Love triangle
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| Sun, 10-10-2004 - 5:08pm |
I need some help with this one because I don't know where to turn anymore.
My wife and I have been married for 4 years now. 2 children, a 15 y/o stepdaughter and a baby girl. My stepdaughter came to live with us 3,5 years ago. I never thought my stepdaughter and I would get along. The contrary happened. We get along so great it makes my wife wonder sometimes.
One year ago my stepdaughter started flirting with me. She'd come in sit on the bed wrapped in a towel. She'd leave her bedroom door open letting me know she was sleeping in her underwear. She'd come and lay besides me in bed. She'd grab something from the back of the couch pushing her breast very close to my face. To name a few of her many tricks.
I was pushed to my limits not to give in to these flirtations. It drove me to depression and this put a big strain on the relationship I have with my wife. I wished so hard my wife would be and act more like my stepdaughter. She is not though. She is a plain Jane and likes it that way.
At some point my stepdaughter and I got to talk about what was going on and agreed it would be incest if we would let it evolve to a real relationship. After this talk she withdrew a lot and all returned to a semi normal.
This peace lasted for about a month when she slowly started her flirtations again. Not at the same level as before but she's acting like a lovesick puppy around me. She's huggy, touchy, keeps staring at me and steals my T-shirts and towels from time to time. Also she's been taking more and more of her mothers responsibilities such as taking care of the baby and housekeeping.
The biggest problem yet however is I feel I have fallen in love with her and it is tearing me apart because I feel we can't answer each others love.
I've been thinking of leaving but I don't want to leave my baby to grow up without a father despite the shortcomings of my wife.
I've been thinking of telling my wife but I am too afraid it would destroy her. She has been abused in her past.
Any suggestions on how to handle this situation are very welcome.

My take on your new feelings for your stepdaughter is - you've been unhappy in your marriage and her flirting makes you feel good again. Being flirted with is flattering for anyone , especially when you've been feeling neglected. It's a perfect example of how "rebound relationships" happen. I suspect your confusing her making you feel good with love. The reason I say this ,is because you mentioned that you wish your wife would act more like that with you.
The only thing I can tell you is - Your wife isn't a mind reader. Many times , people don't realize their husband/wife is feeling neglected until they're told. Gently , of course. I suggest using "I feel" statments , rather than "Your doing this wrong" statments. Just so you don't make her feel defensive and attacked.
Lastly , I feel councelling ; be it individual , marriage or family would be helpful. If you love your wife and value your family , something has to be done. Councelling could atleast help with all the hurt feelings and confusion that are/will be going around. Unfortunatly , this is not one of those problems that will likely go away on it's own.
I hope this helps and good luck.
Heather
Kylilla.
First, she is 15 she doesn't know what love is even if she thinks she does. She's coming into her power as a female and is seeing the effects she has on men, namely you. And she likes it.
You are NOT in love with a 15 yr old. You are 'in love' with the excitement, attention, affection, flirtation she sends your way because your wife is a Plain Jane and she likes it that way (thank God someone in the family has enough self-esteem to be comfortable in their own skin and with who they are). If you were the father figure you are suppose to be, you would have set boundaries long ago about appropriate behavior. This girl should have been sat down by both you and your wife the first time she came wrapped in a towel and/or left her door open to give you an eyeful. She's using her body to get attention, affection, approval, and to boost her self-esteem.
Then the next step would have been counseling AND marriage counseling so you could tell your wife what you need and find a compromise for your marriage. Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil. Heck go on the show, so he can blast you for your INAPPROPRIATE behavior towards your step-daughter because I can't do it justice here. As mokrie said, GET A GRIP!!!
Carrie