loving so much but not know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
loving so much but not know what to do
1
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 9:40pm
I don't know where to start, I am 40´s now, and my ex-boyfriend is 53, we meet each other 3 years ago, and we had a very wonderful relationship, he is from USA, and I am from other country, we became engaged at 4th month, and really I love him, I am professional, successful, and independent, he have company he is divorced, and has 2 children.

The first 8 month were wonderful all, then his ex, start to blackmail him with kids, and he start to don't have time, to come to visit me but we still talking almost 2 or 3 times a day, so after 1.5 years, I talk to him and said him we have to solve our situation, because I can not travel to USA, because visa, and he can not travel to my country because kids. I know he spent a lot of money in the divorce, and that almost he has to take care of his children, so I was so patient.

So I said him if you don't come to clarify things at least in 2 month this not will work more, finally he don't came, so I decide to don't think more about that, but we were talking often, in November and December of last year, I had a lot of problems, so it was good to me, so I forget him, and don't have time to think about love, finally in December, I took a rest, and the only I was thinking was him, so I call him, and say him, Yes I love you, and it don't matter how much time it will take, I will still loving you, I ask him to re-start our relationship, and he said no he don't want to re-start, to continue because what we had was the most wonderful he had in life, and build the best. So I agree with him. Finally he told me he was coming in February 7th, and I say ok, I will wait for that time.

While that, he hire a Nanny, to take care of his children during the time he is working, and he explain me that in that way he will have more time to work, to make more money and can come here, so I understand that at all. The Nanny is 28, just was divorced of his husband, because she was physically assaulted by him, he is the daughter of a job partner of him, his father is divorce. So I understand that she want to change all her life. She is a teacher, and lives in another city 4 hours away from my ex-boyfriend home.

So finally in February 4 I ask him, what time he will arrive, and he told me his ex, change the schedule so he will see to come in February 14th, obviously at first we discuss a lot, but I can not do nothing.

In February 14th he calls me, and told me he love me more then anything in world but he have to be there effort his children, I cry, and ask him, why the did that?, and he told me that he don't want to feel the pain he felt always when he return to his home with out me, that he felt like the same when his dad death, really in that point I again understand but was not happy, so he ask me again to try to do something to go there, that if I can go there things were easier, so I start to find out a Job in a nearby country of USA, like Mexico, Dominican Republic, or Salvador, ( I work for a multinational company), really I don't think about this a year ago, because I don't think it was so difficult to have the visa, so was waiting to fix things about visa here.

Finally the President of the company here in my country find out a Job in Mexico, and told me it will take almost 2 month to be there, so in march 13th I told him about that, and that in that way it was more easier to have the visa, or he to visit me with children. We talk that day, and he told me that I have to help him with all that, he wants to have a life again, he was so lonely, that if he don't have children it were different, but he don't know what to do, that he love like he never did in life, but he don't know what to do and almost cry, I told him that I was going to do anything I have to do.

Finally in March 16th, I was going to an appointment and some one attack me in my car, and stole my gold necklace, with a knife, that was horrible, so immediately I arrive office I called him, crying, he calls me again and ask about how I feel, I said terrible we talk some, and he told me he will calls tonight at 9pm, when he calls me, ask me again if I felt fine, I say yes, and he in so hard voice told me, that I have to stop any thing I was doing to go there, that it was not a good moment to have around, because 15 days ago he start a relationship with the Nanny, I was shocked, and ask why?, he told me she kiss him, and that he likes that, and that he have been so much time alone, so he have to give him a chance to be happy and to fix his life in a good path, I only hung up, and cry all night and days.

I try to be detailed in my story, because I really need an advice, I love him with all my heart, and I know he loved me so much, I understand that he is a man, and that after 1 year we don't have physical contact, he needs sex.

I am so sure that woman don't love him, she is running away from her problem, and maybe she had a bad environment in her family to go after and older man, that can be his father, his children are 7 and 13, so neither she have age or profile to be stepmother of them.

Now I quit everything in my life, job, home, everything, I am living in my parents home, I had depression for almost 2 month, and I don't understand what happened, we discuss a lot I know, but only because I can not be with him, not because I don't love him.

Now I am trying to take my life again, I pray everyday for him and his children, I went to Psychologist, I talk to my mother for advise, I went to spiritual guidance, and all of them told me I have to do it my self, no one can help in this path of my life, and I understand that. Today I will start a self center therapy, by my self, with music and relax music.

I have to tell you, I was in love when I was 24, and finally we broke and it took to me one month to forget him, and I promise my self to don't fall in love again in my life, 5 years ago, I change my mind, but while that time before, I went out with a lot of men, and with some of them had relationship, but those were not more then 6 or 8 month because I became bored, and was centered in my job only, so I decide to be celibate, and ask to God, to give me signal when he send me the one, when I meet this man, I was going out with other who live here in my country, and at first I was not interested in him ( the one from USA), but he told me that after he found me he will not let me go, that give him an opportunity to show me, that I can love him, so finally I was not in love with the other man, and I say yes, I told him about I had a relation and I was dating with other person, and he said it don't matter let me do this, at first we only talk at phone, and then he come often to visit me, in weekends, in that

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In some way, he thinks I don't like his children, but I love them too, I care during all divorce time, and after all, we discuss about their problems, and I went to physiologist to ask about, and she advice me, to help him, everything, but after that year, I became so angry because always he said he have to be with them, I think he misunderstood that, it was not about them, as a person I understand he have to be with them, and in 50% way, I love him because that, he is a very good father, but as a woman, I need him, and he said this was a bad time for him, because he was just adjusting to them, I teach him, to feed them, to laundry, to cook good recipes for them, I search in web everything so he can go out with them, In holiday times, I search for places where kids can have fun, everything, and now he said me that maybe I will not support his children, and that maybe if I go there, I will not like they and I will return from there, so he can not handle that.

Really, I will appreciate your advice, and I will do my best, to understand if lives it this way, and true love doesn't exist. Or if it will take a time, and he will understand that that woman only want to be with him, to live in a big city, and to run away her problems, and after money, I really write you because I learn a new meaning in English is "Sugar Daddy", and that is what is changing on, please help me.

Thank You



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 4:07am
Your long distance situation is difficult. I think you need to come to grips with the fact that there are things love cannot overcome. He cannot move to be with you if he has children from a previous marriage. You cannot expect him to abandon the children and you cannot expect the ex-wife to allow them to go.

Before you would marry him you should live freely here with no expectations to see if the situation would work. And obviously you cannot get a visa to come here.

So there is only one logical solution. Let him go and get over him. You have given this too much time. I don't believe that what you have is true love - it sounds like an infatuation and an illusion that you are hanging onto.

You have much to be thankful for - so focus on making your life even better and the right person will come along. The right relationship will be easy.

Good luck.