Loving again with a broken heart and trust issues
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| Tue, 02-19-2013 - 6:43am |
Hi
I hope someone can help me with advice, tips or just a bit of understanding.
I have had my heart broken very very badly by both my ex husband (of 18 years!) and my ex boyfriend (he was more of a dissapointment, but it still hurt me very badly!)
I now find it VERY difficult to love my new partner properly, I try and I want to, and I know how...but I get scared and pull away and start building that wall again I so carefully put up over the past 2 years, he managed to break it down and he did this a few times, however I just get really anxious and panicky that I will get hurt again. It's a shame as we could probably be much much happier and it is causing me a lot of anxiety and stress, including sleepless nights etc...
I am not worried about him cheating, I know he will never do this to me, and vice versa. I can't really put my finger on what exactly I am concerned about here, and was hoping to find out through chatting on here and talking it through, perhaps there is somebody out there who is or was in the same situation and felt the same way. What did you do about it?
I have had counselling for my issues with men, its all due to my relationship with my father and other men in my life (my uncle , my grandad and even the boys at school!).
I do like men and I am not a man hater at all!! This is why I am always happy to have a relationship with a man, because I am not anti men at all!
I treat them right and I am loving and caring , however as I said, I get panicky and anxious after a while and start reading into things too much. Get fearful and very emotional , start worrying etc... It's a horrible way to be and I hate it!
Hope someone can help! This is a very sensitive issue which is affecting my life and happiness in a VERY big way! (so please no mickey taking!)
Thanks your help is much appreciated
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You just may not be ready to be in a relationship if you're building walls and finding fault when reading into things too much.
It sounds as if you're on a mission to be right/justified about being distrustful. Unresolved insecurity is usually the basis for this. There comes a time when you have to make a stand and not allow yourself to be swallowed whole by the fear of being hurt again. The only way to guarantee you won't get hurt is to never seek the company of another human being--just get some cats and call it a day. The worst that will happen is that they disappoint you, the relationship ends, you cry and are alone for a time. When you stop investing the whole of your identity into a relationship and instead, maintain your self as something that is the dearest thing to you, you will be able to enter into future relationships whole. You will need no one to complete you because you're complete in yourself--you just want someone to accompany you.
What is the worst that can happen if you got out of your own way and just let the relationship be?
You may need to do some far deeper work on your unconscious motivations which are bringing you this level of distrust. What exactly do you mean when you say "love my new partner properly"? What are you "fearful, very emotional, overly worried" about, exactly?
It's a shame that you let your ex do such a number on your head. I've been there too and what I've learned thru counseling is that people who feel inadequate and insecure about themselves will often go out of their way to make their partner/spouse feel even more inadequate in order to feel better about themselves, and it sounds like your ex did just that. But you know it's really not fair to carry what your ex did to you into your new relationship. When you do this your still giving him power over you and your emotions. I don't have the answer as to how your going to get over this, but you might consider some counseling. It could really help to talk to someone about this. Good Luck
How much time has elapsed between the end of your marriage to the next relationship (you mentioned an ex boyfriend); and the end of that relatonship to the present one you're in? Being loving and wanting company are not mutually exclusive to being in a romantic relationship.
It sounds to me as if something about intimacy triggers panic in you and perhaps due to whatever it was that happened in your youth with your male family members, it causes you to overreact as a mechanism of protection when all the man is doing is trying to be close to you, as relationships pretty much entail that.
What it sounds like you need to do is to tap into and bring that calm, focused energy from being single into the realm of emotional intimacy in your relationships without breaking out in a panic.
Is your therapist working on helping you to resolve your past and integrating it with your present?
Has your current boyfriend complained? Is he saying that your ability to sexually satisfy him falls short? If not, then start to regard that as exactly what it is: the rantings of an unhinged mind, which you wisely divorced, that had absolutely nothing to do with you. If you married at 20, remained faithful for 20 years, then the experience you gained during those years is directly related to the experiences you shared with him. I don't expect many 20 yr olds who marry to know, 20 years later, exactly the same things a woman in her 40's who married later but dated around more, slept with more guys in or out of a series of monogamous relationships. That is an unfair judgment on his part to make... what is the alternative? A wife who sleeps around, but learns more about how to please men? Well, that brings a whole other set of issues with it that he was just as ill equipped to handle. The source of that dysfunction was him and him alone, not you.
and btw--from the way he sounds, being by yourself is doing way better than him
I like and agree with all the info you've already received and am not sure I really have much to add. That fear of being hurt I believe is a very common one. I think when one or more others have done such a huge number on your head and heart, you get to believing you really can't survive any more hurt or pain. But the truth is something my best friend told me years ago. People disappoint us all our lives, sometimes with no intention to do that, others deliberately do it to get something they want. Any advice any of us gives has to be tempered by the fact that although we may share similar situations, we're still unique individuals, too, so nothing pertains to all of us except that we pay taxes and die, like that old saying. I'm with you, my DH had to EAs, hopefully didn't sleep with them, but in our case he tormented me for many years over one particular issue he had no power to change, and like you, it did a real number on me. So much so I still struggle with trust and the fear of being hurt all over again. My DH really IS a "guilty party" who has done a total turnaround, whereas it sounds like your current guy isn't playing any games. For me I feel like it's that free-floating anxiety at work, I also can't QUITE pinpoint what scares me, I just have a fear I cannot handle more hurt. We're not alone, no matter what we're dealing with - somebody else out there or on this or other boards and struggling with the same issues. I think if you stay in counseling (like I'm doing) you're going to start having "aha moments" that will help you put all this fear behind you. I don't know how they do that, but I guess all that education goes beyond common sense into medical fact. I've been amazed at the things that actually pop out of my mouth during counseling sessions, and equally amazed at the words I HEAR there. I'm not so sure your boyfriend really has knocked down your wall - I say that because knocking it down isn't his job, it's yours. My DH was like that forever, but nowdays his wall definitely is down - and now mine is up!!! We knock it down brick by brick, not overnight. Just hang in there if you know you've got a good guy and that the real issue belongs to you. You cannot change who you are, but you can always change behavior.