For Love or Money?
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| Wed, 02-04-2004 - 1:33pm |
As I am getting older and thinking about marrying my man of 9 years, I'm starting to think about how my future will look like - house, family, car. However, the images that's coming into my head are unrealistic. With the income that we both are making, we will struggle to be barely middle-class. My man is a teacher and I am an office administrator. Two positions that will never make good money. The dream of driving a BMW, live in a nice 4 bedroom house will never happen. To save enough for the average cost of wedding these days, we will both need to contribute $500 each for the next 2years in order to save enough money. That's a lot of money, which I don't have. I am struggling every month to meet my expenses. I just want to say that I'm not a big spender. I do not go on shopping sprees or buy from department stores. This has been bothering me so much lately that I actually thought of breaking up with him. Human nature, I want a guy who will take care of me. I like what I do, just not what I get paid. Unfortunately, many of my friends are all marrying well - doctors, pharmacists, IT guys, Engineers. I can't help but be jealous that they are either not working, or don't have to work if they don't want to. However, besides this money situation that's been bugging me so much lately, I do love him and am very happy with him.
I know that it's my problem, not his. He loves what he does and will not change it for the world, and I admire that. It's hard to find something that you love to do these days. However, there's a certain lifestyle that I want, and I don't think that he will be able to provide me with that lifestyle.
Please advise.

That said, it's a shame you consider a relationship a "venue to financial security" - why don't you get up and get a job/education that pays you in accordance with your desires so that YOU can provide this lifestyle for yourself....and if you find a partner you desire and accept for who he is, then you won't be "settling".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Personally, I've never wanted anyone to take care of me. Of course it would be nice to have the 4 br house and the expensive car, but I always figured if I was going to have that stuff, I was going to earn it myself. Any long term relationship would be a partnership.
My husband doesn't make a ton of money and neither do I. He makes a decent living, is financialy responsible and a person of integrity. He has good values. That's what is important to me. I can trust him, I can be totally open and honest, and he loves me for who I am. To me, that's worth more than all the money in the world. We struggle a bit financially, but we have turned a corner and are looking at buying a house in about a year. It will be a little house that needs some work, but it will be ours - together.
I think that I do work hard but luck hasn't been on my side. I do have a college degree (BA) but unfortunately I can't seem to get away from administrative office work. I guess I can always go be a pharmacist, engineer, doctor if I want to make that kind of money and live the kind of lifestyle that I want. I guess I can't help but be jealous of the friends I have. It just seems like they have it so easy and I wonder why do I have to struggle so hard through life? Why are they so lucky and not me? I know that it's not like they went out looking for a doctor or whatnot, but they just happen to be one. I'm just tired of not having luck.
Edited 2/4/2004 4:08:09 PM ET by itwinflame
Carrie
People that become professionally successful are that way because "success is a method" - it's not in a situation or circumstance or relationship.
The method of success requires you to set a realistic goal, be factually assessing at all times of all situations (regardless of your "feelings" at the moment) and act upon the factual assessment based on the situations at hand that will get you to your goal (no matter thatit means sacrifice, effort, or work).
People that "just meet" doctors and lawyers and pharmacists and engineers - generally you don't "just meet them randomly". Occasionally, you do. I've met one in an airport and we had a wonderful conversation it has blossomed into a great friendhship. We'd have never met except by chance, his plane being delayed in Atlanta, and me competing in Atlanta and trying get to my plane.
So, it can occasionally happen, but it's rare. Generally people that meet a significant number of white collor executives, or well educated and established professional people - they run in those circles - because THEY ARE AMONG THEM AS EQUALS. They're also doctors and lawyers, or whatever the case may be...or they runin social circles that are primarily about professional networking - so they are doctors who meet lawyers and engineers and scientists at the upper level art gallery opening.
It's not luck...what you've done for the last several years is "be a secretary" who's been content to date a "nobody" in the professional sense. You've enjoyed the fun, passion, companionship, and romance...while not realizing that if you wanted to move in upper social and financial circles - you'd have to join them thru your own efforts and means.
You're now looking up as if you've been on a rollercoaster and finding that your 'friends' that you were affiliated with and always in contact with - have "moved up" - they did it by NOT dating every guy that came along and pushed their buttons -but by pursuing education and professional advancement themselves. Or at least affiliating with those that are those things - via a lesser professional position that they hold.
Your attitude is that of watching someone win a gold medal with a flawless performance that your viewpoint was "effortless". How easy to do, surely you could do that, a few lessons and you'd be winning a gold yourself.
What you've failed to account for is the years of planning, work, sacrifice and effort these people have put into getting their educations, pusuing their positions, sacrificing the present instant gratification for long-term future success.....and now you want what they've got....but you've found that many of th eopportunities and options by which to begin your road of sacrifice, effort, work, and self-discipline -you "flew past" -dating whoever trned you on, doing whatever you wanted at the time.
That is how life works...Yu can't "go backwards" and get back those opportunities. You can strike out now.....and make the most of the opportunities and options that remain. Don't do that unrealistically however. Don't go out there thinking there's a myriad and plethora of opportunities and options by which to benefit via simply alliance. The older you are, the less educated you are, the less established you are, the less secure you are in every regard - the fewer the opportunities and options become to "latch onto someone and ride their coattails".
People that are now out there in your age bracket aren't wanting groupies and hanger-oners and wanna-be's. They've bypassed those people by choice. They're seeking someone that is like they are, where they are in every regard. They've created great lives, they're seeking partnership to share it with equally - not someone to "give a great life to". Those that want to "bring you up to their level" at this point are likely wanting to do it becuase they do NOT WANT equal partnership and by taking you on as a lesser entity they do not have to "give you equal time". They're willing to take you along if you make them look good in certain circles, but you'll be relegated to the downstairs kitchen when they do not think that "your presence" would benefit them.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I know it's easy to get jealous of friends who have more material posessions than you do. We all get the green monster sometimes. We want to have the *perfect life* too.
I have a good friend who is married to a really nice guy (cute too), they own a big house, have 2 new cars and took a couple really nice vacations last year. I want a new car and a nice vacation too! But the thing is, I have no idea what their finances look like. For all I know, they charged those vacations and have big credit card debts hanging over their heads. Their cars are pretty new, so it stands to reason that they have a couple car payments. They might be barely treading water. Or they might be doing good. I don't know. There are plenty of people who are on the brink of financial ruin because they have spread themselves too thin.
I know another woman who married a fairly wealthy guy. They have a home that could possibly qualify as an estate. They have nice cars, horses, take great vacations. Her husband also hits on every PYT in his office (I used to work at the same company as him and he hit on me and I KNOW his wife!!). I heard through the grapevine that he's had multiple flings. I don't know if his wife knows or not, but it stands to reason that she does if other people do.
The point is, what you see from the outside is only what you see from the outside. No one really knows what another person's life is like. Material possesions is just stuff when it comes right down to it.
I've been there. I had the brand new showcase home, expensive vehicles, great vacations, all of it. And I was MISERABLE. Don't get me wrong - I didn't marry him for the lifestyle, I married him b/c I *thought* I loved him and he loved me. Less than one year into the marriage, the whole relationship fell apart.
The affluent lifestyle, which we both contributed to, meant nothing to me when I was married to a person I no longer liked (not to mention, no longer loved).
I filed for divorce, we split up our assets and I now have a cute, older home. It's not a showcase home (not even close), but I am far happier than I ever was in the new house we built.
My point is that material possessions are only as important as you make them. If you want to focus on them, then fine - go for it. But they won't make your relationship better. If anything, they put more of a strain on it.