IN love or just loving him???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
IN love or just loving him???
1
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 11:26am
My BF and I have been going out for almost 10 months. We had known eachother through highschool, and elementary, but never hung out. We met about a year ago, and sparks flew, although it took 2 months for us to start dating. I knew he was someone I wanted to have a relationship with. He seemed different than most of the guys my age (20 at time) and appealed to a side of me that no gy ever had. I usually can tell if I like a guy and if the rela will last in about 2 weeks. Well, after 2 months of spending almost every day together, I knew I could totally date this guy longterm. We started casual, where we'd hang out on a day to day basis, exclusive, but not completely serious, emotionally. After 3 weeks, we did have sex though, and this was my first time (that I count, I was raped a year before). And from then on, it was crazy. We both live with our parents, but during the summer, both leave. So I was sleeping at his house, we'd get 2 hours of sleep, and the rest was spent developing a great sex life. We got to know eachother emotionally the more we spent together. We both loved movies, and computers, we were both into outdoor activities and music (though our tastes varied). I knew I loved him after a month, and we exchanged I LOVE yous.

After a while though, problems were arising. Within the first months. He was a BIG drinker, which I didn't see when we were friends. Him and this one buddy would get drunk almost every night, or at least 4 times a week. And sometimes he'd forget to pick me up, or be really late for a date because he would rather drink with the boys. He was a total boys boy that way.. Well, this became too much for me, and so I told him that I couldn't handle kissing him or bein around him when he was drinking becuse of my rape and the associations with alcohol. So I told him it or me basically. And so he stopped drinking. and all his buds bugged him and looked at me as some kind of tyrant. Looking back now, he says that he's greatfull I stepped in, and if I had told him the truth, about him drinking too much, he'd have called me crazy. But he's thankfull I did stop him.

There were problems though. We had great times, and I couldn't get enough of him. But he was a BIG drinker, and this became a problem for me. He would forget to pick me up sometimes, perfering to drink with his buds, and then come pick me up (after drinking).

So I moved into his parents house after bout 5 months of dating. I have a hard time trusting people, and this was a way I could control what he did. The whole, you can't do anything behind my back in front of my face. We started fighting after a while, about little stupid things at the end, and big things a the beginning. We worked through our problems, and have had really great times.

The sex started to wain around the time I moved in. I was working 2 jobs, university full time, and then juggling family and him was hard. And he was unemployed for the majority of our relationship. We talked about marriage, kids, mving in together for real in AUg.The more we are together, the better he treats me, and he is the sweetest guy I have ever met.

Ok, so now to my issue. I love him, I know I do because I have never felt this way about anyone. And yet, I am so confused about whether or not I am IN love with him. I woke up about a month ago in a panic attack, and knew I needed to get out. I moved back home, and told him I was really overwhelmed about our relationship. Somedays I can't wait to see him. and everyday he is all I can think aobut. We tried taking a break, but couldn't last a day. I know I am not happy with myself right now. I know I am selfish and very insecure as a person, and I feel lost right now. He has tried to be understanding, but the more unsure I am, the more it hurts him. I have been honest about everything to him.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't get sick. I am not pregnant, but someimes being around him I get shaky (I'm shaky writing this) and nauseaus. That is not normal. During the week of my panic attack, I couldn't eat, and his touch made me nauseaous. I saw a pshycologist, and she said there could be a number of reasons why I feel this way.

It has been 3 weeks about now since, and I was fine until two days ago. I just keep thinking, is there something more, I am so young, how can I experience life being with just one person. I love him, and sometimes I am attracted to him, other times no. He is everything I have been looking for, personality wise, emotional wise, and physically. What is my prob. He has accused me in the past of wrecking my own happiness and I am a pessimist at heart. I remember the bad rather than good, and don't know if I'm pushing him away and making myself throw up because I'm scared of actually having a relationship. When I thought about losing him, it hurst so much. I am so torn.

Please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 1:17pm
gidgit...

Can you find the courage to "let go of this guy" and pursue your own dreams?

When you put all your concentration on a relationship...you prevent yourself from growing up, learning new things and discovering who YOU really are?

This doesn't mean you can't love somebody and make a few future plans...but it's obvious from his behavior that he's not ready to make a total commitment to you. Whether this changes...only time will tell. But for now...give yourself permission to let the guy go while you explore the infinite possibilities connected with your life?

By the way...you might want to consider getting some professional counselling concerning the "rape incident!" This will haunt you indefinitely until you can put it behind you.

Pianoguy