loving to everyone else

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
loving to everyone else
4
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 10:34am
I've been married to a good man for nearly 25 years. He's a hardworking man that's kind, thoughtful and compassionate towards everyone. He's the type of man who will devote a week of vacation time to kids with cancer, drive hours to attend a removed co-worker's inlaw's funeral, works at a soup kitchen, will never miss a party, etc., etc.. I've seen him put together thoughtful poems and arrange photo albums for other people. He's charming, warm, and people seem drawn to him. He can't seem to walk by a stranger without engaging them. His public presence is one to be admired. Most people would ask, what could be wrong.

When it comes to our children, and particulary me, his interest & efforts fall flat! My feelings are often disregarded, and opportunites to show he truly loves me are met by forgotten birthdays, delayed arrivals, and "I should have" comments. I often find myself contstantly waiting for him, or not knowing where he is, while he's overly available and attentive to others. Our social time together is often met by his becoming so involved in a conversation with someone that he forgets to include me, even if I am the third person in the room. There have been times where he has forgotten to introduce me, while he engages in these long conversations with others.

Family crisis are typically put aside for more important distractions. Let me clarify by saying, I know he cares deeply for his children. However, any source of tension or conflict seems to send him running for the hills. I'm often on my own to deal with those difficult matters. Asking for support from him seems to send him seeking other causes or looking for people in need, or in search of social opportunites with others.

He clearly has the capacity to show love & empathy towards his first family (mother & siblings), and others, but seems to hold back when it comes to this family. I've gotten the message that everyone else on the planet is far more important that me or this family. I feel overburdened with dealing with the emotional stressors of raising a children while my husband works many hours. It is especially troubling to me that while I've made my feelings knowns, my husband is reaching out to others, in his free time. My self esteem has been on a steady decline.

How can so many people have such wonderful feelings for my husband, but I feel abandoned, ignored and unvalued?






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 6:23pm
happyman2000...

Do you think your husband realizes that HE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE to the "outsiders" who admire him? So he can deal with all of these individuals on his own terms and at his own pace!

On the other hand...there are apparently obligations and responsibilities (to you and the children)that he ISN'T FULFILLING? Unless...of course...YOU are NAGGING HIM ABOUT THESE FLAWS IN HIS PERSONALITY?

It's amazing how many men will turn away from the people he supposedly loves the most--when he's constantly reminded about his flaws...and confronted by "the same old song and dance!" Pianoguy ISN'T defending your husband's actions...YOU and THE CHILDREN deserve a portion of his attention.

BUT...are you sure his 'lack of attention for his immediate family' ISN'T a reflex action for something YOU might be doing?

Pianoguy

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 6:35pm

Some individuals love to be publicly applauded and approved of and they make a great show of what a wonderful person they are. They do this for the feedback. It builds their ego and identity. These same individuals can have a great deal of difficulty showing kindness, consideration and support in private, intimate situations. This is how you have described your husband. In addition, it sounds as though his behavior towards you is disrespectful in many ways. This is where his anger and other feelings come uot.


You have to learn how to set boundaries with him, let him know what behavior is and is not acceptable to you. Living this way for a long time can be very hard on your self esteem. It wouldn't hurt for you to work on your sense of yourself, find ways to build it, to engage in your own actions that are meaningful and build a life of your own. Perhaps some counselling might be helpful as well at this juncture. No one can disregard and disrespect you if you do not allow it. Your first job is to decide who you truly are and how you want to be treated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:24pm

how do you know that <> (aside, of course, from his mom)? do you know this for a fact? i also thought that people had nothing but good vibes toward my ex (when we were still married ) but turned out that "everyone" saw right thru his *good deeds* and friendliness...


I was married to someone like this - he did stuff for others - but his reasons for doing good deeds was simply to feel better about himself, to feel "wanted" by someone. and he too ignored me and my son. so - i don't consider these men to be "good" men or "good" fathers. being a parent also involves dealing with the nitty gritty details


all i can suggest is marital therapy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 3:11pm
Thank you. It's very helpful to me to have different perspectives. It's especially helpful to have feedback from a seasoned professional.