male friend problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
male friend problem
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 2:55pm
There's a male friend that I've known for 4 years now, when we first met, we had some romantic feelings towards each other, but since we lived in different cities, we decieded not to persued a romantic relationship. Over the course of 4 years we became very good pletonic friends. Last year, I moved to a near by city where he lives, we continue being friends, and are able to hang out more since we live so close by.

Late last year, he suddenly became sexually interested in me, the first time we had sex, he initiated it, I was in shock and didn't mind since I wasn't in a relationship and haven't had sex for a year or so. We became bed buddies for a few months. I became confused regarding our friendship, plus I am not getting any pleasure from his lack of experience. I had a discussion with him regarding our friendship and having sex; he claims that he does not have romantic feelings towards me, neither do I towards him. I then told him that if we both feel this way, then we should stop having sex, he agreed.

However, every time I visit him since our discussion, he's always kissing, fondling me, and tries to have sex with me, I ask him to stop each time, but he claims that he feels a sexual chemistry between us, which I disagree.

I started dating someone 4 months ago, and his behavior continues even after I informed him I am seeing someone. At one point I became angry with him and he apologized and promised to stop such behavior, which he did.

On his birthday last month, I went to his place to drop off his gift and chatted with him. He again tried to have sex with me, he claims that he is very turned on by my presence, just like he was the first time we had sex. I got very furious with him, and haven't had any contact with him since.

I am trying to understand why I continue allow him in my life after he clearly disrespects me and disregard my feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 3:04pm
I have to give you credit - at least you're asking a valid question.

Because if you were asking why does he continue to pursue sex when you've had it as bone buddies before and now you don't want to - that wouldn't be the question to be asking.

So, why do you continue to affiliate and associate with someone who doesn't respect and admire you as an individual?

Could be you like is attention and desire of you - despite not wanting to gratify him sexually - you like the attention and his desire for you.

Could be that you are self-destructive and refuse to accept that he does not admire and respect you as an individual based on your values and accomplishments - but that he sees you simply as an object and venue for sexual gratification and you believe if you just 'treat him nicely and refuse sex" long enough - he'll see how great you are in other than sexual ways.

Why you do it will really be revealed to you when you stop associating with him because you do not agree with his behavior.

At some point, you'll likely want or long for "his company" and when that moment occurs assess what itis you're really wanting from him...and you'll know immediately why you've continued this association.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 6:03pm
Well Erin,

My best friend had questioned why I still hang out with him also, I guess before this whole mess started he's been pretty nice to hang out with.

Now I think I am ready to go out and make other friends besides him, before, when I was the new kid in town, I only know him . . . so yeah, you are right, I just hang around him b/c he's the only person I know that lives close by.