Loves Me or Feels Sorry for Me ?????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Loves Me or Feels Sorry for Me ?????????
8
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 10:28am
Ok, Here we go !!!!!

My wife and i have been separated for several month's now due to me finding out, that she is seeing another man behind my back. I also found out that i have Cancer and am under going combination chemotherapy now. Now granted , i have maybe not been the best husband in the world and i do have faults. I have a bad temper and have used bad language to my wife in the past, but have never physically abused her in any way, shape or form. We have had these problems for several years now. I am in therapy for my issues with a psychiatrist. I am also on medication for this ( PROZAC ). Now , back to the problem. My wife has been seeing a pilot on the side when he Blow's into town. She sayd they have not had sex or anything like that and claims it is just friends. They have gone to Dinner and she admitted that she has kissed him. They send e-mails to each other and exchange pictures, which she has framed and takes down when i come over. She accidentally left 2 out when i popped by 1 night. Latley, we have been seeing alot of each other and have been having sex on a regular basis. She has an appointment to see a counselor this next week and i hope she keeps it, she needs meds also. Now here is the 100,000,000 million dollar question??????????? Does anybody think that since i have Cancer she is showing Pity or feeling Sorry for me, or since i am in counseling and am doing alot better that maybe she loves me and wants to make the marriage work????????? I have been to other msg boards and have had some excellent responses, but i just can't keep from thinking that it is out of PITY. Can someone please prove me wrong, because i have asked her and she says it is not pity. She has lied a ton to me in the past and find it hard to believe her. I just don't know what to do. If she really does Love me then i don't want to do anything to contaminate what we have managed to put back together,but i am just so confused on what to do or waht to say to her. The pilot f*#ker is still in the picture as far as i know and what i would love to do to this guy if i ever see him. His dentist is probably the only one that could identify the body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 1:26pm

i am sorry that you have cancer and wish you a speedy recover. and I am glad that you are seeking help for your other issues - its not an easy thing to do!


My bottom line advice to you? stop being concerned about whether its pity or not. your relationship needed help - and your relationship is getting help. you will both come out of this experience stronger and healthier people. hopefully - once you get to couple's counseling, all the questions of love vs. pity will be resolved.


good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 1:53pm
jettbuff42...

Pianoguy was COMPLETELY in your corner until he read your last 2 sentences. That's where you blew it! And you completely TURNED ME OFF to your problem.

You have a diagnosed physical illness (cancer), but you are also harboring several unnoticeable mental illnesses (jealousy, anger, revenge). Given the fact that you have a wife who doesn't seem to mind "spending a little time" with the pilot, I can understand your frustration. However...YOU BOTH WERE SEPARATED for SEVERAL MONTHS, right? What makes you think that a few nights of passionate sex (between the 2 of you) is enough to cancel out "her friendship for the pilot?" It's obvious the man stepped in and made her feel a little better? Some women (and some men) can be very vulnerable after a breakup.

Just out of curiosity...did YOU spend any time with another woman PRIOR TO or DURING THE SEPARATION? If so....shut your mouth....because your complaining doesn't hold water. Your wife was only responding in the same way.

Bottom line (with no pun intended)...you might be having terrific sex right now, but it's obvious your wife doesn't want to make you EXCLUSIVE in her life! Whether she's sad or even concerned about your cancer isn't the point. She has chosen to share a portion of her life with someone else. The relationship might be platonic or something more serious? Either way...she's still sharing her thoughts and feelings with another man.

Stop worrying about her feelings...and accept the fact that she's agreeable to...err...

'nurture you' on occasion! If it's not enough...then get the hell out and don't look back!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 2:17pm
Well, thanks for the response, but my last 2 sentances were not intended to turn anyone on or off. that is how i feel. I have done nothing , but to try and make up for all the B.S. i have done in the past ans she still does something like this. Have you been married and has your wife done something like that to you. If not then don't critisize other people for expressing their feelings about someone else that is contaminating their marriage, when they are trying to make it work. No i have not been with another woman since we have been seperated and I never will. Some people do sstill have MORALS, which seems to be lacking in this country.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 3:51pm
Seems your wife doesn't have the same morals that you do, and that's a problem.

This is not about the pilot, it's about her. He's merely spending time with a woman who is probably telling him how horrible her marriage and her husband are. He's not tying her down and forcing her to spend time with him. SHE is probably the one stringing him along just like she's stringing you along. He's not doing much wrong, but she is. Your anger should lie with her, not with him. She is continuing to see another man while she is married (albeit separated) from you.

I understand your anger and frustration. I would recommend actually SEPARATING from her for awhile. Stop popping in, stop being available for sex whenever she's feeling particularly affectionate. I do understand that it's beyond difficult because you want to hold on to every bit of hope that things will work out.

Has she or have you considered getting counseling together? IMO, there is NO way you can work through this without the help of a counselor, not just for yourself, which I commend you for, but for your relationsip.

btw - my prayers are with you for your health issues.


Edited 9/12/2004 3:52 pm ET ET by blondie0506

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:22pm
Thank you for your response. I gave my wife an ultimatum on Mon Sept 13 and advs her that i do not want to talk, see or recieve and e-mails from her for 2 weeks. I feel like i can be angry with the pilot, because he knows that she is still a married woman and that you do not try to start a relationship with a married woman. They are both wrong in this situation, because i would not do something like this. I Well anyways I feel good about the ultimatum I made that, it is either me or him. I am sticking to my guns on this and i am not backing down from this. I gave her 2 weeks to do some soul serching and to do some thinking. She starts counseling on WED and i told her to talk to her counselor about all of this and see what she says. I am in counseling myself and have worked through some of my problems that has helped wreck the marriage. I still have a ways to go, but she admitted that I have made a ton of progress so far on my issues. So all i can do is sit and wait. I told her to let me know what she wants in 2 weeks. If i hear from her then i know that she wants me and if I don't hear from her then i know she wants the other guy. I will just wait and see, that is all i can do for now. Thanks for your response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 1:36pm
::I have done nothing , but to try and make up for all the B.S. i have done in the past ans she still does something like this

Too little, too late, maybe trying to make up for the past. People in general lose feelings and emotions over time when they aren't treated with respect, kindness, etc. Verbally abusing your wife in the past, name calling, outbursts of temper kill love slowly over time, people put up with it because they fear being alone, because they take their vows seriously, then there is a split and if that person meets someone that treats them nicely, lovingly, gives attention, listens to them, naturally they are going to graviate to that person. Some people think it's ok to 'date' while separated, others do not, it's part of setting ground rules when a split happens.

I think it's good that she's in counseling, good that you've told her how you feel. Sorry about your medical problems, hopefully things will be resolved shortly. Don't let anger fester in you, start writing UNSENT letters to vent that anger, write them to your wife and to the pilot.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 3:02pm

I COMPLETELY agree with itwinflame. Take my word; as a woman who is married to a "hyper-reactive" man... I do understand a little bit of where your wife is coming from. And granted we are only hearing your side, its hard to evaluate the situation knowing several factors are not being recognized.


My husband and I are in couseling now as well, bc his temper and outbursts as well as verbal threats etc began to tax my emotions soooo heavily that I began to lose that passion for him. We are so much inlove, dont get me wrong. He is wonderful. But I can relate to how a person begins to withdrawl their emotional investments from the significant other in which they trusted because that person has shown disrespect and abuse etc. That does not make you a horrible person in ANY sense of the way at all. I think you are an honorable man for coming here and for getting help and confronting those issues... and recognizing them and understand that you hurt her. But also try and understand that it eventually became out of her control when subconsciously she withdrew as a defense mechanism... its very human. And along came another man who showed her the very opposite of what you showed her AS you sought help. So now SHE is conflicted as you are improving and this other man is standing there saying "well i never had a problem to begin with bla bla bla".


But you know what? She loves YOU. Her heart is with you... her soul is with you... the only thing drawing her to this man is PRIDE. men are not the only species that battle pride you know. after all those years fighting her own emotions and loving you unconditionally she finally went to war with the idea that "hey- i dont have to take this... i deserve better" and this man offered that to her. So now the war is between her heart and her pride. Not morals and pity... you know?


you both are going in the right direction by getting help and seeking counseling etc. i honestly believe from reading all of your threads that this marraige can be saved as long as you both are honest with eachother. i think the lies she has told you in the past could have alittle to do with pitty and trying to save face and keep from hurting your feelings. but i dont think she'd make love to you out of pitty.


you did the right thing by telling her how you feel. but right now... in order to save this marraige she needs to cut of AAAAALL contact with this bird. if she chooses not to, then the previous poster could be right... the damage was already done before you decided to get help.


but IF that IS the case... dont blame yourself. takes two to break up a marraige. focus on your health right now... added stress with chemo spells disaster.


just re-read what i wrote 4 paragraphs ago before you close this, ok?


good luck... and ps. do your chemo doctors know you're taking prozac?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 2:05am
THANK YOU for the nice response. !!!!!!!!!!!