Lost trust
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| Wed, 09-01-2004 - 7:03pm |
When we argue we never seem to stay on track and get the issues resolved. Then it gets personal and I shut down, sulk etc the usual response from a guy.
We have lots of cash but our spending is always out of control, we just keep pushing ourselves without any real plan to control debt. The credit cards are crazy. we bought an expensive block of land and are contemplating a very expensive home that I don't wnat to commit too. its just too much. I want to be able to enjoy the good income and spend it on her and the kids, we are in our forties and I don't beleive I can keep earning the income we are getting used to. I have asked and asked to discuss our finances and slow down but it never happens.
So the other day when her parents were staying with us, I came home from a hell day at work and I was very quiet. The next thing I know I am being accused of being a rude bastard. "Why are you spoiling my parents holiday. (Step father is very ill and may not get back again for a holiday, so I suppose I should have made more effort)"
Then on the weekend we looked at a very expensive home and signed up despite my fears. A few days later I cracked up, telling her parents how much we were already in debt and that I could not keep up the lifestyle expected by their daughter. Yes I blamed her. fatal mistake. And in reality I am as much to blame.
Despite all this I love the girl to death and would do anything for her, but there has to be a limit (financially)
We are still talking but she says she is not sure that she loves me, or in particular trust me because i blurted all this out to her parents, my parents and a friend.
What can I do to regain her trust and love Please help.

I think you are correct to be concerned about finances. Your only problem is standing up and being a man. You seem to let your W run all over you. Instead of telling your W "No, we are not going to do this right now" and discussing your concerns with her, you sat back and let it continue until you became so frustrated that you blurted out all your frustration to the wrong people. So now what to do? Your W may be mad, but she's probably more embarrassed than anything. Apologize to her for tell anything to your parents and in-laws, but then explain your frustrations and tell her that you are not going to commit to ANYTHING financially except getting your debt and spending under control. Come up with a budget, discuss your goals and make some plans for the future. But don't grovel. From now on, step up to the plate and be the man, be the husband, and be a part of a team with your W, not a door mat. JMHO.
Reading material to consider:
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Gottman
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
(show her the list and let her help pick one)
And print this for reference:
Ten Rules for Fighting Fair
It's great if both partners will follow the rules, but these really help even if you're the only one following them. It's amazing how just one partner doing this can de-escalate things in a marriage.
(1)Discuss only one thing at a time. No dragging in other issues, events or people – that’s certain to escalate the discussion into an argument.
(2)No hitting below the belt. Declare certain topics, historical events or comments “off limits” because they’re sure to cause pain or start a fight. Then LEAVE THEM ALONE. Agree to discuss those issues, if necessary, only for a specific purpose and under safe conditions, such as in the presence of a third party.
(3)Only one person at a time gets to talk. The other gets to listen – not debate, defend their position, or counter-attack. Then take turns. MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER’S VIEWPOINT before you talk about your own.
(4)Take a time-out, with a guaranteed time-in. When you feel things escalating, take an immediate time-out and try again in a half hour. If you can’t do that, you must commit to talking about the issue later, at a specified time. The purpose of the time-out is to stop the escalation, not the discussion! If you call a time-out, you MUST call a time-in. If your partner calls a time-out, leave him/her alone – don’t follow your partner around trying to continue the discussion.
(5)No character assassination. Talk about specific behaviors, not your partner’s personality. “I’d like you to pick up your clothes” is appropriate; “You’re a slob” is character assassination.
(6)No “mind reading.” Don’t jump to conclusions about what you THINK is meant by what is being said or done. Stick to what is actually said or done. The responsibility for revealing meanings and motivations belongs only to the person who has them.
(7)Don’t try to re-create history. Too many people argue over historical details – exact words, who did what first, in what time frame, etc. – instead of identifying actual problems and solutions. Stick to real issues you can do something about NOW, and stop fighting about whose memory is more accurate.
(8)Take responsibility for your own feelings, desires, needs and behaviors. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements, as in “I want you to…” instead of “You should…” “I’m angry that you were late” is talking about your feelings; “You’re always late” is blaming.
(9)Look for resolution, not agreement. Partners don’t have to agree on things, arrive at the same conclusions, or see things the same way; this is not only impossible, it’s boring! Individuals are allowed to have their own opinions, interpretations, feelings and thoughts about things. Trying to win a “Tastes great! Less filling!” argument is fruitless and unfair.
(10)KEEP THE RULES EVEN IF YOUR PARTNER DOESN'T. Your partner fighting dirty doesn’t give you permission to do the same! Fighting dirty is a character issue – don’t compromise yours.
Carrie
To add more confusion to the financial situation, which should be easily fixed, my wonderful wife says she may be starting menopause. Now I understand where making love went!
Can the women out there please help me with ways I can support my wife as she goes thru this. How can I deal with my physical needs as well.
http://webcenter.health.webmd.netscape.com/content/article/74/89287.htm
http://www.power-surge.com/menobook.htm