In love but have a crush?
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|Wed, 02-15-2012 - 3:44pm|
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. We have been inseparable since we met. I truly believed that I found the man I would spend the rest of my life with. However, about a month ago things went from being perfect to being miserable overnight. He is one of the most laid back people I have ever met, which someone has to be date me, I am a bit of a narotic perfectionist. I don't think he has ever once even raised his voice around me, directed at me or anyone else. However, the problems all started when he began to dramatically increase the amount of marijuana he would smoke. I told him that this was a deal breaker for me, and it had to stop. From there, about three weeks ago, we pretty have been in a nonstop fight, and I mean and all out screaming war. I don't necessarily scream myself, but when I get frustrated my voice does get loud. Regardless, for two weeks straight all we do is scream at each other. He also calls me names and punches walls/doors when he gets really frustrated. I have been in an abusive relationship before, so I definitely began to distance myself from him because of this behavior. In two weeks we probably spent 3 hours together. About three or four days ago I went over to his apartment to break up with him because I just couldn't take the fighting anymore. I just couldn't bring myself to leave. We talked and I stayed the night. Ever since then, he has been trying so hard to make things better. But, I just feel like something isn't right. I feel this weird tension almost like I have to censor myself so we don't fight, or almost like I am hanging out with my best friend and not my boyfriend. Perhaps I couldn't let go because I have invested so much time and effort into this relationship. In December I traveled to Colombia, South America to meet my boyfriend's family, which was quite a big deal. Not to mention, I am very attached to his parents who live near me. Maybe I am just afraid of change, or afraid of hurting him because I do want him to be my best friend no matter what.
Now this is where this 'crush' comes in. I do consider myelf to be a very loyal person, whether it be with my family, friends, or boyfriend. In every relationship I have been in, I don't even find other men attractive, let alone even notice their existence. However, I have been spending a lot of time at a local coffee shop, where most of the employees have become very good friends. One of the guys that works there has definitely shown an interest in me. It really worries me that I thoroughly enjoy his company, and find him very attractive. I have taken a few lunch breaks with him, and we pretty much are the same person. It is not so much a question of whether I should be with my boyfriend or this new man. It is more of a question of why am I allowing myself to develop feelings for another man. Everything I see in the future, I see my boyfriend there too.