Making hard decisons and making mistakes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Making hard decisons and making mistakes
13
Sun, 09-16-2007 - 11:41am

Hi, I'm new, and am loving the advice found here! I'd like advice on my next move here...
BF and I are currently deciding whether to try to mend our relationship or move on...

I am divorced, 40, after a 10yr marriage that ended in ex having an affair. BF is 37, never married. We've lived together for 3 yrs. I work 60+ hours as a designer. He works about 15 as delivery driver. I am financially strapped, child support is always behind and BF contributes about 200 /mo.

We are both artists, he is enormously creative and smart and works constantly on his creations. I create when I have time between working and caring for my son and trying to keep up with house and bills.

Its pretty obvious (duh) that this arrangement isn't too fair, and I bring it up often. His art involves working with actresses, and I often have problems with jealousy (which spills over from my divorce.) I recently finally had it and blew up and said some things I shouldn't have. Told him I couldn't be his gf and have the young hotties around. Told him I've been miserable for the last 3 years and that he had to show more responsibility to being an equal partner. He started making moves to leave (packing).

When things calmed down we talked... if it's going to work, I need more financial responsibility / assistance. He wants me to explain what I meant about being miserable and accusing him of messing around. We're both hurt and the next conversations are going to make or break the deal, I think. What do you think??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 09-16-2007 - 12:06pm

Try to look at your boyfriend objectively. What about him do you think he would like to change for you? Anything? Think about his personality-things that can't change. Can you live with it? The thing is, you have to realize that you can't change him so decide what you can live with. If you can't, then you have to leave. You can't give him false threats about leaving and you can't tell him you don't trust him when he has given you no reason not to.


What about your child(ren) What are they learning from this relationship?


Have you considered couples counseling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Sun, 09-16-2007 - 2:16pm

Hi, thanks for your reply. I do think about my son, (10)---I want him to see that in a relationship there may be problems, but you want to try to resolve them. That's a great way to look at the situation, thanks.

BF and I talked about our flaws at the get-go, and financial problems were something he confessed to. Other than that, he's wonderful! At the time I was in honeymoon stage and thought I could live with it...however, it has become a problem now. Unfortunately I blew up about it...and now he says that has damaged our relationship. I will absolutely own up to this, but I also want him to own up to the other problem too...he says he'll work more hours just enough to give me my money...but no more. I feel like the whole issue is being dumped back in my lap and I'm being made out to be the bad guy. Am I looking at this the wrong way?

I agree, couples counseling might be good right now. I'll look into it tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 09-16-2007 - 2:50pm

Are you supporting him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Sun, 09-16-2007 - 7:54pm
That's what I'm trying to come to grasps with... am I being taken advantage of...?
Or am I focusing on the wrong things?
Money isn't everything, and I don't need money to be happy. Unfortunately I do need it to survive. He gives me emotional support...he helps with my child, and he cleans a little, takes the trash out, runs errands for me.
He'll pay me "rent", then borrow money back to buy gas or something. He has NO savings or emergency money. I think he's an incredible artist, but he's totally counting on that to be his "retirement" some day. I know lots of artists live in poverty...but they have only themselves to take care of. I suggested that he should have a plan B... he says he needs no plan B.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 3:16pm

"I suggested that he should have a plan B... he says he needs no plan B. "


Katarina, YOU are his Plan B.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 4:13pm

Money matters aside,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 4:48pm
Thanks geo and Bella, that's what I needed...some verification that I wasn't being unreasonable.
He has already arranged to work 5 days next week, and has asked me to tell him how much he needs to contribute. He's done this before, however...I'm going to set a specific amount of time to pass and see if he lives up to it..and if he doesn't, I won't make the mistake of waiting till I'm overly pissed and cause a huge ordeal.
THANK YOU!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 4:50pm
Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 7:09pm

Welcome to the board katarina07,


Have you two talked since you posted your story?


You can start working on your issues no matter how the relationship turns out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 4:49pm
I'll find that reading, thanks...and I'll keep my fingers crossed. Thanks everyone!

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