In love but have a crush?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2012
In love but have a crush?
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 3:44pm

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. We have been inseparable since we met. I truly believed that I found the man I would spend the rest of my life with. However, about a month ago things went from being perfect to being miserable overnight. He is one of the most laid back people I have ever met, which someone has to be date me, I am a bit of a narotic perfectionist. I don't think he has ever once even raised his voice around me, directed at me or anyone else. However, the problems all started when he began to dramatically increase the amount of marijuana he would smoke. I told him that this was a deal breaker for me, and it had to stop. From there, about three weeks ago, we pretty have been in a nonstop fight, and I mean and all out screaming war. I don't necessarily scream myself, but when I get frustrated my voice does get loud. Regardless, for two weeks straight all we do is scream at each other. He also calls me names and punches walls/doors when he gets really frustrated. I have been in an abusive relationship before, so I definitely began to distance myself from him because of this behavior. In two weeks we probably spent 3 hours together. About three or four days ago I went over to his apartment to break up with him because I just couldn't take the fighting anymore. I just couldn't bring myself to leave. We talked and I stayed the night. Ever since then, he has been trying so hard to make things better. But, I just feel like something isn't right. I feel this weird tension almost like I have to censor myself so we don't fight, or almost like I am hanging out with my best friend and not my boyfriend. Perhaps I couldn't let go because I have invested so much time and effort into this relationship. In December I traveled to Colombia, South America to meet my boyfriend's family, which was quite a big deal. Not to mention, I am very attached to his parents who live near me. Maybe I am just afraid of change, or afraid of hurting him because I do want him to be my best friend no matter what.

Now this is where this 'crush' comes in. I do consider myelf to be a very loyal person, whether it be with my family, friends, or boyfriend. In every relationship I have been in, I don't even find other men attractive, let alone even notice their existence. However, I have been spending a lot of time at a local coffee shop, where most of the employees have become very good friends. One of the guys that works there has definitely shown an interest in me. It really worries me that I thoroughly enjoy his company, and find him very attractive. I have taken a few lunch breaks with him, and we pretty much are the same person. It is not so much a question of whether I should be with my boyfriend or this new man. It is more of a question of why am I allowing myself to develop feelings for another man. Everything I see in the future, I see my boyfriend there too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 4:40pm

You know, you're not married or apparently even living together and you've only been w/ your BF a year (which is actually not investing a lot of time into a relationship unless you are 10).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 6:39pm

Your bf sounds passive aggressive to the Nth degree and, as such, you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 11:55pm
It sounds as if you and your current BF are just not compatible. You said it yourself that the pot smoking was a deal breaker, and you can't make someone be interested in the things you are if he really isn't. He will just be pretending he's interested to please you. Love is only one part of a relationship, if your not compatible as a couple it really won't work out in the end. It sounds as if you have much more in common with the other guy because as you said "he has all the qualities your bf lacks" Really, you would not be so interested in this other guy if you were truly happy with your current bf.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 11:59pm

Lets start with the "crush" first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 02-17-2012 - 8:56am

sugarplum, since you have been in an abusive relationship before, you should already be aware of the fact that you are more likely than most women to find yourself in abusive relationships. Therefore, you need to get extremely strict about making signs of abuse an absolute deal-breaker for you. Punching walls, calling you names, these are not things you should tolerate under any circumstances. Regardless of how long you have been with someone (a year is about the time it takes to see a person's true nature), if things escalate to the point where a person is verbally abusive or dangerously angry (physical violece against objects, not even people necessarily), you have to leave and not look back.

"I want things to go back to the way they were with my boyfriend."

This is impossible. People do not go backward, relationships do not go backward. What you're getting now is more real and genuine than the relationship you had, the one you wish for. You'll have the beginning loveliness of a new relationship again, at some point in your life, but it will be with another (and hopefully better) person. One who does not turn into a jerk overnight.

It doesn't matter how attached you are to his parents. You're not even compatible together. You should not be with a man who, for whatever reason, punches doors and walls and calls you names. You have a crush on another guy because you find him attractive and you're looking for an "escape". Please develop a plan to leave your boyfriend TODAY and start moving forward. I don't think you should put any effort into the coffee shop guy at the moment. You have a lot to do in order to sort things out. The scary part of your post is that I see a previous abuse victim saying things like "I raise my voice too" - Do not, for a second, believe that you are causing him to call you names or punch walls. Everyone raises their voice, everyone gets angry. Not everyone gets abusive over it, but your boyfriend does, as your past boyfriend did. Please see the signs now and get out. Best of luck to you...