The man and self esteem

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
The man and self esteem
6
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 9:24am
Sorry so long I really need help:(

Ok me and my man have been dating for 10 years. We are not ready for marriage yet bc we are still young and have no money. However, I am the one with the real job and I get paid more money then him so therefore, for the last year I have basically been paying for everything. Well in a druken stupor we got in a fight and he tried to tell me something and I laid into him like white on rice. I said everything I was feeling for a long time. The next day I called to appologize and he said he wasnt' mad. Everything I said was true, I didn't even exagerate the truth. He said that he needs a lifestyle change and he is not sure what to do. He said its not me and its him. He said he has thought about this a lot since the fight and he is not mad at me he just needs to do something about it. He is saying now that he will not go out anywhere with me if I have to put up any money. Well that just about narrows it down the sofa which is fine except he hates sitting at home watching tv more then one day a week with me. he is in school and working about 15-20 our a week at a local video store. he has about 30 free hours of time on his hands which he usually spends his extra time hanging out at the house so when I am free thats not really what he wants to do. I am a lost goose in this situation because I am a very routine person and I don't know what to do about this. I told him that if he feels this way that he needs to do something about it and I can't fix this problem. Any advice out there it would really be helpful.

Thanx

Lins

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:16am
I guess I forgot to tell what we fought about. It all started because he went out after work with all of our friends on Thursday. We had gone out on tuesday and my bar tab was $50.00 so I decided not to go out for the rest of the week bc we usually party on the weekends. So he goes out on thurs and spends money and I lost it. I was so pissed off that I could not stand it. On friday night while we were out, in a druken stupor he made me mad and I laid it all out. I told him that it was ridiculous that he went out when he has no money and I am spending approx. 300 every two weeks on us and that I can't afford it anymore and he needs to do something about this and I can't go on like this it is making me mad and worried all of the time and I am starting to get resentful. So I need to put a stop to it before it ruins our relationship. I am sure I said some other things but you get the gist of it. So with all of that said. Last night he went out to this bar that he drinks free at. (a really good friend of his is the bartender and doesn't charge him anything) So he calls me at 9:00 and tells me his is fixing to go home and ends up still at the bar at 11 bc he ran into friends he hasnt' seen in a long time. Bull thats not an excuse. However who am I to say he can't go out to a bar. My complaint last night is that he shuned me to hang out in a bar and that it wasn't right. We don't really do anything on our own so it wasn't that he was in a bar but that he could have called me and asked me if I wanted to go. Especially because this is the one place we could have gone that I wouldn't have to spend money. What do I do. Now he says that he will not go any place with me that requires me to spend money. And seeing as he doesn't have any money This leaves us the sofa as I said in the other post. What do I do in this situation. I am the type of person that has to fix problems, and I can't fix this. Any suggestions?

:( Lins
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:29am
The 1st thing i would have to ask is how long since you have been, lets say the breadwinner ?. A couple of things, 10 years together and you seem to think you cant get married because of money ?. The 1st issue at hand is that he is feeling guilty for not being able to contibute. He is in school so whats the short or long term results going to be when he is done >? No you can not fix whats wrong but together you can. Just a few words of when my wife and I were living together for 4 years, my father became very sick and I lost more than half my pay, taking time off to look after my father. This took a year and my wife, the wonderful woman she is, continued to work her 40 hours a week and we survived it. Not once has that ever been an issue with us, other than so many years later i still remind her of that time, when she asks me while i spoil her so much today . :) If you love the guy, he luvs u, then sit down and make commitment and a long term goal. Good Luck Wally
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 12:47pm
First of all, never wait until something becomes such a resentment that you cant control what comes out of your mouth and how. It bothers you, you need to explain WHY it bothers you, and be able to make them see what an issue it is. When you get angry, that ruins it and you end up aplogizing for what you said.

You shouldnt apologize for what you said, you should apologize at the way that you stated your complaints. Yep, that was wrong, but your reasons for the feelings that you had were valid.

I know that you dont like what it means, yet his getting productive is going to entail some things that arent going to be too fun. Thats part and parcel with his being more responsible, unfortunately.

I want to wonder something aloud, if I may? Its taken ten years and he still hasnt got the initiative to marry yet because of money? How old are you if I may ask? If you dont want to answer then you dont have to, but I do wonder if this might be that marriage has become more of a fantasy than a goal which could easily happen if you two started out very young and are now changing and maturing into two people who have more differences and less similarities. And maturity doesnt come always in late teens and early twenties, I myself didnt fully mature to a woman until I was 29 because I was raised so sheltered. My twenties were a period of abuse from my ex and that stilted me even more, though you would have thought it would have grown me up. It took my getting cervical cancer to do that, even though Id had children also. I sometimes dont recognize my past actions, but then Im not that same person anymore. Know what I mean?

It does sound a bit as if you are on a more mature level than he is, and marriage is still a goal of yours and not something to say, "later", you want later to someday arrive and want to get ready. He is still just doing the dreaming.

There is nothing wrong with one putting up more money than the other for marriage. That is fine, BUT OF COURSE you would resent your saving while he doesnt and spends his money on the now instead of the goal. Its not what money he CANT give, its what money he WONT give that has you angry and I think rightly so.

Unfortunately honey, its going to have to be something that can be done without money, though for a while if you want him to focus on the goal instead of dream. Sucks but true :)

Is there nothing that you can think to do? Plan a little picnic together? Walks? Go to some local parks? Etc? (Believe me, as a mother of 3 I know the thing of finding free things to do, lol) But if he realizes that its time to grow up, you MUST let him if you want the end result. Dont "just this once" until you know his patterns have changed or you will still resent this just as much, well, let me rephrase that, you will resent it more. You told him and he's still up to it.

You did the right thing, now the hard part is following through with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:07pm
Sounds to me that while it was unfortunate the way things happened (being drunk, speaking your mind) it was long overdue. What you are seeing is a difference in priorities. He's living in the moment, hanging with friends, drinking, having a good time, and when he decides to do something it's based on what's most fun for him. Not for the two of you as a couple, no regard to how much money it costs YOU. I say, let him have some time to figure himself out.

::My complaint last night is that he shuned me to hang out in a bar and that it wasn't right. We don't really do anything on our own so it wasn't that he was in a bar but that he could have called me and asked me if I wanted to go.

He's operating from an 'I' place instead of an 'us' place. He's doing what he wants in the moment, for HIS FUN.

::Especially because this is the one place we could have gone that I wouldn't have to spend money.

There are plenty of things to do - take a walk, go to the park, read a book together (get it from the Library if you have to), have a picnic, watch the sunset....

His priorities are different than yours. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:10pm
ok so that was comical... we should have just shared a post :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:24pm
Hi guys,

Thank you all for your replys but I need some more bc I need to know how to help or fix the situation. Let me fill you in a little

I am 24 years old and still in night school bc I messed up in college and didn't graduate on time. Same thing with him (25 years old). We have been together since high school and yes it is true we are what they call "highschool sweethearts" i am so in love with him it makes me smile even to be mad at him because he is always on my mind. From what I understand he feels the exact same way. And after ten years there is not much that we don't talk about so I know how he feels. A little background on him. He has worked for a living since he was 14. He went an a hour away to school and still worked there and had a good paying job. he droped out of school saved up alot of money and then went back to school w/ a part time job and lived with his mom. ( I live with my mom too). Over the summer he was hit with unexpected news that his mom was being tranfered to Houston, so now he has rent and bills to pay. I don't help him with any of that. I have my own bills and trust me they are high. So I have come to the conclusion that he is just having a hard time juggling all of these things at once plus school and thats just the breaks of life. I know he loves me with all of his heart and we will get married (and Iknow it will be right when it happens). He is a ridiculous hard worker but he waits for the job to fall in his lap and everyone knows that you will always be the last one on the pole if you live life that way..

Oh one more thing, money isn't the only reason why we are not getting married right now. I want to wait until some of my bills are paid off and we are both out of school (1 1/2 to 3 years depending) he talks about it all the time and I know that it will happen in the future. But I really don't think either one of us is ready for the future just yet we are still young. Oh yeah and I am sorry if I implied that he was going out all of the time with his friends, that has a lot to do with me, I am the partier I love to go out wiht my friends and I love to be with him so I don't want you to think that he is one of those people that goes out and leaves me at home a lot. If there is something to do we do it together. Ok so now what should I do. Should I call him and try to resolve this issue or do you think that maybe this is his own issue of straightening out his life. I want to help but I can't help if he doesn't know or isn't sure what needs to be done or how to go about it. help I am strugling to not call him. And I don't know if I should. I don't want to but I want to. What to do?

Lins