Lost trust.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Lost trust.
5
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 10:05am

DH and I have been married for over 15 years. After having our first child, 10 years ago I noticed DH staying out longer when he had time to get out alone. Once he went to a used bookstore and was gone for 4-5 hours. Over the last 6 years he has had several women friends online. We had talked about this but DH says it's only a friendship and how could anything ever happen with them being in another state. He sees no wrong in it but I feel betrayed. Now I am noticing that he types his emails before going to work while I am sleeping and if I turn over he looks over his shoulder to see if I'm looking or getting up. He is guilty of something. He also has his email settings to permanantly

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: ruffus38
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:51am

Im my opinion,

 

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ruffus38
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 12:02pm

Living with suspicion and doubts is a sure fire way to destroy a relationship. You've got to open this up and discuss it fully with him, letting him know how you feel about it. Naturally, all married people deserve and need to have friends in their lives. It depends of course on what is going on in his correspondence, and why he seems to be hiding it. Let him know that this is destroying your feeling of safety and trust and that honesty is crucial if things are to be what they can be between the two of you. Find out if he is having issues with your marriage? Are there things between the two of you that need to be addressed? Is there enough fun and quality time the two of you are having together? Sometimes individuals turn to fantasy and fantasy relationships to fill some gap.


Don't jump to conclusions about what's going on, but also don't keep hiding from it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: ruffus38
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:10pm
That fact that he hides his "friendships", has everything deleted, checks to make sure you are sleeping or still asleep is NOT GOOD. You are right to trust your gut on this.

And if he's like most people (male and female) that are hiding things, he will not confirm anything and will deny everything if confronted even in the most non-attacking way.

So you have to decide how you want to proceed - take him on a date - "I'm glad you have friends online, however I'd like to have that kind of friendship with you." See what he says..... if he's not very forthcoming.... here's what a few people have posted about various spyware programs:

eBlaster and there is also Spector Soft. Both are very good and cost about $70.00 and are well worth it. They email you snapshots of chats, IM's, emails sent and received, keystrokes typed and websites visited. He won't even know you installed it, it is invisible once installed.

I'd be putting some spyware on the computer for sure. I got mine at matewatcher.com, and it worked perfectly. It is a 5 minute download and 5 minute install, then you can check your computer anytime for what has been done on it. Any novice can use it easily. Just don't get any "free" spyware, it alerts the user, lol.

You can install a net nanny program on your computer. It records everything and is extremely easy to install and use. No one ever know it's there except you. You have a key code and password to log on. There's no icon on the screen or anything. It cost me $99 and I was able to immediately download it within five minutes. I got mine through www.spectorsoft.com Then be careful about ordering online, as it will record all keystrokes including credit card info.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
In reply to: ruffus38
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 10:55am
Yeah, I have thought about that too, a "date". Or start my own "friendship" with him and see just how far it will go. I really hate that I cannot trust him and would even think about doing this. But something isn't right. I didn't really know about the spyware for such things and it is kind of expensive for me. Another thing is that he has a spyware detector on the computer , would it be detected? I think it is mainly for companies that keep tabs on your cookies. (you can tell I don't know
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: ruffus38
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 11:30am
I agree. This is very suspicious behavior. And that out of state excuse doesn't and shouldn't reassure you. If he is spending time emailing someone in a romantic way then your marriage is in trouble. Who knows what he is telling her(them).

If he won't talk about it then you have to find out for yourself. Good luck and let us know what happens.