Love without sexual attraction?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
Love without sexual attraction?
7
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 9:24pm
I have what many may consider to be a stupid question. How can you love someone, want to spend the rest of your life with them as your spouse, and not be in the least bit sexually attracted to them? Is this possible? Does it make sense? How can you spend your life with someone that you know doesn't want to have sex with you? Is it worth it? Please help me, I don't know what to do anymore. Do I stick around and wait for him to want me again some day, or do I cut my losses and leave?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 3:01am
no! If they do not want sex with you you must not marry them. Sex is not all there is to marriage but it is important. Without it, your relationship is just a good friendship. Or a celebate marriage. Unless you want a celebate, nunlike marriage, then break up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 10:42am
I agree my 7 year marriage with my (at one time best friend) is a daily struggle, because we have a slow sex life. sex drives can be more of a problem than some may think. trust me, I've made mistakes because I feel not wanted. We are somehow trying to work things out, but things will never be the same between us. He tried I know, I tried, but we have defferent sexual needs and even if it works for a while, things always end up back to our emotional and Physical problems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 9:49am
The problem... we are already married. Have been almost five years, and he used to be attracted to me. We have 2 kids. I have several health problems, and have gained some weight, but I am working on losing it, and I am not nearly as overweight as he is. I tell him that part of being attracted to some one is that you love them so much, you want to be with them in every way, but he says he is not sexually attracted to me at all. I just don't know what to do. I am only 24, and have a very high sex drive, and it is causing major stress in our marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 10:46am

what about marital therapy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 1:03pm
Try writing down how you feel to him, this always works for a while for me, @ 26 I also have a high sex drive and my husband does not. Writing always helps more because you can say everything you feel without answering his questions, or trying to think and argue at the same time, but because of my problems I still feel that things will always come back to that fight. all you can do is try to fix it for as long as it last and do the same thing over and over, until your kids are older. If he is a good father, My husband is a great dad if he wasn't I wouldn't be here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 7:40pm
OK first and foremost, your question is not stupid. Yet there has to be more to this story. If he loves then there has to be some attraction towards you. If he is saying that you have changed and he is no longer attracted to you then he obviously married you thinking that people don't change and that we girls stay a size 6 after kids.. (Yeah Right)

You have to sit down and talk to him and if you both are suffering from weight problems then as a couple you should go to a gym and set goals for one another. In addition to getting healthy and losing weight you will also spend time with each other and you can both be each others support system.

Now also things change alot after kids, we sometimes tend to become more of a mother figure and less of a love goddes and we really truly just need to set a time aside for the "daddy". One night put your kids to bed and try on something sexy, like nice lingerie or try playing a sexy game of truth or dare.

Maybe it is not your body he is not attracted to, maybe you just need to throw in a few unexpected seductrice acts and while his jaw is on the floor, make your move. When men sense a routine in sex then it becomes boring, try getting a babysitter for the night and just have romantic candle lit dinner at a hotel, or rent a room just for the two of you.

Make everynight with him an adventure, be creative and make sure he tells you his fantasies and try to live them out for him. (as long as they are safe, and you feel comfortable) With that said, just enjoy your womanhood and sexuality, be confident in yourself and he will see the bounce in your step.

Tell yourself in the morning, I am a sexual Goddess and I deserve to be loved, to be looked at, to be wanted. Look at yourself as the sexiest woman within 100 miles of yourself, because when you have this attitude it is hard for ANY man NOT to notice.

Good luck and my prayers are with you and your family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 9:26pm
Thank you every one for all of your input. Things are still the same here. I wanted to let you all know that I have tried, and or suggested all of the things that you guys mentioned. It took months to get him to go to one session of therapy with me, and I have tried seducing him, and flirting, and down right demanding. I just have to keep working at it. Hopefully eventually things will get better. I am going to make him sit down with me and try and talk things out a little more and see if that helps. Thank you once again, everyone.