In love...and very frustrated. ADVICE?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
In love...and very frustrated. ADVICE?
11
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 12:03pm

I am 38 and my girlfriend is 33. She has 3 kids from a previous marriage (youngest is 9 with bad ADH and the oldest is 12.) and the father is a deadbeat dad who has never paid child support or anything to help her. She is a 24/7 parent with no breaks, has a good job as an inside sales rep with an electronics company and I am in HR. We have been together 7 months since Jan 2008 and things have been frustrating. Relationship started great! It was to the point where she wanted me to spend more time with her and spend the nights together. So I started and then after spending about 90% of free time together, she then felt smothered. We broke up twice and after 3-4 days of not talking, we would get back together and she would tell me how much she missed me. Things would be good for a couple weeks and then she would withdraw again and not show the affection or intimacy. Even to where I feel as though she doesn’t want to see me-and we only live three blocks from each other! About 3 months ago, she had an IUD put in due to medical opinion of her doctor because of womanly problems. We used to have a lot of fun together and there have been a couple times where we have split for 3-4 days as she felt she was being smothered. For the last month, we have not had any sex and I feel as though she is not interested in seeing me half the time. She gets defensive if I try to talk about it. She blames the no sex drive thing on the hormones the IUD is putting out and says it is screwing up her emotions, stress and says that she has had no interest or drive to be together like that. This makes me feel like she is not attracted to me at all, to which she says she is and I need to get that idea out of my head. She has no idea why she has no interest. Is she depressed badly? Stressed? Am I doing too much for her?



She also seems to be withdrawn a lot to the point where I feel ignored or unwanted-has her girlfriends come over but doesn’t invite me over. I know her life is very stressful as she works full time and then comes home to three kids full time. I get along with the kids great and they come to me for everything. I buy them things and also show them a lot of attention which they have never really had-I enjoy this!



She even wrote me an email last week and basically it said... "At times I need space and I know this bothers you. Then when you do give space it is like I don’t know at all what is going on in your life you pull so far away.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 12:48pm

Welcome to the board resumerebuilder,.


Is counseling an option or a good communications class?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 1:56pm

Maybe she should talk to her dr about the effects the IUD is having on her. It might not have been the best option for her.


Do you agree with her that you don't always communicate well with her other? When she asks for space don't pull as far away from her. I don't think she is doing it to hurt or upset you. Did you respond anything back to her email?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 2:15pm

i dont understand why you are frustrated.All you need is 'balance'.When she asks for space,dont go so far that reconnecting gets tough.during that period, keep it casual,light and easy going.When you understand her situation, it should be easier for you to do.
As for the dependent issue,is it possible that she might have become dependent on her husband and he betrayed her trust and she is hurt and now this time around doesnt want to be dependent on anyone? just a thought.

She is open to communication in such a friendly way,what else can you ask for? This can turn to a very loving relationship,all you need is patience and balance.Lack of intimacy could be because of her treatment.speak to her or the doc.Dont force.Ignore for a while and see .conquer the love first,rest will follow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 3:14pm
She has been divorced for 7 years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 3:17pm

I agree with fullhalfquarter in that to me it sounds like you really just need to find the happy medium between seeing her 90% of the time and no contact at all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 3:21pm
I think we need to do that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 5:24pm

Well, if you are truly interested in a relationship with her you might want to start with paying attention to the needs she has stated in her email:


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 5:57pm

Dude, you are one lucky man.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
Thu, 07-31-2008 - 10:04am
Thanks for your feedback.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Thu, 07-31-2008 - 11:24am

Why don't you just ask her in concrete terms: how many times a week do you think we should see each other?

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