Making boyfriend jealous, good or no?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Making boyfriend jealous, good or no?
8
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 3:04pm

Okay, making it short...dating over a year. It has been very difficult because he is still mourning marriage breakup/divorce. I love him very much. He is taking a long time to heal and still cannot make plans with me more than a month in the future. It has been a very, painful ordeal. I started losing my patience waiting for some commitment, some "you are special". Sometimes I am ready to give up. We have taken breaks. I dated a guy a couple times. BF knows about it, understands. The trouble is, this guy already is showing me attention that I don't get from BF and it is very difficult to resist it. I know it is stupid to get involved with someone now.

I am wondering if I should tell my bf about this. Will it only be painful for him? I know he can't really "heal" faster but maybe knowing that he could lose me to someone will make him realize how important I am, and help some. He seems so assured that I will always be there waiting for

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 3:47pm
I don't know if this will prod your bf into committing but I don't see how dating 2 guys at the same time, one that you supposedly love, is going to help. If you feel the need to be with someone else because he gives you what you can't get from the bf then I think it's time to end the relationship. In a sense you are both stringing each other along.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 3:51pm

Welcome to the board kbouquet25,


It doesn't sound like your bf is ready to be in a committed/serious relationship. Plus if you say this other guy is giving you things you can't get from your bf, than I think it is time to end the relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 3:59pm

You and your BF have different goals and priorities as it relates to life and relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 4:30pm
Spice, Why do you say we have different goals and priorities? We are in our forty's and of course we both eventually want to have someone permanent in our lives...and I am not cheating, bf did know. He just expects any dating to remain casual. I have said, and I know, it is crazy to date. Basically I am a very stable, emotionally healthy person, but
the thought of being alone scares the heck out of me, so it makes me stupid.
Yes, I do think if I weren't committing to my boyfriend and if I was very secure that he would wait for me and then realizing I mightloose him to someone else might just effect the relationship in a positive way. why not?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 5:22pm

Welcome to the board kbouquet25,


::Making boyfriend jealous, good or no?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 5:48pm

No, bf is not dating by choice. He is mixed up as it is. He has someone who loves him and will commit to him. I do not.

I think I know the right thing to do. Tell this very nice guy I dated that I am just not
ready to date again. Try very hard to be by myself for a while. Give bf more time to himself. In a month or two I can see how he is feeling. I can also decide that I want to
move on, maybe the date guy will still want to see me, or, continue waiting for my sweetie.

Okay this is the right thing. It is always so much easier to say then do. It is also hard to express how much you love someone and how good we are for each other in a post.
thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 6:21pm
If you try to play games you will lose. I think you should face the fact that you are dating someone who is emotionally unavailable to you, and find someone who is in a better position to give himself to you. A man mourning a past relationship is in NO position to make a commitment to someone else. I hope you'll do what's best for yourself rather than waiting around for him to get over his ex-wife. You're going to be waiting longer than you hope, and without the indication that he ever WILL be ready to make a real commitment. After a year of dating I think you deserve a lot more.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-20-2007 - 7:47pm

A year of dating is a long time. Of course healing goes on and on, but by now, he should be enough over things to be able to be there for you and move forward. If he is not, perhaps he is not yet ready for a relationship at all. Some people take years to come to themselves. Sometimes it requires help from a professional counselor to sort things out.


There is no reason at all that you should just hang around waiting and hoping indefinitely. You have every right and responsibility to yourself to set some kind of time frame by which things will move along. Relationships get into patterns and once they do, it's often hard for them to change. If you've met someone else you care for, who is giving you more, then perhaps you need to let your boyfriend know. It's understandable that you would want more and be drawn to someone who gives it.


It's not really fair for your boyfriend to take you for granted and expect you to just be there endlessly, no matter what. When we allow ourselves to be treated that way, the person often loses respect. Your job is not to heal him, but to make sure that you are in a relationship that is healthy, mutual and fulfilling for you.


Take good care and make healthy choices.


All good wishes,