Love triangle

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Love triangle
4
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 5:08pm
Dear readers,

I need some help with this one because I don't know where to turn anymore.

My wife and I have been married for 4 years now. 2 children, a 15 y/o stepdaughter and a baby girl. My stepdaughter came to live with us 3,5 years ago. I never thought my stepdaughter and I would get along. The contrary happened. We get along so great it makes my wife wonder sometimes.

One year ago my stepdaughter started flirting with me. She'd come in sit on the bed wrapped in a towel. She'd leave her bedroom door open letting me know she was sleeping in her underwear. She'd come and lay besides me in bed. She'd grab something from the back of the couch pushing her breast very close to my face. To name a few of her many tricks.

I was pushed to my limits not to give in to these flirtations. It drove me to depression and this put a big strain on the relationship I have with my wife. I wished so hard my wife would be and act more like my stepdaughter. She is not though. She is a plain Jane and likes it that way.

At some point my stepdaughter and I got to talk about what was going on and agreed it would be incest if we would let it evolve to a real relationship. After this talk she withdrew a lot and all returned to a semi normal.

This peace lasted for about a month when she slowly started her flirtations again. Not at the same level as before but she's acting like a lovesick puppy around me. She's huggy, touchy, keeps staring at me and steals my T-shirts and towels from time to time. Also she's been taking more and more of her mothers responsibilities such as taking care of the baby and housekeeping.

The biggest problem yet however is I feel I have fallen in love with her and it is tearing me apart because I feel we can't answer each others love.

I've been thinking of leaving but I don't want to leave my baby to grow up without a father despite the shortcomings of my wife.

I've been thinking of telling my wife but I am too afraid it would destroy her. She has been abused in her past.

Any suggestions on how to handle this situation are very welcome.

Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: scott3r
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 8:43pm
Wow ! What a crazy situation. This must be very stressful for you. I think you really need to talk to your wife about this. Even though you are afraid to , chances are she knows anyhow. How could she not ?

My take on your new feelings for your stepdaughter is - you've been unhappy in your marriage and her flirting makes you feel good again. Being flirted with is flattering for anyone , especially when you've been feeling neglected. It's a perfect example of how "rebound relationships" happen. I suspect your confusing her making you feel good with love. The reason I say this ,is because you mentioned that you wish your wife would act more like that with you.

The only thing I can tell you is - Your wife isn't a mind reader. Many times , people don't realize their husband/wife is feeling neglected until they're told. Gently , of course. I suggest using "I feel" statments , rather than "Your doing this wrong" statments. Just so you don't make her feel defensive and attacked.

Lastly , I feel councelling ; be it individual , marriage or family would be helpful. If you love your wife and value your family , something has to be done. Councelling could atleast help with all the hurt feelings and confusion that are/will be going around. Unfortunatly , this is not one of those problems that will likely go away on it's own.

I hope this helps and good luck.

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
In reply to: scott3r
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 4:24am
Honesty and counceling are really good ideas. Children that age, (and she is still a child, remember?) that have been without a good father in younger years are desperate for attention from older male athority figures. If you were'nt there it would be a school teacher or local cop. What you MUST do is be a real father and tell her that you love her as your child and her behavior is making it difficult to keep on feeling that way. Let her know that is inappropriate and that you and her mother may need to discuss it. Let her know that her mother is your partner. Then get down to business to make the marriage what it should be. If you give in to your Michael Jackson fantasys it can actually ruin her life not to mention yours (jail) and your wife's. Get a grip.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
In reply to: scott3r
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 8:43am
Just to add on to what the others are saying, I really think you need to think about what you truly want? and i doubt very much of a 15 year old stepdaughter is it. I think you want the marriage you and your wife had in the beginning, when it was exciting and not so routine. COMMUNICATION. thats the key word in everything. tell your wife whats inside of your head. tell your stepdaughter to tone it down. think about whats important to you - a 'fling' with 15 year old jailbait or your wife and a happy mariage. every good relationship has to be worked at to make it good for both parties...so please God tell your wife that you would like her make you feel sexy, and amazing like i'm sure she did in ht beginning of your relationship...and make her feel the same. I'm sorry if i sounded a bit mean or if i offended you in any way, but i'd hate to see a perfectly good marriage go to waste beacuse you have feelings of lust for a 15 year old.

Kylilla.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: scott3r
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:48pm
OMG - You won't like what I have to say.

First, she is 15 she doesn't know what love is even if she thinks she does. She's coming into her power as a female and is seeing the effects she has on men, namely you. And she likes it.

You are NOT in love with a 15 yr old. You are 'in love' with the excitement, attention, affection, flirtation she sends your way because your wife is a Plain Jane and she likes it that way (thank God someone in the family has enough self-esteem to be comfortable in their own skin and with who they are). If you were the father figure you are suppose to be, you would have set boundaries long ago about appropriate behavior. This girl should have been sat down by both you and your wife the first time she came wrapped in a towel and/or left her door open to give you an eyeful. She's using her body to get attention, affection, approval, and to boost her self-esteem.

Then the next step would have been counseling AND marriage counseling so you could tell your wife what you need and find a compromise for your marriage. Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil. Heck go on the show, so he can blast you for your INAPPROPRIATE behavior towards your step-daughter because I can't do it justice here. As mokrie said, GET A GRIP!!!


Carrie