lying (cheating?) boyfriend - my plan

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
lying (cheating?) boyfriend - my plan
10
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 6:32pm

Hi everyone,

Didn't know who to turn to, I'm new to this, so excuse the rambling and overexplaining.... a lot to get off my chest...

Ok, here's the story...

I have been with my boyfriend for over 9 years now, and before i start, I should probably give you a rough idea of the background.

He is a wonderful person.
We get on really well, we have similar interests and ideas, he treats me well (i get flowers on a regular basis for instance), we have fun together and we rarely argue. When we do, things can be tough, but we usually talk it through eventually. We connect.
We broke up last year for about 6 months (we were in separate countries for a year, long distance relationships are definitely not a good idea). The relationship rekindled as soon as we were back in the same country.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in spite of what is going to follow l I don't want to break up with him, I'd rather work things out...

Over the years I caught him lying to me. Not very very often, but about important stuff. We're not talking about the nice lies that save the other person embarassment or upset ("does my bum look big in this?" - "of course not honey!") .

When he does something that he knows is wrong and would upset me, he lies about it, rarely comes clean.

Several things upset me about this.

1) First, that he could do these things in the first place.
For instance, when we were broken up, he slept with a few girls (which is ok, we WERE on a break).
However we are back together now.
Since then, one girl he slept with asked for his phone number and was emailing him. In fairness to him, he came to me with this issue.
He asked me how I felt about him keeping in touch with her. I thought about it, and told him that I questionned her motives, that it made me feel quite uncomfortable.
I also asked him why he would want to keep in touch with her.
He said he just thought she was a really nice girl, told me she was very proper, and that he would just like her as a friend.
When I still had an issue with it, he just went behind my back, gave her his cell number, and is still exchanging emails with her (tho not on a regular basis).
I read the emails, his are ok and friendly, hers are very flirty ands amourous.
Even tho she is aware of mer, she says she'd love to hear his voice, keeps refering to the time they had together, suggests she should come and visit, calls him "sexy" all the time...
The fact that he lied is annoying, but what bothers me is that he doesn't see how this is inappropriate, which is unsettling. He maintains they're just friends, (and doesn't know I know about the content of the mails)

Also he went out with this other girl, and fell in love with her, when we were apart. Things never really developped, they slept together a few times (he told me), but they were only in contact by texts.
When we got back together it wasn't right to keep in touch, he admitted that himself. But he just wanted to break up with her gently, at his own pace.
I agreed with him, there was no need to be cruel to her.
About 3 months later, I had suspicions, I found texts from her in his phone. Basically, he was still texting her (tho nothing too flirty), being nice, while she once or twice sent him drunk sexy texts.
I also found out that he sent her flowers on her birthday. After talking about it with him, he said he';d break it off for good.
I believed him.
Then 6 months later, found out that he was STILL in touch. This time, he says it's over.

I don't believe that he met with any of these two girls, they live far from where we are.
Does it even count as an emotional affair, because he's on the receiving end of their attention without recirpocating?
I still feel betrayed by it...

Most importantly, I strongly suspect that he did cheat on me before we broke up.
I found condoms in the house, not our usual brand, and 2 were missing from the box.
When I asked him about it, he said he didn't know anything about it.
Then a few hours later, said he suddenly remembered. He had used them when he was masturbating, out of curiosity. Yeah right.

The weird thing is, I NEVER spoke to him about it again.
I know he would just deny it, make up more stories.
BUT I know or rather very strongly suspect what he was up to, and it makes me realise that he's capable of that kind of betrayal.
And that since he got away with it the first (?) time, he can do it again.

2) Secondly what bothers me is that he can look me in the eyes and just hide the truth with a smile, without even feeling guilty about it.
At the beginning of our relationship, if I had a hunch and confronted him about something he lied about, he would get angry with me, accusing me of being paranoid, asking me if I have evidence.

I would often back down, because his reactions were so aggressive I thought he was really offended by the unfair suggestion he did something bad.

Alternatively, he would look at me really earnestly, and tell me that he would NEVER do something like that to me, that he was crazy about me and would never treat me like that.
I always felt like a complete bitch afterwards for even thinking such horrible things about him.

Then a few months or even years after the lie, I would stumble across evidence proving that i was right to doubt him. Someone would say something, or he'd forget his own lie and contradict himself.

It's only when he's faced with proof that he backs down, admits and apologises. He rarely volunteers the truth unless I know the truth already.
That's why I started snooping this year....

3) ...which brings me to the third thing that upsets me.
My lack of trust in him is changing me into something that I despise.

I'm ashamed to say that I have turned into a snoop. It's awful. I check his emails. His phone bills. His text messages. His computer.

Funny thing is, I'm a really bad liar, and I feel so guilty about doing this that I usually come clean after a few hours, confessing that I looked through his phone, and apologising for it, and confronting him with what I found.

I'm so ashamed and angry at myself for doing this.

He has been very good about it, he tells me that his behaviour is causing me to do this. Still, I feel rotten about it, because I know I'm not respecting his privacy, and betraying his trust.I would hate for someone to do that to me.

On the other hand, each time I have a hunch and I snoop, i find something...

I thought so much about all this this year....
It upsets me that he is capable of doing these things, and then cover it up.

I'm confused, because we get on so well, I don't understand why he has a need to flirt with other women, have intimate emotional relationship with them, or even cheat.

But i accept my share of responsibility, I know I have been too controlling (because of his break of trust), always wondering, asking too many questions, not respecting his need for space sometimes.

For instance I know it's not my place to tell him whether he can or can't stay in touch with a one-night-stand, he should decide himself what is the right thing to do.
And yet I keep telling him what is morally aceptable to me.

His lying is his way of getting away with things that HE wants to do, because I won't let him, or just so he can prove to himslef he's in control.
Also I suppose, when he's innocent of the things I suspect, it makes him feel that he may as well be doing something bad.

Anyway, bottom line is I can't go on like this.

I want him to stop lying, butI realise that I can't MAKE him stop lying. I cannot change him. So maybe I want to change myself. I want to be a good person again and STOP being so intrusive and controlling. The rest is up to him.

I want to stop asking him questions all the time.
I want to stop telling if he's allowed/not allowed to talk to exes
I want to stop snooping.
I want to stop doubting him, or imagining the worst case scenario.
And I want to give him some space to be himself.

This is by no way a license to cheat.
i come to realise that if he keeps lying and possibly cheating after I better myself, it is absolutely unacceptable to me.

So... I've decided that if he gives SERIOUS reasons to doubt him (WITHOUT snooping. Liars will eventually make a mistake, i truely believe that), then that will be the end of us. If he lies to me about IMPORTANT stuff (not just how much he spent on his new shoes), I have decided to leave.

Ok, there's my question (finally - sorry about the rambling)

Should I share this with him? Should I talk to him about the new attitude I've decided to adopt? Or should I say nothing at all and get on with it?

I'd like him to change his passwords so the temptation won't be there anymore.

And maybe he should be aware of the consequences of his actions? My reaction to his lying and cheating have been very reasonable so far, there was no screaming rows, mainly me crying a lot, then a lot of talking and apologising.... I never took revenge or stormed off.
I don't want him to feel blackmailed into telling the truth all the time and behaving right. I just want him to know that I want to change the way things work in our relationship.

Less control on my part, more truth on his?

Again, sorry about the length of this novel, I'll be more concise in the future

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 11:05am
I understand that you want to save your relationship, but I really don't understand why. He is a liar. You can't trust him (although you are very good at making excuses for him), and you will never be able to trust him. What do you suppose he's telling all these other women about you? You are absolutely correct when you say that you can't make him stop lying (or flirting or cheating, for that matter)--all you can do is decide when you've had enough, and then take steps to reclaim your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 6:24am

Hi Geoteo,
Thanks for your reply, I took your points on board but you're tough!
About what he says to the other women about me... Well, he does tell them I exist. Even sometimes mentions me, things we did, dates we had... But most of the times I'm edited out of the stories or pictures that he sends.

there were more development yesterday. I had to borrow his computer and found the draft of an email to girl n.1 - the one who he says is just a friend and who has been flirting with him by mail...
Well, I was shocked to see that he is encouraging her, reminiscing about the time they had together (quite upsetting if you know that it was a 3 day encounter mainly based mainly on sex).
I was really uspet all day, and confronted him in the evening. He reversed the situation from the start, telling me that he was really unhappy in the relationship (well, I kinda of guessed that, you don't behave like this when you're content with your girlfriend).
He also apologised for making me feel that way, but still feels that there was nothing wrong with the email. If there was, he just wasn't thinking, he didn't mean to flirt or encourage an inappropriate relationship.
Thing is, she lives on another continent, so he can't physically cheat. I also question why this draft was left where I could see it (he knew I had to borrow his computer).
Anyway, I told him that breaking up is seriously on my mind, I can't carry on in a relationship where there is no trust. We still couldn't agree that he did me wrong. So i told him that if that girl's reply was in any way untowards, hemust then agree that he encouraged her, and he would have to cut contact with her, full stop. He agreed, but feels that I'm cutting him off his friends and forcing him to live his life by my very high standards.

I know you said I make excuses for him, but I also know that in these situations blame can never be put on one person only. I do have my share of responsibility as well.
I wonder if he's right when he says I don't give him enough attention, which would explain why he seeks it from other women. The fact that he leaves clues lying round may be an attempt to make me jealous, and make me refocus on him. I'm very busy with my career, working long hours, and very tired when i come home, so he may feel neglected.

NOW I know it's a cruel way to express your frustration, but I really don't think he's aware of it. He's REALLY not a bad person (I've only been talking about the negative, so it probably gives the wrong picture)
2 weeks ago he proposed, told me he wanted children and a house together. I put all our plans on hold until the terms of our relationship are acceptable to both of us.
I'll let you know soon if things are improving.
Again, many thanks for your reply, really appreciate feedback.
Kiro xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 5:20pm

Well, he does tell them I exist.


He tells them you exist. But who does he tell them you are?

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 6:22pm

One of the biggest issues i hear from your post is that not only is he lying to you... he is not taking any responsibility when he gets caught!!! He turns it all back on you- and you are making one excuse after another for his behavior.

I gave my b/f of 3 years all the freedoms. I never told him he couldn't speak to someone, be friends with someone, etc...that's just not me, I am a very trusting individual. And like you, we rarely fought and got along great.... and he still cheated on me. So don't be so hard on yourself that you are the reason he is the way he is. Even if you "allowed" him the things you feel are issues now, he is going to do what HE wants to do.

From what i am reading, these girls may be on other continents, but the way he flirts and makes himself emotionally available, it sounds like a matter of time before he finds his way to someone within walking distance. His behavior is not goign to change...and he is changing YOU. And you don't seem to like the person you have become.

I think you need to step out of this relationship- seek some counseling and regain yourself before you spend anymore time in this emotionally toxic relationship.

Sorry if I was blunt, but your posts have disaster written all over them and I think this is very destructive to your personal being.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 12:45am

If blunt offends you, you may not want to read further. He is not a wonderful person. He is a cheater and a liar and he has you accepting the blame for his behavior. It may not be your place to tell him who he can be friends with but you owe it to yourself to set healthy boundaries in relationships that honor what you need to feel safe.

My son is 24 years old and does not want to hurt his current girlfriend by keeping in contact with his ex. They went out for 8 years but he understands that what he is creating with his girlfriend is more important than rehashing things with his ex or living in fantasies about what could have been.

You cannot trust someone whose behavior does not warrant trust. You don't need to check his email, his phone or anything, you KNOW he's doing something he shouldn't. How much proof do you need? I know what living with a liar and master manipulator does to your sense of trust in yourself and I can't tell you how good it feels to know what I know and not give a rats A$$ about whether he gets it or can admit it or not. I don't need the proof anymore and it is incredibly validating and self-affirming.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 1:57pm
Honestly.. if my girl did any of that stuff to me she'd be canned!..
When someone loves and respect you.. all the natural things you want would be there. Its only common sense the things that are expected and respected in a relationship.. just as its only common sense on the things that you don't do and disrespect!! Get a real man... he's not right!
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:59am

<>

This makes it sounds like you think that your behavior may be *causing* him to lie and "possibly cheat* (IMO, he IS emotionally cheating).

YOU, nor anyone else, can MAKE him lie or cheat. He's not doing it because of you or your behavior. He's not lying because he has to or you'll get mad; he's not lying because he's unhappy in the relationship. He's not contacting exes behind your back and lying about it because you're not paying enough attention to him.

He's lying because his morals and values tell him that he deserves to lie when he feels the need.

The big problem with this is YOU will never be able to define when it's ok for HIM to lie. Only he knows when it's ok for him to lie. In my mind, it's NEVER. for ANY reason. And withholding information IS deceiving - it still counts.

You can change your behavior all you want, but he's not going to change. By his own admission, he doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong, so why should he stop?

Why are you accepting this behavior year after year? How big of a lie does it have to be to be a deal-breaker for you? How many times does he have to talk to his exes for you to decide enough is enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:54pm

Hi there.
As I sit reading your posting, tears roll down my face because your story is my story. It's basically like I wrote the posting instead of you- that is how similar our situations are. The only difference is that I have been engaged to my fiance' a year now and we are to be married in a few months.
We have all of the issues your relationship has, I do all of the things you do, I feel the same way that you feel, he commits the same offenses youf bf commits, and he reacts and sees things the same way your bf does. I too question my contribution to his actions, I too question if I am asking too much of him when I ask him not to have female friends. He always promises to stop but I always find that the hasn't thru texts, e-mails, hour long phone calls on his cell. I too found an empty condom box in my fiance's car about a month ago. He claimed he put it there to set me up b/c I am always snooping, but I of course knew better than that. I eventually built up the courage to leave him but returned b/c he confessed everything (partially at least b/c he claims he bought them but didn't go thru w/the act) to me which I required b/c already knew the truth , but I needed him to be able to be honest w/himself & me. He as you can see onlys admit to what he has to to get by. I say this to say as usual, he promised to stop with these women and 3 weeks after I came back home, and from looking in his phone yesterday he is still up to the old same thing.

Just as you are, I am tired too. I finally realize this time that nothing I do or say will ever change him, it is something he has to do on his own and the same for your bf. It's just simply unhealthy for us to continue living like this and more importantly for me, I have a son to live for. Emotional pain & stress can kill you- kill who you are and that's exactly what it is doing to us.

Avatar for bubblebath1969
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 1:02pm
I have one question for you: Why do you want to stay with this man? If the love relationship doesn't lead you to you and if you are not a better person for being with him, why do you want to 'work it out?' I could understand the possibility if you had children involved, but even then, if I found out my husband did what you are saying your BF did, I would be done with him and this is my husband of 9 years and two children. I would look deep within yourself and think about *WHY* you want to be with this guy. Life is much too short to be unhappy, untrusting and jelous in my opinion. Good Luck with whatever you decide. :)
Avatar for bubblebath1969
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 1:14pm
PS: Stop making excuses for him and justifying his behavior with a reason. This is the person he is and nothing you do or say will change that. You can only change yourself. I would highly recommend reading the book "Your Sacred Self" by Wayne Dyer before you say 'yes' to this man....why bring children into the picture with a man that has a track record like this one? Marriage and children are challenging enough on a relationship even when you are with MR. Right. Please find yourself and love yourself enough to treat yourself with love and kindness. There are plenty of honest and trustworthy men out there...go find one.
Sorry, just had to add that...I was with a guy like this years ago and it was pure heartache all the time. Thank the Lord I said "NO" when he asked me to marry him and it was that day, I kicked his butt out of MY house.
Once again, Good Luck!!!!