Love the man, hate the relationship.
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Love the man, hate the relationship.
| Fri, 02-20-2004 - 7:33pm |
I'm very sad about this. I've been dating a wonderful man for over a year. The thing is, we've always had connection problems. I know, big deal, doesn't everyone. I don't want to change him or anyone but I have a very definite vision of how I want a relationship. I've told him that it isn't working for me, that I crave a deeper connection. He says he does too but that he has trouble opening up. Okay, that's fine, I'm willing to help him work through that. If that's what HE wants then I'll be patient and help him get there.
We had one fantastic weekend about a month ago. Both of us said it was exactly what we've both been seeking. But ever since then he's been even more in his shell and I hate it. We talk and we talk and we talk some more. I'm so frustrated, saddened and disappointed. I guess we both are. What do I do? I love so much about him but I feel so lonely sometimes in this relationship. Any thoughts will be so appreciated. Thanks!

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Thanks for your comments and suggestions. But let me ask you, should a relationship such as this require THIS much work? Is this a sign that it's doomed to fail?
Dr. Phil wrote a great piece about Relationship Myths. Here's the URL to read it ... it is worth the read:
http://www.drphil.com/advice/advice.jhtml?contentId=082902_relationships_myths.xml§ion=Relationships/Sex&subsection=Dating/Singles
I have to say Spice.man, your post had me confused. Boobeetrap spoke of a seemingly effortless, contented relationship. Then I read your post that made me think perhaps this sort of bond is a fantasy and I should simply give up this desire. I agree, I have to see my role in our problems.
I love him b/c he's strong, safe and gentle. I hate our relationship b/c it's boring. He's aloof and I feel more like a companion than a lover. He always talks of wanting to find someone to share HIS life with and I crave finding someone to share OUR lives with. I know he loves me but I don't feel he "cherishes" me. Is this Hollywood romance that I'm seeking?
Any guidance will be greatly appreciated. I really want you all to know how much you're helping me sort through this. Thanks!
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Thanks Zurah and everyone else.
I have to say Spice.man, your post had me confused. Boobeetrap spoke of a seemingly effortless, contented relationship. Then I read your post that made me think perhaps this sort of bond is a fantasy and I should simply give up this desire. I agree, I have to see my role in our problems.
I love him b/c he's strong, safe and gentle. I hate our relationship b/c it's boring. He's aloof and I feel more like a companion than a lover. He always talks of wanting to find someone to share HIS life with and I crave finding someone to share OUR lives with. I know he loves me but I don't feel he "cherishes" me. Is this Hollywood romance that I'm seeking?
Any guidance will be greatly appreciated. I really want you all to know how much you're helping me sort through this. Thanks!
D and I met online over a year ago. Early in the relationship he sent me touching emails after our dates. He was very affectionate and gave me lots of attention. Then within a month of going out he said he loved me. I was like "huh?". It was way too fast and something didn't seem to fit. Though I liked him, I sure wasn't anywhere close to being in love yet. I felt uncomfortable and immediately presumed that it was *I* who didn't know love. See, I was relentlessly sexually abused as a child by my step-grandfather. He made it out to be this loving affair so my ideas and perceptions of love/sex have been grossly distorted. Please understand I've spent the past 5 in intensive therapy for this so I'm way down the road. Still, I wasn't sure why I freaked so much. I told him I needed him to back off the "I love you" talk for the time being until I could find my way. He was okay with that. Now that we have much stronger (and more real) feelings for each other I get nothing more than an obligatory "love you" at the end of the phone call.
I have told him repeatedly and very specifically that I want him to treat me the way he did in the beginning. I told him I want to hear him really tell me he loves me rather than some flip puncuation at the end of a call. BTW, he admitted the other night that he only said those things in the early part of our relationship b/c he felt I wanted to hear them. Argh! See, that's why I flipped. I sensed the insincerity in his words and actions. I'm very sensitive to being played. He says he is scared off from being more romantic b/c I made such a stink about it last year. Try as I might to assure him of the differences, he still seems resistant.
I always have said it's easier to give birth than it is to resurrect. So often I worry that this relationship is requiring too much resurrection. Mind you, I would LOVE to help him work through his insecurities about sharing and opening up. Quite frankly, I know I want and need someone to support me as I continue dealing with my own wounds. Passion is still a troublesome spot for me. I see the work bringing us much closer together. But I'm not going to do the work for him. It seems as though the only time he really pays attention to me is when I threaten to leave. That makes me feel it's not me he's in love with, but he wants what he can't have. Make sense?
So, please, if you see anything in here that might help me I would love to hear about it.
What I learned is that going through abusive situations has a direct impact on how we perceive and give acceptance. Our ideals or standards for acceptance can be significantly higher than others since we didn't feel accepted as kids no matter what we did. My guess is that you do not feel accepted by your boyfriend because he is not giving enough affection & attention to you in the ways you need to receive them. The weekend you had a month or so ago represents the acceptance ideal you have and you need that repeated on a consistent basis. Would this be an accurate statement? The other question will be - can we expect the intensity and consistency of those feelings to be present on a daily basis?
Your boyfriend does have his own issues and I somewhat understand where they come from. When a man is vulnerable and fully displaying his emotions and then gets cut down at the knees, he becomes very hesitant to repeat that scenario. What he needs to learn is that with no risk there is no reward.
Finding acceptance starts with offering foregiveness. Foregiveness provides great freedom and with this freedom you open your world to a great amount of choice. With this freedom the past becomes irrelevant as you can not change it. You can live for today and the future with a positive frame of reference. That's your job. Are you able to forgive your boyfriend's past words and actions? Are you willing to redefine acceptance from this day forward?
All of this is based on my personal experience and the things I did to move forward. It took a lot of time, effort and patience. It may not reflect at all where you are at but this is the only way I could see to address your situation as I am not qualified to offer solid advice.
I wish you the best of luck as I would guess that both of you are unsure as to what you need to do and the best way to have it achieved.
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