Major Trust lost
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| Mon, 07-30-2007 - 10:49am |
I just found this board and I am so glad that I did. You all seem to be very wonderful and give great advice. I hope this doesn't end up being too long, but i think the back story is very important to everything that has happened, so please bear w/ me. Thank you in advance!
Ok, here goes. My DH and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and been together for 8 1/2. We have an 8 mo old son. I have been to individual counseling before and we have been to couples counseling when we first got married b/c he wasn't sure he wanted children. So late January last year, he decided he was ready to have kids. I was so excited as I had been ready for about 3 years! At the beginning of January, we let a friend (girl) move in w/us b/c she was having some problems w/ her parents where she previously lived. she was going to school full time and working part time. I am only 25 and my husband will be 27. So she was living w/ us when we got pregnant. Everything was great until i started to get so tired, i had to go to bed at 8pm every night. I had a very stressful job and sometimes I didn't get home until very late. After I began showing, my DH tells me he "can't" have sex w/ me b/c it just "weirds" him out. He told me before we got pregnant, that was how he felt, but I guess I wasn't sure i believed him b/c he has such a high sex drive. I didn't think it would be a problem. The whole pregnancy, i think we had sex less than 5 times. Also, i began to get very uneasy about our roommate, who became very friendly towards my husband. I get so uneasy about her, that i ask her to move out and there is a big scene and she moves out a couple of months before the baby is born. Shortly after that, my dh doest want any contact w/ her either and after the baby comes, we both cut off most contact w/ her for a while.
So in March of this year, i get out our video camera to tape our son who is doing something adorable. I tape him and then i rewind it to play it back and watch it. I go too far forward or backwards, i am not sure, and what do i see? A co-worker of my husband's giving him a blow job. I almost drop the camera b/c i am shaking so badly and so upset. I call him at work and he comes home and we have a long long conversation. He says it happened during the summer while I was pregnant and he admits being in a very "selfish" place and he immediately regretted it and he swears that it has never happened before or since. I decide to give him another chance and we have a rocky couple of months, but mostly good. Shortly after, i become friends w/ the ex-roommate again b/c i figure my weird feelings were just b/c of this other thing. She is a good friend at times, but also drives me crazy.
Ok, so I find a condom wrapper upstairs near our cat's litter box and this brings up all new trust issues b/c it isn't our brand. It turns out to be from some clothes that were given to me and the cat got it and played w/ it. I search the places we keep our condoms (which we don't use anymore) and I find some naked pics of DH's ex-girlfriends. We have been in our current house for not quite 2 years at this point so I know he had to put them there during that time. I knew he had stuff like this before and 2 years into our relationship, he let me destroy them b/c it upset me so much that he had them even though he swore he didn't look at them. I don't have a problem w/ "homemade" porn and we had made some pics and videos of ourselves. Which i have destroyed, btw. Ok so again, I am very upset and don't know what to do. He says he put them there right after we moved in and I ask why he didnt get rid of them, he says he "doesn't know why, maybe I want to hold onto the past for some reason." So we start working through things again.
So about 2 weeks ago, i had this weird feeling again that he was keeping something from me and I know I prob shouldn't have done this, but I checked his email. I found im's between him and the ex-roommate where they were very flirty and talking about hot tubs, showers, and taking pics, etc. Again, I am shaking and very upset, but I confront him and then I confront her after he tells me that it was "harmless" flirting and nothing happened. She was at our house when this happened, so I talk to her and she swears nothing happened. These im's took place while I was pregnant too. Most of them were pretty harmless and there wasn't anything to them, but I was very upset by the ones that were b/c he had a close friendship w/ her and this hurt worse than when he actually did something physical w/ his co-worker. So again we have another talk and this time I have even called a friend to ask if I can stay w/ her and I have started packing a bag.
I decide once again to give him antoehr chance, but I am very clear w/ him about how upset I am and that I am not sure if the trust can be brought back. He says he agrees and he wishes he would have never done any of this and he seems to be truly sorry and he goes out of his way to spend more time w/ me and to try and make this up to me. I keep talking to him about counseling and he says that nothing will bring the trust back and he didn't think that counseling really helped last time. After finding each of these things, I have told him to tell me if there is anything else and to be honest b/c i will find out if there is. Each time, he has told me there is nothing. He said he forgot about the pics, which they were in a strange place that we don't normally use. He said he understood that he had an "emotional" relationship w/ our ex-roomate and he has agreed to cut all ties from her.
So a few days later, he changed his email password, deleted all the im's ( i didn't get to read them all), deleted his my space account and his face book account. He even made it so i can't check the history of where he has been on the computer. He only told me all of this after I confronted him about not being able to check the email anymore. He says he did it b/c he didn't want any more distractions and he wanted to focus on just me and our son. Again we had a talk b/c I told him this was "fishy" and I felt that he was still hiding something b/c he did that. He swears he isn't but acknowledges that he knows he has no right to say it b/c there is no trust. During these conversations, he also told me that he has felt disconnected from me for 6 years and felt that he couldn't open up to me and be himself. This hurts worse than any of the other stuff! Ohmigosh, i feel like pulling my hair out. He swears to make a new commitment to me and to be open and honest w/ me from now on.
So, I have no clue what to do. If we do go to counseling, how are we going to really get anything out of it if he thinks it is a waste of time?! Also, how can i ever trust him again?! I know rebuilding trust takes time. And I know that i have had him on a pedestal all of these years and he was my rock and now he is human, which is ok for me. The only problem is I love him so much and I feel that he is committed to me and just made a series of really stupid mistakes. He admits he wouldn't have told me about the things b/c he knew it would hurt me and he admits he wouldn't have gotten rid of the pics if I hadn't found them. I think he is being honest w/ me and even though it hurts that he says these things, i am at least glad that he is finally being honest and open w/ me. Ok. I apologize for the length of this, but thank u so much for getting this far and any advise would be appreciated.

Got a question for you... How can you think he is honest with you? He has messed around on you at least 1 time that you know of, he has had an "emotional affair" if that is all it was with a friend, condoms are missing...He does not respect or love and is not honest with you, if he did, those things would not be happening. No matter how much you love him if you don't have trust you don't have much of a relationship.
Read back over your post, if your friend, sister or daughter told you this what would your advice to them be? Do not ignore your "gut" instinct. Get counseling for yourself to find out why you don't think you deserve respect and love. His "stupid mistakes" are are showing you his morals (or lack there of) they would be deal breakers for someone that loves and respects themselves. Couples counseling is a waste of money if both of you don't want it 100%. He needs to do some serious work on himself and no one can make that happen except for him. If you continue to take his word on these matter then you have no one to blame but yourself. Good luck
Welcome to the board bobjt,
If you think something is still 'fishy' it probably is.
You can do all those things but unless your husband goes to counseling HIMSELF and figures out WHAT in his personality and values allowed him to do those things and then does the hard work to completely CHANGE his values, I don't really see what the point is.
Otherwise, he's only going to do it again because on some level he thinks it's ok.
Sheri
Thank you all again for ur responses. I want to believe that this will never happen again and that he had a moment of weakness while I was pregnant. We both would like to have more children at some point in our lives. I have always wanted a large family. I am terrified that this will happen again if I do get pregnant again and it will be worse. Part of me fears that I pushed him into having a child, but he says he wanted to and he is such a wonderful father. He told me he just can't have sex w/ me while I am pregnant b/c it weirds him out! What is up w/ that?! I really don't understand that. We have been talking a lot and he said he would change the settings on the computer so I could see his history and check his email if I wanted to, but it has been a week and he hasn't done it yet. He keeps telling me to remind him, but whenever I bring it up, he gets defensive and tells me to not talk to him about this while he is at work. He says he just doesn't think about it. But he thought about "locking" it. We share a computer, but we have our own logins. So today I asked him about it and he says he hasn't done it yet and he gets mad b/c he is really busy at work. I ask him if he really doesn't want to do it and he tells me to quit trying to pick a fight w/ him while he is at work. I really wasn't trying to pick a fight, I am just frustrated. When he comes home, he is very affectionate w/ me and our son. He has been spending a lot of time w/ both of us and I think he is really trying. He isn't very good at sharing his feelings on things and he has really been trying to do that. I feel he is being open w/ me and honest, but I still have a nagging feeling that there is something he is hiding, but he swears he isn't. Why do I keep getting this feeling?! I hate it. I hate what it does to me and that it makes me this horrible person who feels that I have to search the house and his emails. Whenever I tell him this, he just lowers his head and tells me he is so sorry over and over again. I think we both want to make this work, but I just don't know how or where to begin. I looked at the websites that another person gave me and it has been helpful. We even did the needs inventory, but I don't think he was that "into" it. He tells me "I will do anything to make this work." But then he gets irritated when i suggest things. I know this just takes time, but I feel that we aren't doing anything to move forward and I keep dwelling on the past. I want us to both move forward and I feel that I can forgive him, but when I get upset about anything, everything that has happened keeps flooding back and I feel it all over again. How can I stop doing that?
Bobbi
If he were sincere about doing "anything" to win your trust back, he wouldn't be behaving like this (defensive and procrastinating on actually DOING what he says he's going to). That's why you are feeling bad--because you know in your gut that he's not sincere.
Counseling all around is a must, IMO, if you are going to have a prayer of making this work. Individual for both of you plus couples. He needs to fit his actions to his words.
Have you posted on the Betrayed Spouse board (and read other posts there)? I think that would be very helpful for you.
Sheri
Thank you Sheri!
Yes I just posted this same thread there today. I know what you are saying is true. It is just so hard. I have been w/ him my whole adult life and I love him more than anything and I am terrified he really doesn't want to make this work or that he does, but won't. I think he does want to make it work, but I don't know that he actually will. He says he doesn't want me to be "obsessed" w/ reading his email, but any time I threaten to leave, he says he will do whatever it takes. I sometimes feel that I need to get away for a while just to figure my own feelings out. I am a stay at home mom and have no money except what he gives me. He is very generous and would probably give me some money to go stay w/ a friend for a while if I felt that I needed to do that, i just don't know. My heart is breaking and it breaks more and more every time I think about what has happened.
Bobbi
Hon, I hate to say this, but it might take you leaving to shock him into realizing you are serious.