there, i honestly really feel your pain. the exact same thing happened with my first love. when it comes to trusting someone you cant make someone do that. i am curious though why you would act differently for him when everything in the relationship was okay to begin with? if its becasue you missed him and were pmsing he needs to know thats why you were different, not because you were trying to get his attention and change for him. thats just silly talk. i think the problem here is that he is the one with trust issues. from what i know you have done nothing to make him not trust you. if you are honest with him from the beginning then there is something else he is dealing with. it might not be wise but i would call him and talk to him more in detail about what is truely going on in his mind. what it is exactly that you did to where he thinks made him lose trust in you. as for you, please try to get some sleep and whatever you do eat! your health is more important than anything. and if it helps cry as hard as you want. let it out, i promise you'll feel better afterwards.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
In reply to: stormy_rainbow
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 4:52pm
Hey, thanks for the advice, but I can't call him right now....we've talked alot about it already, and it is his trust that is the problem...and I don't want to run him off by keeping on talking about it, ya know? .but I'm still worried that he'll realize he doesn't need me anymore....or something....and I changed for that one week, and I'm not sure why. I guess I was afraid he was going to leave, just because I had been a little stressed the week before...I just drank some orange juice and crammed a bit of food down my throat...I realized that if we're on a break and he sees that I've broke down and lost all this weight and looked like I've been crying, he won't have much of a reason to want me back, ya know? I miss him loads....everyone always told us how perfect we were together...and we were....I just want it back....and it's hard waiting. But I'm trusting God. Even though I am a wreck, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
In reply to: stormy_rainbow
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 5:13pm
doesnt food tate great, hehe, im just giving you a hard time. just know that you havent dont anything wrong. there is something else going on with him that you have no control over. this isnt your fault, its him that has trust issues. if you are meant to be he will come around and things will work out. if you feel that you have already said everything you need to say to him about this situation then i would not talk to him. take time to take care of yourself, thats the important thing. i promise life will get better and in time you'll be stronger in your own life!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: stormy_rainbow
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 1:48am
Give him time to miss you.

Take care of you. Treat yourself the way you want other to treat you. Most people are 'attractive' when they are independent, having their own life, being them, not being clingy, desperate or needy, you are right not to call and continue to talk about it. He has to come to the conclusion on his own that he misses you and wants you in his life. If you become that 'independent' woman that has her own interests, her own schedule instead of merging your life with his, you will be more attractive.

Start journal writing. Vent your feelings on paper, all the hurt, tears, write about everything that is on your mind, everything you want to say to him. Then make a list of all the things you enjoy and start doing them - things you've always enjoyed/new things you ant to try and start doing them - call friends, go to the movies, go to dinner, go shopping... start making your holiday list, start a craft project, makes gifts, get yourself busy.

Since you are having trouble eating, think of simple things - make protein shakes or go to a juice bar and buy them, crackers, soup, tea, Ensure.

Reading material to consider:

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

Self Matters, Phil McGraw

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis

Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel

All Men are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise, Daylle Deanna Schwartz (not what you think)

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
In reply to: stormy_rainbow
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 10:59pm
Thank you both so much. He leds worship at my church, so I thought it would be hard this morning, but worship was amazing. My mother and my other older friend both said that saw him looking at me many times during the service, I only looked at him once (he caught me, lol) I'm doing much better today, I've eaten three small things. I'm also sleeping a bit better. He talked to me for about five minutes after church when he came over to where his sister and I were talking to a male friend of ours about going to eat lunch. They left and told me he had some of my "burn items" (we burned most of our ex's letters and such together, and I had found some more and had them in his trunk) and asked if I wanted them back or if he should hold on to them. I smiled real big and told him to hold on to them and left! Anyways, I'll stop rambling, but it's all going better. God is cool :)