loved your advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
loved your advice...
5
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 11:53am
Hey guys, must tell you that I loved everything that came up as a result of my questions about my current new boyfriend considering the resposibility of taking on my 13 year old son. However there are a couple of things I would like to point out. First of all I am a very financially stable single mom. I am a song writer and have had major successes and so $$$ is not a problem with me. Because of the nature of my bussiness I have lots of time and I am able to dedicate myself fully to my son and I am really enjoying that part of my life.

I wasn't looking for a life partner when I met this guy. I was just looking for an intelligent, responsible person who knows how to communicate and perhaps have a laugh with once in a while. I have lived with a man since my divorce and six months into that I decided it was not going to work and made a quick exit and made the decision not make that kind of commitment again until my son was independant of me. No one can love your kids the way you do and that is just a fact of life. I own a beautiful home and I also have a condo by the beach that my son and I go to on the weekends and that is where I do most of my writing.



However it just so happened that I got very involved with this guy on a spiritual and emotional level that just suprised the hell outta me! I am known to most of my friends as the original "ice queen" when it comes to men!

So I was really taken aback when he decided to make it clear to me that he did not have plans to move in together because he "suddenly" realized the immense resposibility of a 13 year old boy! I was not even thinking in those terms...I am very happy with the relationship the way it is. I like the fact that he wants a monongomous and committed relationship and I am happy staying in my own space.

It's just that I would have preferred he had said something more like....I really care for you and what ever the future holds we will handle it. I just don't understnad the rational, passionless, controlled mindset of a man who is supposed to be as he put it "feeling the fire!" So fearful of the way the future might unfold! He obviously is very much afraid for his own future and that his feelings might take him out of his comfort level! To me this is sheer wimpout, male garbage!

Anyway the fact is we talked last night and he admitted that he is getting in deeper than he had expected and wanted to let me know that he considers my son a a very important part of this equasion. He said he waould only acept this relationship if it were an exclusive, monogomous, and deeply committed relationship???? I'm getting mixed signals here??? By the way I let him know that I do not consider my son baggage and that I really fought to have him in my life that he is my lighthouse and I am in total gratitude to God and the universe for his little life and he is my number 1 priority. Perhaps all of that scared him!

I do believe he was coming from a place of sincerity and I know he cares for me. However there is sense of betrayal on my part when I think that I may have to keep my son separate from my love relationship. By the way this man HAS NOT EVEN MET MY SON YET!!! I kept him away on purpose until I knew where the relationship was going.

Now...This guy asked me to accompany him tommorow night to an 80th birthday party for his Mom, where his entire immediate family will be gathered! Soooo I am just somewhat confused about his intentions and I really don't even know what questions to ask! Maybe it is he who is not comfortable with the fact that sharing a relationship with me means he will have to live alone for a least the next three or so years and maybe I should give him an out right now before HE gets in too deep. As much as I like him and enjoy him in my life I would not want to hold him back from his ultimate dream because of my resposibilities and priorities. Perhaps it would be selfish of me to hang on to him inspite of all the implications.....I just don't know....Help! I would like to know even though I don't intend to change the physical perameters of this relationship I would like to go deeper emotionally and that he would accept all parts of me and mine ultimately and not make a big deal ot of the fact that I have a son whom I consider top priority. The whole thing scares me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:36pm
blubaby54...

Your post blew Pianoguy away! There was a little too much information! But since the 2 of us are "writers"---it's something that we have in common! The one thing you reinforced was the fact that MANY women expect us to respond the way YOU want us too!

Sorry...BUT WE WON'T!

In spite of all the advantages...2 homes, financial independence, and the fact that you accept full responsibility for your son...the prospect of an "instant family" can overwhelm ANY MAN! There's a sorting process that goes on in our heads. We know WE LOVE YOU, but are aware that your 'primary attention' for the next few years will be in the direction of your son! This can be a difficult adjustment for many of us.

While your 13-year old son IS primarily your responsibility...there's still the business of a "male role model" involved. And even though you THINK your b/f won't have an influence...HE WILL! A 13-year old teenage boy often looks to another 'male figure' when it comes to bonding, information about girls, and exchanging a naughty joke or two! This 'male influence' will definitely SHAPE your son's life.

And this responsibility might concern your b/f? It doesn't mean he won't eventually get used to the idea...but if we've NEVER had children of our own...how can you expect us to relate to yours?

As for the birthday party...aren't you flattered that he wants you to share HIS JOY for his Mom's 80th? Because he wants a completely monogomous relationship...YOU are the ONLY OTHER WOMAN in this man's life! And if you don't have a problem meeting other people, let his family get to know you as "a good friend!"

Nobody has asked you to 'de-prioritize' your son, abandon your writing...or even "get physical"...but the one thing you might want to LOSE is that "ice queen image?" Portions of your personality are definitely in need of a thaw!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:39pm
He's not going to do anything he doesn't want to do.

So the question is.....are you comfortable for the next five years, dating a man who has no interaction with your child, and living in a "dating type" liason level of intimacy and involvement?

Because if he doesn't 'decide to change his mind" - about living with a child, and interacting with a child, and meeting the needs appropriately of a child (provided that you two really share the same definitions of parental guidance, nurturing and discpline).....that is precisely the situation that you'd be living in.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:50pm
Thanks Pianoguy....It is really good to get a mans perspective and it is different from a woman's for sure! You made me understand or better yet remember ...that it isn't always about what one is getting from a relationship but about what one is giving. I will attend the birthday party and I will try to keep that in mind.....again thankyou!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:56pm
Yes ...I totally understand where you are coming from however I try not to think about five years down the road...to much can happen and too much can change. Although it is somewhat idealistic to "live in the moment" that is what I like to try and do if possible. I guess as long as I have a committment I can live with that. He or I could get hit by a bolt of lighening next month and imagine what we would have missed out on if we ended it today because five years down the road it might not work out....just playing devil's advocate....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 1:06pm
I'm all aobut living in the moment...while being mindful of your future......and I've been told a think rather "male" - so perhaps Pianoguy can chime in here for input as well.

When I thought like a female......it was "what does he want and need in order to be with me, because he is what I want and need." That's codependent, it's brief, it's entirely too non-descript - but here, it'll work for sake of clarity.

I had to stop thinking like that....in giving way all my money, options, opportuntiies, assets, time (most important commodity - you can't get it back or manufacture more of it) in getting men to want me - by being waht they wanted.

Not that you're doing that - but stick with it.

When I began a self-actualization process......I developed an attitude that said "I'll never be what I don't make of myself. I'll never have what I don't provide for myself. I'ts my obligation adn responsiblity to myself to affilite iwth people that share my values, stanards, goals, and priorities so that I'm not always "fighting an uphill battle' to be able to provide myself with what I want and need."

That was NOT, just to stress, a "whatever they want and need is irrelevant" stance.

In taking that position 8 years ago, following it thru and becoming a complete, happy, successful, secure, mature, responsible, self-aware and accepting person outside of situations, positions, roles, alliances, appearance and wealth....I could see where all my life problems had started.

Steven Covey advises a very astute point because success is a method - it's not found in a situation or particular location per se. Success as a method is setting realistic goals, assessing at all times the facts of the situations as they exist, and in light of your goals, personal values and abilities responding to the situations at hand, and options nd opportunties at hand so that you without usery or deception provide yourself with what you want/need.

Covey advises "start with the end in mind." Excellent suggestion. YOu can't reach a goal that you're unclear as to where it is or what it is.

So, you're proposing as i see it to live in the moment and see what develops. I'm all about it - provided that YOU (not him - you don't control him) are doing this with the awareness that "this moment" is all there is to get and to benefit from and enjoy. Because you two haven't decided by mutual definition and consensus that you both want the same thing, via the same method.

In light of that...you're not pursuing a goal - you're living in the moment, enjoying it fully for what it is, and hsould it NOT end as you would desire or should it end in a way that you not enjoy - you won't regret spending your time with him, as you did.

That's rather the point of life - "no regrets".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com