Making the change to Just Friends - HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Making the change to Just Friends - HELP
4
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:22pm
I was best friends with a girl for 2 years before we started "seeing" each other. Over a 3 month peroid, we defined our relationship and agreed that we didn't want to date anyone else, but she had gotten out of a year and a half relationship a few months before WE started and didn't want to feel that we were "boyfriend and Girlfriend" till about 6 months into our ambiguous relationship. I was fine with that as, being her best friend already, I knew all the pain and trouble she was having with her previous boyfriend.

Skip forward in time - now we have been dating for almost 2 years. In February, we decided that we should break up since she said she didn't feel that she saw our relationship as "long term" - she loved me, but had trust issues she couldn't get over. We were Officialy over, but we didn't really act like it. We were still together all the time, called each other, slept together, made travel plans, said "we" a lot as far as future plans, etc. I saw this as a sign that maybe we could work it out. But over the last month and a half, she's been distancing herself, calling less (sometimes I wouldn't hear from her for 3 or 4 days, which she never did before), no kising or sex. I'm getting the idea. But last week, she said she was really emotional for a few days, and we talked and she stated that it's "really, really important" for her that we remain friends, even though she knows one day I will have a new girlfriend and it will hurt her a little - that she sees me as her friend for the rest of her life. She said that when a relationship is over, one person is usually more invested than the other, and I said that I understood what she was saying. I said that i felt the same way, but i felt that we were in the "ambiguous stage" still. She said she did too. But 2 days later (this Friday)I called her at 10 pm and asked her what she was doing that night and she said she was hanging out with Shawn. I don't know any Shawn, and I've been her best friend for 4 years! So i asked her if this is a situation where she didn't want me to call her for a while, and she said "no, but when that situation DOES come up, I hope you'll be cool with it". I said sure, she said she'd call me before the weekend is out and she hung up quickly. i could tell she was a little upset. But I haven't heard from her since. I guess i'll let her call me when she's ok. But I want to be friends, too, but I'm still having strong feelings for her. I know i need some time away from her, but i also think i need to talk to her face to face and let her know how i feel, and confirm that i want to be friends too - we were friends before we dated, and i think it will be OK afterwards. I just need some advice on how to handle this without messing this up or scaring her off, like her thinking that I will still be "waiting" for her. Because I won't. I'll move on, too. Any comments would be VERY appreciated. I lost my lover, i don't want to lose my Best Friend too.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:28pm
You need to wait until both of you are completely over each other, before you try to re-establish your friendship, and that takes a period of no contact. The test: she tells you that she and Shawn (or some other guy) are now an item, and you're nothing but happy for her. Until that's true, you're not ready to be friends yet.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 11:56am
That sounds like good advice, but it's been 5 days since the incident on Friday night, and I feel that I REALLY need to get things off my chest. Tell her that I will be OK with being friends - I'm just concerned that she thinks I still don't understand what she was trying to tell me. I think I need closure to really start to heal, and I don't know if I should wait till SHE takes the first step and calls ME, or if I should call HER and get this moving.... What do you think? And again, thanks for the input. It's unbeliveable how much ANY type of support at this time helps and means to me!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 1:23pm
I'd just send her an email letting her know that you're cool, but you're not going to be in touch with her for a while, until you've had some time to heal, that you'll get back in touch when you're ready to reconnect as friends, and that you hope she'll respect your request and not contact you in the meantime.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 6:56pm
Well, I took the initiative and called her yesterday and we talked briefly. She said she understands I need some time before we can move forward as friends, and that she's all for meeting up and talking about everything. As far as Friday night and Shawn are concerned, she says he's just a friend of a friend and that it wasn't a date - and she was angry at me that night because I just won't give her space and didn't seem to understand we aren't together, and that while she STILL isn't ready to date anyone, she wants to be able to feel comfortable with telling me when she is. So I plan to meet with her in a day or two and get everything off my chest so I can move on. It's reassuring to me that she realizes I need time and that I know she isn't upset at me. I'm not sure why. And I feel better about Friday night (of course I WANT to believe her, but also I know she has never lied to me in the 4 years that I've know her - she's one of the most honest people i have ever known). In fact she called me again today while she had some time driving to an appointment and was very understanding and told me how stressed she's been about us lately, too. Anyway, I appreciate everyones support and advice. I felt like I was slowly drownding and then so many people around me reached out to help me. If anyone has anymore advice, please let me know! Thanks again, and I'll update soon - maybe sooner if have any trouble!!