Major Jealousy Issues
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| Tue, 09-21-2004 - 4:42pm |
My boyfriend, on the other hand, is completely opposite. He's totally secure with himself and it doesn't bother him at all when an ex of mine comes up. In fact, i'm friends with someone i've been involved with in the past and we see each other very often and it does not faze my boyfriend at all.
I feel badly about this and I want to know what I can do to get over this jealousy. Most of the time, I keep it to myself and I don't really show or let on my discomort or irritability, but sometimes it's not always possible. For instance, this past weekend, I was at a party with my boyfriend and at one point, I saw him talking to an ex and I stormed right past him and ignored him for the rest of the night. Granted, I was pretty drunk so this didn't help any, but I know I made a fool of myself and, now, I'm really embarassed.
The thing is that I know exactly where my jealousy comes from. I came out of a really turbulent relationship where my ex was very possessive and controlling. He also flirted with other girls, had many questionable "girl/friends", and after we broke up, I found out that he cheated on me. Now, because of that, my current bf (who is wonderful, I might add) is feeling the effects. One thing about my current boyfriend is that this is his first real relationship so I'm kind of thinking that that is why he does not have too many issues.
Anyway, can anyone relate? Any advice would be greatly appreciated..I NEED HELP!
Thanks for listening.

The first step for correction is to understand and accept that your BF is a leader of his own life. He is choosing his path and he has made the choice to be with you. If you continue to make him wrong for his actions with others he will learn that it is likely wrong to be with you.
Accept and appreciate him for who and what he is. Understand that his actions are not about you, intended to hurt you or because of you. This will allow you to be more self-responsible and how you choose your feelings.
I personally don't think that you are being selfish. I don't think you believe you are the center of the universe...or even just his, and I don't think you are holding him accountable for past issues. I think you got hurt in the past and because no one expects to get hurt, when you do it kind of sticks with you. I know I have been that way in relationships, unfortunatly, those feelings just made me lose some really great guys.
I know someone hurt you, but you got out of that hurtful relationship and started over with someone who sounds great. Don't let someone else get you down. Instead of letting that happened in the past change you into an insecure jealous person, make it change you into a smarter, more mature person. You know what they say, innocent until proven guilty. Old flames are over for a reason, and just because he sees that person, from what you said, accidentally, doesn't mean he's going after them. Wanting to talk to an ex is common if it didn't end horribly, so be supportive and even if you feel jealous, don't act on it because chances are he's innocent. If he becomes guilty...then get jealous, but leave him. Also, try to not get drunk and act like that again. I've found that when ex's sence jealousy and insecurity, sometimes they will leap to the chance to pounce on your boyfriend, because they know that there is probably something wrong with the relationship when the knew girl friend acts crazy like that.
Just trust him, unless he actually DOES something. And maybe talk to a counselor, or even just a friend about your insecurities and work through them, because you deserve a great guy.
Thanks so much for the honest reply..it really helped alot. You're absolutely right, I shouldn't let someone else bring me down and instead of harboring feelings of jealousy and insecurity, I should just let it go. My boyfriend really IS a good person and he deserves a good girlfriend in return. Thank you, again, for the insight..jules
1) Acknowledging the problem
2) Taking proactive steps towards positive change.
The OP has acknowledged the problem but will also need to take action so that it does not continue to hinder her future success. If she did nothing then the problem would still exist as would the issue of self-responsibility.
ps. It is great that she has acknowledged the problem. Hopefully she will have the courage and conviction for positive change as well.
:) Good luck Jules, let us know how it goes!
And it's kinda intereseting because at this point, I could have totally just let it go and let him be ok with my jealousy, but I didn't. Instead, I insisted that I didn't want to be that kind of girlfriend, and I would hate it if he were like that towards me so it wouldn't be right that I do that to him..almost like it was double-standard. And I just pretty much repeated that I'm really going to try to deal with my insecurities because I trust him and I want to show that to him and prove to myself that I can overcome this personal obstacle. Also, that I shouldn't let my past issues interfere with our relationship and get the best of me.
Anyway, that was pretty much all that was said and he agreed to it (although he didn't think it was such a big deal to not talk to his exes..he said if it's something that would make me uncomfortable, he would just avoid the situation altogether). I feel sooo much better now and although it's so soon, I almost feel as if just talking about it made me overcome a good amount of my inner evils.
Thank you all, again, for the great advice and positive support..I really appreciate it!