Lying - I need to stop, need advice!
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| Mon, 07-23-2007 - 1:51am |
I am basically in a really bad spot in my relationship.
I love my husband. But for some reason I am always lying to him. Even the smallest thing. For instance this week he asked me not to tell anyone about our studio for a bit. And I did anyway and he found out and then I said " I didn't tell anyone that" like stuff like that. I am trying to get out of lies because I am scared he will be really angry with me, but I end up having a even more angry person at me, because I never fessed up I continued to lie. I am not sure why I lie? and or how to stop it.
I mean in this relationship, I was not fully attracted to corey at first. But I fell in love with him anyway. I did some mean things , I cheated on him 3 times in the 6 years we have been together. I have lied constantly to him. Non stop. Its like I dont think before I talk, and then something bad slips out and then I decide somehow in my mind that my man won't find out and I can hide it so I create all these other lies to hide the fact that I messed up and then when he finds out on his own, then I add more lies to try to convince him that I didn't say that. I don't even know why I do that. I know he knows but I still do it anyway. So All in all. I don't feel like a very good person. I am very sad and depressed. Not happy with my life at all. Me and my husband have two kids together. I am the sole provider for them. So yes. Very confused, not sure how to fix my relationship. He doesnt trust me, he probably has spy ware on all the computers so he knows what im typing to people and there is absolutely no trust left in our relationship.
Is it possible to fix my relationship? what should I do. I know I am a total screw up. I just want to fix it. I love him, everything is great. its my fault with all the lies. Half the time when I am lying it doesnt feel like a lie to me, and I know thats wrong and I need to figure out a way to stop it.
Jenae

You first need to TRULY ask yourself, "Do I want to fix this relationship?"
If so, YOU HAVE TO START TELLING THE TRUTH and be COMPLETELY open with him. There is no other way. Do you find yourself telling white lies to other people on a consistent basis? If so, you may need some professional help. You're not crazy!-- it's just a bad habit to break, like smoking! If you can't afford therapy, there are many other self-help resources on the web or in the library.
My ex of 5 years was a compulsive liar and I didn't even realize it until our last year together. I knew he lied to other people all the time, about the tiniest things, but it never popped into my head that he had EVER lied to me! You start to BELIEVE these lies that are coming out of your mouth and that's when it becomes a problem.
You can obviously recognize you have a problem which is a great first step! Ask yourself if you have you had trouble opening up to boyfriends in the past? So... if you only lie to him, your subconscious is probably telling you something you don't want to recognize: that you are ready to move on and that something isn't or was never right.
HOWEVER, you have kids! You owe it to them to try one last time to work on opening yourself up and showing your true colors. And if this doesn't work out, better sooner than later so you can all move on.
Also, try writing in a journal or even a Word document on the computer to let all of your feelings out. You can erase it when you're done to avoid anybody snooping! Letting yourself ramble on and on may help you discover something about yourself you didn't know.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!!!!!!! I hope others can give you some other perspectives. I do not have kids and I haven't been married but I have been in two healthy, long relationships where communication was our foundation.
"It is better to be hurt with the truth than to be comforted with a lie."
In the past relationships all of them have been less then two years. This one is my first long relationship. Overall we have a great relationship. The problem is when its time to be honest to fess up to stuff I have done. I have a lot of trouble doing that. I don't know why I do it. Its not like I want to lie to him, it just comes out of my mouth before I even have a moment to think about anything. All I do is keep hurting him over and over. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I just want him to be happy and me to be happy and be able to have no problem telling the truth when I screw up. In the past, I guess I may have learned this from my mother. In order to get out of something I messed up on. I would always create a lie. I am thinking as you said that this is a bad habbit and its really hard to break. I did pretty good only one lie in 2 and a half weeks. I thought that that was pretty good. I mean........I want to be honest with him. But I haven't been the greatest girlfriend/fiance for him. I mean he is the first guy I have cheated on. I still don't understand why I did that. I mean. I was attracted to the guys I cheated on him with...... but thats the gist of my attraction, just physically. I just want to learn to be true to my man, in every way, honesty and between one another. I just don't know where to start. Counciling is to much money. Thats why I thought I would try this. If any one has any recommendations of what I could do for help for my habit that be great. I live in Edmonton Alberta canada.
Well, is he your husband or your fiancee because on another board he's your fiancee but here he's your husband.