Love the man, hate the relationship.
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Love the man, hate the relationship.
| Fri, 02-20-2004 - 7:33pm |
I'm very sad about this. I've been dating a wonderful man for over a year. The thing is, we've always had connection problems. I know, big deal, doesn't everyone. I don't want to change him or anyone but I have a very definite vision of how I want a relationship. I've told him that it isn't working for me, that I crave a deeper connection. He says he does too but that he has trouble opening up. Okay, that's fine, I'm willing to help him work through that. If that's what HE wants then I'll be patient and help him get there.
We had one fantastic weekend about a month ago. Both of us said it was exactly what we've both been seeking. But ever since then he's been even more in his shell and I hate it. We talk and we talk and we talk some more. I'm so frustrated, saddened and disappointed. I guess we both are. What do I do? I love so much about him but I feel so lonely sometimes in this relationship. Any thoughts will be so appreciated. Thanks!

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We're getting really close. Thanks for talking this through with me.
You said, "What I learned is that going through abusive situations has a direct impact on how we perceive and give acceptance. Our ideals or standards for acceptance can be significantly higher than others since we didn't feel accepted as kids no matter what we did. My guess is that you do not feel accepted by your boyfriend because he is not giving enough affection & attention to you in the ways you need to receive them. The weekend you had a month or so ago represents the acceptance ideal you have and you need that repeated on a consistent basis. Would this be an accurate statement? The other question will be - can we expect the intensity and consistency of those feelings to be present on a daily basis?"
The answer to your first question is an absolute YES. Granted, that might be too much to expect on a daily basis but, jeeze, I feel as though the only way I can recapture that moment is by threatening to leave, it just doesn't come to him easily.
I'm wondering what your thoughts are on this. Do you think it takes someone else who has grown up in similar circumstances to desire the same thing? He, and my ex-husband, grew up in Beaver Cleaver lives. It's almost as though their worlds can't hold mine.
As you can see, I'm trying to find the right answers. I know I hold very high standards for what I want out of the relationship, any relationship. I guess I'm more wondering if what I want is too much to expect and perhaps I need to temper my desires. *sigh*
Damn, I'm 48 years old and I guess I've never been truly in love. I just want it so much.
Oh well.....
you could see a therapist. try it and see if it works.
or give the ultimatum. YOU shouldnt have to feel lonely in a relationship. imagine what it would be like in marriage, do u want him to be closed off to your kids. do u want him to be humble when u give birth. dont u want to share the things that make u jump with him. eventually when u have dreams that u want to go for or u need any kind of emotional support, how can provide that when he cant connect.
take time apart, decide what really right for you. everyone deserves something greater when they have to constantly hover on the same issue. its just a matter of knowing when enough is enough, and that the toughest part.
hope this helps, dont feel lonely where there should be so much love. dont you want to be happy and come home to someone that u know 100% is there for you, to love you and to share with you each others lives.
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