Loving again with a broken heart and trust issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2013
Loving again with a broken heart and trust issues
11
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 6:43am

Hi

I hope someone can help me with advice, tips or just a bit of understanding.

I have had my heart broken very very badly by both my ex husband (of 18 years!) and my ex boyfriend (he was more of a dissapointment, but it still hurt me very badly!)

I now find it VERY difficult to love my new partner properly, I try and I want to, and I know how...but I get scared and pull away and start building that wall again I so carefully put up over the past 2 years, he managed to break it down and he did this a few times, however I just get really anxious and panicky that I will get hurt again. It's a shame as we could probably be much much happier and it is causing me a lot of anxiety and stress, including sleepless nights etc... 

I am not worried about him cheating, I know he will never do this to me, and vice versa. I can't really put my finger on what exactly I am concerned about here, and was hoping to find out through chatting on here and talking it through, perhaps there is somebody out there who is or was in the same situation and felt the same way. What did you do about it? 

I have had counselling for my issues with men, its all due to my relationship with my father and other men in my life (my uncle , my grandad and even the boys at school!). 

I do like men and I am not a man hater at all!! This is why I am always happy to have a relationship with a man, because I am not anti men at all! 

I treat them right and I am loving and caring , however as I said, I get panicky and anxious after a while and start reading into things too much. Get fearful and very emotional , start worrying etc... It's a horrible way to be and I hate it! 

Hope someone can help! This is a very sensitive issue which is affecting my life and happiness in a VERY big way! (so please no mickey taking!)

Thanks your help is much appreciated

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2014
Sun, 11-09-2014 - 12:12am
I live in the USA with my family, i have been married for fifteen years and just four years ago my husband started having an affair with a lady he met hear in Chicago and this led our divorce on the 1st of March 2013. Ever since he broke up with me because of this woman i have not been my self for each time i remember how we both started and lived together before he left me, each time i cried because no man has ever made me happy the way he did and as time goes on i realized i could no longer hold my self, i needed my man back and fast at all cost, i don't want to loose him to the other woman and i just had to try other perfect means and soon i was able to get some information on a site with the help of a lady who shared a glorious testimony about the good work of A man named Priest Ajigar and according to her she said Priest Ajigar brought her husband back after two years he left her and there was so much persons on the site who also said good things About Priest Ajigar Spell, right now i was so happy i have found the Great Priest Ajigar i knew he was my hope of getting my husband back, so i was able to contact him through Ajigar's email(priestajigarspells@live.com) drooped by the lady and i Priest Ajigar he told me to give him five days and exactly five days after my husband called me on the cell phone and said he would like to see me and our Son, i was surprised because before then he never cared or even Pick my calls i was happy now because i knew it has started working and just there after some days he left the other lady and we are together once again as one family. So i advice if you are looking for a possible way to get your husband back, get your love back or ex boyfriend back just contact Priest Ajigar (priestajigarspells@live.com) he is good at this and he is the solution to your problems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2013
Thu, 01-30-2014 - 12:51pm

Hey girl, I think is may have some good advice for you. Well when you and your first husband split was it a bitter divorce? Something unexpected? Or was it an understanding and agreement.  When you met your ex-boyfriend was it a few years later or was he the "rebound" shortly after that just kind of stuck around and decided to give it a try because it was better to have him there around then to be alone?? It sounds like you may still have got over your divorce. 18 years is a long time especially if yall got together when you were young. He was your first love and really only love so it’s hard to feel what you had with him with anybody else. When you were with your ex-boyfriend you could tell that you really didn’t care but it just sucked and broke your heart b/c those feeling that you felt when you and your husband were together came back. Instead of doing what you want and be single you met your current boyfriend. Sounds like you like him and have no worries about him messing around he seems like he’s a good guy. But YOU are not comparing weather he is going to hurt you like your ex's your worried if you will love him like you did with your first husband meaning the same feeling you got.  Here’s the catch you won’t love anyone ever like you do your first love, even if they were a jerk and messed up things, you have to find a new way to love your current different, like doing different things together, being spontaneous, romantic, funny. You’re nervous because you don’t want to get hurt. is understand but while you’re sitting there thinking way into everything like things like whether or not he thinks your enough because you have been hurt and just want to know why you couldn’t be enough for them so what makes you think your good enough for your current boyfriend... am is sort of right?? Instead of thinking crazy thoughts he is with you...he wants to be with you.... he is in your bed every night when you go to sleep and every morn when you wake up... so just stop and give yourself credit. You are worth loving, and you are enough, and deserve to be happy and if this guy is the one that makes you smile when your sad or just kisses you after a long day when he comes in from work at least he is doing that and if he doesn’t make you feel happy or excited or smitten then maybe he isn’t the right one. Your know that feeling of being in love... when your stomach gets butterfly’s when they come around and when u kiss you really do get weak in the knees and love like that you can’t force and make it all happen overnight.. you can’t tell him what you want him to do for you....is mean you can but it kind of ruins it for them( that what my man says anyway bc he isn’t affectionate at all but that’s another story) Just let him love you for you and give the guy a break and don’t compare him to the other two boneheads because if anything he is the lucky one to have a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and is willing to give her heart to someone after it being stepped on and torn. But if you let yourself forget the two ex's and tell yourself you are worth it and give your current man a chance to love you and give yourself a chance to love him and understands the situation (which don’t need to be brought up ever to him...past is the past....don’t complain about what they did wrong to you to him. ...he don’t want to hear it.) now you have a real chance to love again and do it y'alls way and learn each other... I may completely wrong about your relationships and feelings but is having been in a very similar situation and am still working through it. Give and take and a relationship is not a one way street so be sure that you make him feel special which is am sure you are. Always try to keep that friendship or if you don’t then learn how to treat each other like you would your best guy friend. Don’t bring in the past in with your new one!!! I don’t know if anything is said helped I’m not even going to re-read this. Lol. I really hope things work out for you and you find happiness no matter where your life takes you. God Bless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2012
Sat, 11-02-2013 - 7:42pm

I feel you girl and the truth is, I don’t think there is a way to "get over" a broken heart, but you already know that. TIME? Distraction? ect..ect.ect......My favorite "the best way to "get over" someone is to get "under" someone else! HA! No I am joking and as funny as that line sounds to me, what your feeling and fighting w/ inside you is absolutely not a joke or funny in any way. The only thing I wanted to comment to you about is the fact that YOU are the one that is too good for a man like your ex. Simply because he tried to make you feel like the failure just says that he didn’t feel he was good enough for you. I say this because w/ men ego is EVERYTHING! I could go on and on but basically what I want you to remember is that you are the one who did your best and that was something that he could not do only because of insecurities in himself first not the relationship. We know all this and can hear all the words in the world said w/ good intention and all, are never going to answer the "WHY" or "HOW" questions and pleas for advice. Just think of what happened to you as the crap road that lead you to where you are today and of course, who you are w/ today. Thank your ex for letting you go because he knew he didn’t deserve you or your love! Do you have kids? That is the other thing you can thank him for, giving you the best gift he could give that nobody can ever take away.(what ever good he had in him, you got it). The last thing I would love for you to remember is that while your feeling lucky or blessed to have the man you have now, girl I promise you this, he knows that HE is the luckiest to have you~ don’t ever forget that! What ever tools you use to get you through whats messing w/ you inside, advice or/and counseling. hopefully works for you soon. But your mind seems very strong, sound, and capable and most of all your heart loving, sweet, (and more than you think) OPEN~so enjoy it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2013
Hi Myra, thanks your words really helped me and yes I know I have a good thing with my current man and I am going to hang on to him for dear life ;-)... he's totally worth the effort to get over my problems and I am having counselling at the moment anyway. Thanks your words were great!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

I like and agree with all the info you've already received and am not sure I really have much to add.  That fear of being hurt I believe is a very common one.  I think when one or more others have done such a huge number on your head and heart, you get to believing you really can't survive any more hurt or pain.  But the truth is something my best friend told me years ago.  People disappoint us all our lives, sometimes with no intention to do that, others deliberately do it to get something they want.  Any advice any of us gives has to be tempered by the fact that although we may share similar situations, we're still unique individuals, too, so nothing pertains to all of us except that we pay taxes and die, like that old saying.  I'm with you, my DH had to EAs, hopefully didn't sleep with them, but in our case he tormented me for many years over one particular issue he had no power to change, and like you, it did a real number on me.  So much so I still struggle with trust and the fear of being hurt all over again.  My DH really IS a "guilty party" who has done a total turnaround, whereas it sounds like your current guy isn't playing any games.  For me I feel like it's that free-floating anxiety at work, I also can't QUITE pinpoint what scares me, I just have a fear I cannot handle more hurt.  We're not alone, no matter what we're dealing with - somebody else out there or on this or other boards and struggling with the same issues.  I think if you stay in counseling (like I'm doing) you're going to start having "aha moments" that will help you put all this fear behind you.  I don't know how they do that, but I guess all that education goes beyond common sense into medical fact.  I've been amazed at the things that actually pop out of my mouth during counseling sessions, and equally amazed at the words I HEAR there.  I'm not so sure your boyfriend really has knocked down your wall - I say that because knocking it down isn't his job, it's yours.  My DH was like that forever, but nowdays his wall definitely is down - and now mine is up!!!  We knock it down brick by brick, not overnight.  Just hang in there if you know you've got a good guy and that the real issue belongs to you.  You cannot change who you are, but you can always change behavior. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2013
Hi Peace What you say is totally right, he still has some kind of power over me. I did have a chat with my current boyfriend and he said the same, however his reassurance has made all the difference and all the worries and fears have gone now. I have had counselling for this and it is a point that was raised and needs to be worked on. I know nobody can help me on how to deal with it , I know I need to do this by myself, but I really have no idea how at this moment in time. I just keep going with my life, but I am probably just existing and surviving each day , rather than living it and enjoying it. It's like trying to walk on a broken leg, it's not going to be as easy as if it isn't broken and it's gonna hurt! What heals a broken heart?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2013
Hi thanks very much for your comments, they did really help. It is what you said in your first answer which got me thinking: Why don't I just let the relationship be, what is the worst that could happen? So this is what I kind of did today, and tried it. I must say that it worked quite well for me. It is a good approach and one that I will just stick to for now. And yes...something must panic me and I need to work on that with my counsellor. The idea of combining the calm of when i was single with being in a relationship is a very good idea and I am getting there. The relationship is fairly new still, so things may need to settle down a bit, and getting into some kind of rhythm. The feelings i have for this man are very strong and I guess the fear of loss is very great at this stage.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

Chrysalis2013 wrote:
Hi many thanks for your helpful advice, what you say makes a LOT of sense. I have worked very hard over the last 2 years since my divorce to build my own life and I am very very proud of myself, so is my family! I have my own friends, hobbies, job, studies so it's not as if I am giving myself up completely for anyone, because I know that is not a good thing to do! I can't explain and put into words how I feel and what my thoughts are with regards to what I am fearful of and emotional. I just feel incredibly anxious and very sad at times and I can't put my finger on why, it's all a big muddle in my head, very confusing. It is better when I am not in a relationship, I have noticed this when I was single, i tend to be more focussed and confident, however I do want to be in a relationship, because I am a very loving person and want company. It's scary at the same time as being nice though! With regards to 'not being able to love my new partner properly' I mean that I feel inadequate, not a good enough partner , I suppose. I know where it comes from, it comes from not having been appreciated by my ex husband, despite trying my very best in the marriage, he said it still wasn't good enough and he left for another woman, whom he told me was much better than me and he had always thought he could do better than me anyway. That hit me very hard, because I know whilst I am not perfect in any way, I did my very best and I was still very young (20 years old) when I married him. I think I did remarkably well, considering.

How much time has elapsed between the end of your marriage to the next relationship (you mentioned an ex boyfriend); and the end of that relatonship to the present one you're in?  Being loving and wanting company are not mutually exclusive to being in a romantic relationship.

It sounds to me as if something about intimacy triggers panic in you and perhaps due to whatever it was that happened in your youth with your male family members, it causes you to overreact as a mechanism of protection when all the man is doing is trying to be close to you, as relationships pretty much entail that.

What it sounds like you need to do is to tap into and bring that calm, focused energy from being single into the realm of emotional intimacy in your relationships without breaking out in a panic. 

Is your therapist working on helping you to resolve your past and integrating it with your present?

Has your current boyfriend complained?  Is he saying that your ability to sexually satisfy him falls short?  If not, then start to regard that as exactly what it is: the rantings of an unhinged mind, which you wisely divorced, that had absolutely nothing to do with you.  If you married at 20, remained faithful for 20 years, then the experience you gained during those years is directly related to the experiences you shared with him.  I don't expect many 20 yr olds who marry to know, 20 years later, exactly the same things a woman in her 40's who married later but dated around more, slept with more guys in or out of a series of monogamous relationships.  That is an unfair judgment on his part to make... what is the alternative? A wife who sleeps around, but learns more about how to please men? Well, that brings a whole other set of issues with it that he was just as ill equipped to handle. The source of that dysfunction was him and him alone, not you.

and btw--from the way he sounds, being by yourself is doing way better than him

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 12:18pm

It's a shame that you let your ex do such a number on your head. I've been there too and what I've learned thru counseling is that people who feel inadequate and insecure about themselves will often go out of their way to make their partner/spouse feel even more inadequate in order to feel better about themselves, and it sounds like your ex did just that. But you know it's really not fair to carry what your ex did to you into your new relationship. When you do this your still giving him power over you and your emotions. I don't have the answer as to how your going to get over this, but you might consider some counseling. It could really help to talk to someone about this. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2013
Hi many thanks for your helpful advice, what you say makes a LOT of sense. I have worked very hard over the last 2 years since my divorce to build my own life and I am very very proud of myself, so is my family! I have my own friends, hobbies, job, studies so it's not as if I am giving myself up completely for anyone, because I know that is not a good thing to do! I can't explain and put into words how I feel and what my thoughts are with regards to what I am fearful of and emotional. I just feel incredibly anxious and very sad at times and I can't put my finger on why, it's all a big muddle in my head, very confusing. It is better when I am not in a relationship, I have noticed this when I was single, i tend to be more focussed and confident, however I do want to be in a relationship, because I am a very loving person and want company. It's scary at the same time as being nice though! With regards to 'not being able to love my new partner properly' I mean that I feel inadequate, not a good enough partner , I suppose. I know where it comes from, it comes from not having been appreciated by my ex husband, despite trying my very best in the marriage, he said it still wasn't good enough and he left for another woman, whom he told me was much better than me and he had always thought he could do better than me anyway. That hit me very hard, because I know whilst I am not perfect in any way, I did my very best and I was still very young (20 years old) when I married him. I think I did remarkably well, considering.

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