Love Him Enough 2 Leave?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2007
Love Him Enough 2 Leave?
7
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 11:58am

My boyfriend & I have been together for nearly 2 years. The topic of marriage comes up fairly often, however, I always brush it off. It isn't that I cannot see myself spending the rest of my days with him, but we have very very different pursuits in life. I do not want children, ever, and he wants one within the next three years. He is fully aware of my plans not to have any children and that I plan to enter a 3 year graduate program next year. Even if I did want children, now would not be the time. He is just as adamant about having a baby within the next 3 years as I am about not having one ever.


What should I do?


Everytime I try to have a serious talk with him about it, he simply says something like "I'll have a baby by the time I'm 30 and that's all to it"


Well, what does this mean?


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 1:40pm

Welcome to the board bbygryl1983,


You say neither one of you will change your minds. If that is the case, I don't see how the relationship will ever progress into marriage. Because if you get married, then the person who doesn't get their way is going to end up angry and resentful.


Either one of you is going to have to compromise or you will have to end the relationship.


Sorry.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 2:32pm

"I do not want children, ever, and he wants one within the next three years."

Break it off now and save yourselves 3 years of heartache.

There's no possible way your relationship can ever hope to work out, I'm sorry. Please stop fooling yourself into thinking that you can be together. You both need to find other people who want to fulfill the same goals as you do.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 2:38pm

If the two of you have such different desires for your lives and different life directions, you should pay attention to that and honor it. It isn't fair to either of you to remain together under these circumstances. We can love many people, but it does not mean that they are the right person for us to marry and live a life with. When you marry,you need to have similar values, goals, desires and life direction. It seems as though, in your case, there is a fundamental difference in a very basic need. If he so badly wants children quickly and you do not, but have other goals right now, this should be respected. Having a child, or not having a child,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 3:40pm

Welcome to the board bbygryl1983,


Knowing that you have different goals and expectations in a relationship is a good thing..... I remember a line from the movie Shop Girl, something like 'do you want to hurt now, or hurt later?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 3:42pm

Dr Shoshanna, I can't possibly figure out what you mean by finding a "middle road" between a person who never wants to have children and a person who knows he wants to.

As it's not possible to have half a child, one person would have to compromise 100% while the other gets his or her way 100%. Time frame isn't really the issue here, as it sounds that in 10 years he'd still be wanting a child and she'd still be against it. It's a very black-and-white situation where there's no grey area for compromise, I'm interested to know what kind of compromise you think is possible between two people who know they need such completely opposite things from the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 5:11pm
Hmm, that sounds a little harsh... I don't think it's wrong or selfish to want a baby, just as it's not wrong or selfish to NOT want a baby. A man does not want to have kids with a woman because he sees her as some kind of baby making machine... But the bottom line is that this is the biggest and most unresolvable incompatibility that a couple can face and there's no way it can work out while they both want separate things... And it's unfair for both of them to try to change what the other wants.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2007
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 5:41pm

"But the bottom line is that this is the biggest and most unresolvable incompatibility that a couple can face and there's no way it can work out while they both want separate things... And it's unfair for both of them to try to change what the other wants. "


I agree with you.