Is this man a moocher?

Avatar for cheyplace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Is this man a moocher?
11
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:00pm
I have been divorced for 15 yrs. and during this time I have worked very hard, and because of this I have managed to pay for my home and land. Recently a man that I have been dating for about a year, (although I have known him much longer) suggested that he move in with me. He says that he loves me. He makes three time the money that I do, rents,(he and his 25year old son live together and have for the past year). He pays most of his sons bills and provides a free place for him to live. His son was just recentely arrested for illegal drug posession, and is always in trouble. Anyway, his idear of an equal finicial living arrange is paying half of the bills, which are the basic utility bills and half of the monthly grocery bill. He wants to live cheapely so that he can pay off all of his creditors and save his money. He says that since my place is paid for half of the utility bills is a fair deal. Personally --I think he is trying to use me for his gain. Under these circumstances--what should a man's obligation be concerning living expenses? I really don't want to be greedy, but I don't want to be a fool either, like most women are these days. Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:28pm
Sounds to me like this is an *ideal* arrangement for him. What about you? He's extra money goes toward paying down his debt....what happens when the son gets out of jail? He comes live with you too? And does/doesn't pay? Any talk of marriage, a future, etc?

Think about this situation....

PS Rent is rent. Which includes maintenance. Just because your home is paid off, doesn't mean he can live rent-free. There will be things in the future - repairs, replacing things (new roof or stove), emergencies (water heater breaks) etc.


Edited 12/30/2003 12:31:52 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:38pm

I think the only thing that is "right" in this situation is what is comfortable for both of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:42pm
i would under no circumstances let this man and his kid live under my roof!

he's a 25 year old drug addict who gets arrested and has all his bills footed by daddy... how nice...

and on top of it, daddy is quibbling with his girlfriend about how much he should contribute and is trying to be stingy about it.

of course he wants to live cheaply... he wants to blind you with emotions so you aren't thinking clearly.

i hope you're not so desperate as to invite this trouble. no way would i allow these two to move in with me. your man wants to mooch off you and his son is a loser.

get a roommate if you want someone around... but this guy? run run run. his intentions aren't honorable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:44pm
Wow, good for you!!! What a wonderful accomplishment. I don’t know if I can offer any advice, but I can give you my two cents.

Consider that once he moves in - it is considered his "legal residence". Even with the house being in your name, in some states you cannot just throw someone out once they have established residency - just a thought. You busted butt and paid for your house etc. After only dating for one year- how comfortable are you with this?????

You first need to decide if you are ready for this step in your relationship. Big step - lots of changes. Is his son coming too?

I'm surprised that being in the financial situation that he is as far as his income, that he has not offered some kind of arrangement giving him a greater responsibility towards the bills - even doing that he would be paying less the his previous rent, utilities, groceries, etc.

I would think that since he is going to be living in your house, regardless if it is paid off or not, he should be willing to pay some sort of rent. Considering your relationship I'm sure that you would be willing to give him a "deal". Even without mortgage payments I’m sure that you will have repairs, taxes, maintenance, improvements etc. Living together means living together - not him getting to save money and pay off his credit cards while you’re paying for everything (minus his half of the utilities and grocery).

It SOUNDS like he is looking out for number 1, himself. You didn’t say how things are between you in your relationship etc. So, just from the information provided, it sounds like he knows a good deal when he sees it….sorry!

Like I stated, I have no personal knowledge in this situation, but these are just my thoughts. Hope I helped or gave you something to think about anyways!!! Good luck

Have a great new year,

PlayNICE

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 3:41pm
I don't have a lot of time to read the other responses, but I am quite sure they all tell you the same thing: RUN! A guy with a son with drug problems, who openly says he wants to move in with you to save repay his debts? Are you expected to take his son in as well? All this is really, really fishy, and you seem to be aware of it yourself. It is not greediness: it is protecting what you have worked so hard for. An 'equitable' financial arrangement would be to find out what a fair rent would be, and then either pay it and half the bill, or take care of all bills and grocery shopping (if they add up to a fair share of the rent). But regardless of this, I would stay away from this man. Tell him to try his luck with someone more gullible than you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 5:40pm
Oh, yes he is a moocher and much worse. You need to think this through and give him a "balance" sheet if he thinks that's all he should contribute to a live-in situation with you. So what if the house is paid off? You still have to pay property taxes, home maintenance costs, and home insurance. You are also subject to liability. If his son is part of the deal, how in the world is HALF the food and utility bills fair? At the very least, it's one third for you and two thirds for him. You would put yourself at serious legal risk for his son's drug use and criminal activity as well, and the cost of that could be your freedom. My advice to you is that you do not do this unless he can guarantee that his son lives elsewhere, that he pays you enough rent to offset his share of the taxes, maintenance and insurance as well as food and utilities. If he objects, then you'll know it's not you that he wants, but your other assets.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 6:10pm
"Personally --I think he is trying to use me for his gain."

You are absolutely right, and you have worked too hard on your own to have someone use you like this. He doesn't value the same things you do (working hard, buying your own things, being independent, etc.), and I would kick his butt to the curb if I were you. You deserve someone who will treat you better than this.

Avatar for cheyplace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 8:21pm
Thanks for all the great information, and advice. I did not want to face the fact that he was taking care of and thinking only of himself. I wanted to believe that he loved me as he said he did. I believe now--that after he paid off all his debts, he would then find an excuse to leave. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 1:08am
Well, I might consider this if he loves you and you love him as follows:

-Marraige & a pre-nuptual so he has NO RIGHTS to your house & other assets

-No druggie son moving in, never, ever

-He pays for everything according to a % split based on your incomes - if he earns $300 for every $100 you make, then he pays then he pays $3 for every $1 you pay

That is equitable and fair for a true partnership, otherwise he is asking you to foot a larger portion of the bills than he is, relatively speaking.

If he or you aren't committed enough for marraige, then you should probably be very careful about letting him move in as this a a huge commitment all in itself.

Plus, if he makes 3X as much as you, then his lack of homeownership and problematic credit card bills are a big red flag about his sense of responsibility and financial management considering neither of you are exactly teenagers. You obviously have a different set of values in this area based on your accomplishments.

What the other poster said about difficulty getting him out if things go south is true. You would have to evict him through the same time-consuming and costly process that any landlord has to go through to evict a tenant if he decides to make things difficult for you. Been there (with a renter). Ugh.

This seems like a very bold suggestion from him to you, especially after dating only a year. What is he bringing to the table for you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 8:29am
Well I don't think most women are fools but I do think you need to be careful about losing your house and land if his son is keeping drugs in your home. What is fair is up to the individual couple - if the arrangement doesn't seem fair to you you need to negotiate a new arrangement. I would be very concerned that he makes that much more than you and is in such deep debt - why did you let him move in in the first place - to help him out financially and now you are tired of it?

This is why I don't think it's a great idea to live together without being married, but that's just me.

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