Major Jealousy Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Major Jealousy Issues
7
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 4:42pm
I have a major problem with jealousy and insecurity when it comes to other girls my boyfriend's been involved with. Whenever they happen to come up in a conversation (even if it's just a friend mentioning them casually) or if we see them randomly at parties or clubs, I get uncomfortable and, depending on the situation, quite irritated.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, is completely opposite. He's totally secure with himself and it doesn't bother him at all when an ex of mine comes up. In fact, i'm friends with someone i've been involved with in the past and we see each other very often and it does not faze my boyfriend at all.

I feel badly about this and I want to know what I can do to get over this jealousy. Most of the time, I keep it to myself and I don't really show or let on my discomort or irritability, but sometimes it's not always possible. For instance, this past weekend, I was at a party with my boyfriend and at one point, I saw him talking to an ex and I stormed right past him and ignored him for the rest of the night. Granted, I was pretty drunk so this didn't help any, but I know I made a fool of myself and, now, I'm really embarassed.

The thing is that I know exactly where my jealousy comes from. I came out of a really turbulent relationship where my ex was very possessive and controlling. He also flirted with other girls, had many questionable "girl/friends", and after we broke up, I found out that he cheated on me. Now, because of that, my current bf (who is wonderful, I might add) is feeling the effects. One thing about my current boyfriend is that this is his first real relationship so I'm kind of thinking that that is why he does not have too many issues.

Anyway, can anyone relate? Any advice would be greatly appreciated..I NEED HELP!

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 4:51pm
A primary source of insecurity is when you believe that another person's actions are being done deliberately to hurt you, or because of you. When you think of it, that is pretty selfish as if you are the center of everything in that person's life. From there you choose feelings that are negative which makes everything worse. In your specific case you are holding your current BF accountable for issues that happened in your past that had nothing to do with him. What this can also mean is that you lack self-responsibility.

The first step for correction is to understand and accept that your BF is a leader of his own life. He is choosing his path and he has made the choice to be with you. If you continue to make him wrong for his actions with others he will learn that it is likely wrong to be with you.

Accept and appreciate him for who and what he is. Understand that his actions are not about you, intended to hurt you or because of you. This will allow you to be more self-responsible and how you choose your feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 5:14pm
I agree with a lot of what spice man said, but not everything.

I personally don't think that you are being selfish. I don't think you believe you are the center of the universe...or even just his, and I don't think you are holding him accountable for past issues. I think you got hurt in the past and because no one expects to get hurt, when you do it kind of sticks with you. I know I have been that way in relationships, unfortunatly, those feelings just made me lose some really great guys.

I know someone hurt you, but you got out of that hurtful relationship and started over with someone who sounds great. Don't let someone else get you down. Instead of letting that happened in the past change you into an insecure jealous person, make it change you into a smarter, more mature person. You know what they say, innocent until proven guilty. Old flames are over for a reason, and just because he sees that person, from what you said, accidentally, doesn't mean he's going after them. Wanting to talk to an ex is common if it didn't end horribly, so be supportive and even if you feel jealous, don't act on it because chances are he's innocent. If he becomes guilty...then get jealous, but leave him. Also, try to not get drunk and act like that again. I've found that when ex's sence jealousy and insecurity, sometimes they will leap to the chance to pounce on your boyfriend, because they know that there is probably something wrong with the relationship when the knew girl friend acts crazy like that.

Just trust him, unless he actually DOES something. And maybe talk to a counselor, or even just a friend about your insecurities and work through them, because you deserve a great guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 7:07pm
Lynmusic,

Thanks so much for the honest reply..it really helped alot. You're absolutely right, I shouldn't let someone else bring me down and instead of harboring feelings of jealousy and insecurity, I should just let it go. My boyfriend really IS a good person and he deserves a good girlfriend in return. Thank you, again, for the insight..jules

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 7:48pm
I agree with Lynmusic. You deserve a really great guy -- so relax and enjoy this one. You are a good person too. I disagree with SpiceMan's response that you need to take responsibility -- you absolutely did take responsibility by recognizing that it is your own insecurity that is causing you pain. It is very hard to recognize these things in ourselves, that is the biggest hurdle. Good luck, I hope everything works out well for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 12:59am
Self-responsibility has two steps to it -

1) Acknowledging the problem

2) Taking proactive steps towards positive change.

The OP has acknowledged the problem but will also need to take action so that it does not continue to hinder her future success. If she did nothing then the problem would still exist as would the issue of self-responsibility.

ps. It is great that she has acknowledged the problem. Hopefully she will have the courage and conviction for positive change as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 1:35am
I agree, however, by coming here it's obvious that she is well on her way to taking the second step right? And thats a big one. From experience, when you get hurt or cheated on, esp when it hasn't happened to you before, it's an experience that changes you. You are a little less naieve, but a little more paranoid. We all work through things differently at our own pace, so I think she's totally headed in the right direction.

:) Good luck Jules, let us know how it goes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 12:37pm
I talked to my boyfriend about everything last night. First, I started off by apologizing for my actions over the past weekend, that it was very immature of me and how irrationally I acted. Then, I went on saying how I really want to try, from now on, being less jealous and insecure because it's not fair to him or helping me develop as a person at all. His response (and for some reason, I wasn't too surprised) was to not worry about it, because that's just how I am. If it's in my nature to be a little more jealous than the next person, then it's just something he has to deal with. And then he went on to mention some of his flaws that are just a part of him that I have to learn to accept about him.

And it's kinda intereseting because at this point, I could have totally just let it go and let him be ok with my jealousy, but I didn't. Instead, I insisted that I didn't want to be that kind of girlfriend, and I would hate it if he were like that towards me so it wouldn't be right that I do that to him..almost like it was double-standard. And I just pretty much repeated that I'm really going to try to deal with my insecurities because I trust him and I want to show that to him and prove to myself that I can overcome this personal obstacle. Also, that I shouldn't let my past issues interfere with our relationship and get the best of me.

Anyway, that was pretty much all that was said and he agreed to it (although he didn't think it was such a big deal to not talk to his exes..he said if it's something that would make me uncomfortable, he would just avoid the situation altogether). I feel sooo much better now and although it's so soon, I almost feel as if just talking about it made me overcome a good amount of my inner evils.

Thank you all, again, for the great advice and positive support..I really appreciate it!