In love with me but afraid of marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
In love with me but afraid of marriage
1
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 6:36am
Dear Relationship Saver and fellow readers,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years; he's in his late 20s, I'm in mid early 30s. We're very much in love, sparks in the bedroom, sparks intellectually, nice circle of friends and family on both sides, both individually career-minded and see the next few years as focusing on career goals. Since I am older, he automatically saw me in the beginning as wanting to get married, and ever since "day one", he had in his mind that despite this great love, "we'll probably break-up because you want to get married and I don't". We did have several discussions/arguments/near-break-ups over the issue; and I was pressuring him for a 'plan', not necessarily a ring (but he never seemed to believe that). He said he finally 'snapped' under the pressure, and now his mind is telling him we must break-up. Although, he's hesitating.. he says he's still in love with me, still wants me, and still thinks I'm "perfect".

I obviously want us to stay together. I told him that I would wait until he was ready to marry, and that marriage isn't what I want right now anyway as making certain things happen in my career is really important to me. He feels the same way about his career. I told him I just wanted 'coordinates' to where we were going. Anyway, I can't tell if he believes me because he doesn't say anything when I tell him this. In any case, behind closed doors I'm devistated. I try to keep my cool when we speak.

He says he's not sure if he wants to break up, but he thinks it's the right thing to do so he's not holding me back. When I say then we must break up now, he retrenches and says he's not sure. Since I don't want to break up either, the only solution I had was to give him space. I told him to take his time thinking about it, and in the meantime I'm going to stop thinking about it. I'm leaving out a lot of details because it's too long.. but essentially it's clear to me that he's confused, he's still in love with me, still wants me, but feels guilty that he's not popping the question and wants to stop feeling guilty.

I suspect giving him all the power to decide whether or not we're through might go against all the relationship books out there, but I just kept thinking about that famous poem that we've all heard at weddings that says "Love is patient". I have actually stopped getting emotional about this, and I'm focusing on my work now, so in a way I'm in control, too, but of course only of myself. I'm trying to think positive, but I'm also wondering if by giving him all this power he might get bored or get used to not having me around, and like it better that way. Although, I'm hoping he considers that that could work both ways.

Did I do the right thing here?

Thank you for reading this..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 10:36am
I think you have every right to want to be married. You should break up now, explaining what you want, and verifying his feelings that he is not sure so you don't want to pressure him.

Then this is where the patience comes into play. You have to be patient to allow him to miss you and see if you are the right one for him. I believe he will come back to you with a proposition for marriage.

If it just goes on now you will ruin the relationship because you will become unhappy and resentful and you will waste precious time.