Low self-esteem and insecurity ruining relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2012
Low self-esteem and insecurity ruining relationship
5
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 11:44am

I have a history of men cheating on me (namely my ex fiance of 6 years) and it's something I am trying to get over. I met the most amazing man and for the first time in my life, I feel in love (at 38!).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010

I know exactly how you feel. Not only was I cheated on but I also witnessed men cheating on their wives and girlfriends all around me including my family and friends. I also have friends who cheated on their partners. Now I am married and in so much love but this feeling creeps in sometimes and I ask myself what if he is not who I think he is? am i just another dumb wife who does not see clearly? what if he is talking to someone else? And million other questions that comes to my mind....But then I realize that these questions are because of the previous experiences or experiences of the people I know and not something that my husband did. He also never gave me reason not to trust him, he tells me he loves me, most of his free time he spends with me and if he is not with me, he is playing futbal. So then I made a rule for myself, always give myself time to think before acting jealous...or saying something that I would regret. Also he helped because he made sure I am included in all of his plans and I just kind of stopped even thinking that he would be cheating. Some people might say I am a fool for trusting this much but until he gives me a reason, a very good reason..I will not think about it and I don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007

Think about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

If you really feel that you have a problem w/ this & it's ruining your relationships, then you should get therapy to deal w/ it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2002
Many years ago my exBF cheated on me for many months, later told me he didn't want to be with me for the last year of our relationship. Had had been someone who talked marriage all the time and already shopped for a ring for me. It took me awhile to get over for sure. I went into my next relationship determined to follow the motto: dance like no one is watching and love like you have never been hurt. Not saying it was easy, but my now husband (after dating for about 5 years) is a pilot so I do know alot about having to fully trust in a relationship. He flies models in Brazil even (I'm not making that up) and I can honestly say, I am not jealous. I think part of the reason is, I am the best me I can be. I'm not a model, but I truly believe I am the best me - I workout, have hobbies, like to laugh with him and try not to take little things too seriously. I treat him the way I want to be treated and I certainly don't want to have someone constantly thinking I am about to cheat. I am not saying it is easy, but I advise you to try your best to concentrate on you and what amazing things you bring to this relationship and leave the worry about him cheating behind. Has he given you a reason to worry? It doesn't sound like it. So to be fair to him, you are right, you must kick your baggage to the curb or it will damage the relationship. This relationship is the now, focus on the present and yourself and I truly believe the rest will follow. Oh and my ex and I are now able to be on friendly terms after over a decade and I occasionally talk with him on the phone (as I do with my best guy friend both live out os state) and my husband occasionally grabs lunch with a friend (girl) that he knows. It is possible for your boyfriend to be on very good terms with his ex wife and truly, not want anything more. I am sure he is living int he present too, not the past, and it is you he wants to be with. So journal about how amazing you are, find things to do for yourself and let yourself love freely for both your sakes. Best of luck and enjoy him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Insecurity is caused by lack of self esteem and self respect.