Madly in love, but trying to be cool
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| Thu, 06-17-2004 - 11:09pm |
Your site was recommended to me to get a female insight so I hope you can help me. Sorry for the length!
I met my girlfriend last December and we both fell madly in love. Everything was right, and we had so much in common even down to taking the same subjects in university and graduating in the same year. We discussed everything from our childrens' names to our marriage to where we'd like to live; just three weeks ago we went looking at houses unbeknownst to anybody else. We have been spending loads of time together. Then, after our last weekend away, we went to a party of all her friends and walking out she was lamenting how she never sees them anymore. So that following week I didn't see her until friday night, even though we talked to each other about twice a day on the phone. That was the longest we had been apart. I told her how I didn't feel as close to her because of it. What I said was the unvarnished truth, and probably explanable by my having developed an 'all or nothing' mindset where it is easier for me to simply forget about something and move on than think of how much I miss it.
Nonetheless, she was really hurt that I said I hadn't felt as close to her. We woke up the following Saturday morning, and were supposed to be going away for the weekend. She suddenly said that she might visit her friends instead that night and go away with me the next morning. For the first time ever, I was hurt by her. I told her to do that but that I wasn't going with her anywhere the next day. She immediately said she was sorry and she'd rather go with me that day and forget about her new 'plan'. I told her that I suddenly didn't feel like going anywhere with her; that I never wanted to be second fiddle to anybody and treated like that. The upshot has been that in the past two weeks I have seen less of her than ever before, and she has seen friends in those nights. Last weekend, I decided to go away from her on my own from Thursday until Sunday as it was safer for me to make myself completely unavailable than to be rejected by her. I was going to stay away after Sunday but she was on the phone in tears with me(she has been crying a lot about it all; I've cried for the first time in years)asking me to come back and talk to her. I told her I hadn't planned on going back until Wednesday or so(as much as I missed her madly; I wanted to do something to ensure she didn't think she could treat me like this). By the end of the call I was going back that night. We met, talked and as always it was bliss. Everything was fine, as if nothing had ever changed. We met each other last night and, even though I was late, the look of absolute love on her face when she saw me made me know I'm the most blessed guy. We had a brilliant night as usual, although there was no sleepover( and thus was short/5 hours). Where's the problem?
Well, tonight we were on the phone and we had arranged to spend the weekend together. I told her I had loads of work to do and she asked 'do you want us not to meet?'. I got angry(I always go quiet or say 'I'll talk later') and she wanted to know what was up. I told her that I wouldn't allow anything to come in on my time with her and that I hated the way she was once again so keen to give up our time together.
In short, I love this girl so much. But I cannot tempermentally seem to play this 'cool' thing; rather I view our time together in contrast to our greater time together before and wonder what's really happening in her mind. For the first time in my life, I feel lonely. In all the years I've been alone, I've not felt this loneliness. My usual defense mechanism has been 'all or nothing', but then I was single. I know I cannot continue this frame of thinking because it's very absolute, and when I cut contact, I cut it clear. The trouble now is that I'm feeling emotionally unfulfilled from this relationship, simply and entirely in the lack of time we have together. My habits would tell me it's easier to cut connection now and go back to being alone, but not lonely. My heart and mind are telling me that this girl is the one for me and if I marry anybody it will be her. Like Jack Nicholson said in 'As Good As It Gets' I feel she 'makes me want to be a better man'. I want to find that middle ground, but I don't want to develop a harder heart.
Again, apologies for the length but I hope you can help with insight or advice here. Thanks.

Some people need more 'time', togetherness than other people, but it doesn't mean that person loves the other person less.
Carrie