Is this man a moocher?
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Is this man a moocher?
| Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:00pm |
I have been divorced for 15 yrs. and during this time I have worked very hard, and because of this I have managed to pay for my home and land. Recently a man that I have been dating for about a year, (although I have known him much longer) suggested that he move in with me. He says that he loves me. He makes three time the money that I do, rents,(he and his 25year old son live together and have for the past year). He pays most of his sons bills and provides a free place for him to live. His son was just recentely arrested for illegal drug posession, and is always in trouble. Anyway, his idear of an equal finicial living arrange is paying half of the bills, which are the basic utility bills and half of the monthly grocery bill. He wants to live cheapely so that he can pay off all of his creditors and save his money. He says that since my place is paid for half of the utility bills is a fair deal. Personally --I think he is trying to use me for his gain. Under these circumstances--what should a man's obligation be concerning living expenses? I really don't want to be greedy, but I don't want to be a fool either, like most women are these days. Thanks

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Think about this situation....
PS Rent is rent. Which includes maintenance. Just because your home is paid off, doesn't mean he can live rent-free. There will be things in the future - repairs, replacing things (new roof or stove), emergencies (water heater breaks) etc.
Edited 12/30/2003 12:31:52 PM ET by itwinflame
Carrie
I think the only thing that is "right" in this situation is what is comfortable for both of you.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
he's a 25 year old drug addict who gets arrested and has all his bills footed by daddy... how nice...
and on top of it, daddy is quibbling with his girlfriend about how much he should contribute and is trying to be stingy about it.
of course he wants to live cheaply... he wants to blind you with emotions so you aren't thinking clearly.
i hope you're not so desperate as to invite this trouble. no way would i allow these two to move in with me. your man wants to mooch off you and his son is a loser.
get a roommate if you want someone around... but this guy? run run run. his intentions aren't honorable.
Consider that once he moves in - it is considered his "legal residence". Even with the house being in your name, in some states you cannot just throw someone out once they have established residency - just a thought. You busted butt and paid for your house etc. After only dating for one year- how comfortable are you with this?????
You first need to decide if you are ready for this step in your relationship. Big step - lots of changes. Is his son coming too?
I'm surprised that being in the financial situation that he is as far as his income, that he has not offered some kind of arrangement giving him a greater responsibility towards the bills - even doing that he would be paying less the his previous rent, utilities, groceries, etc.
I would think that since he is going to be living in your house, regardless if it is paid off or not, he should be willing to pay some sort of rent. Considering your relationship I'm sure that you would be willing to give him a "deal". Even without mortgage payments I’m sure that you will have repairs, taxes, maintenance, improvements etc. Living together means living together - not him getting to save money and pay off his credit cards while you’re paying for everything (minus his half of the utilities and grocery).
It SOUNDS like he is looking out for number 1, himself. You didn’t say how things are between you in your relationship etc. So, just from the information provided, it sounds like he knows a good deal when he sees it….sorry!
Like I stated, I have no personal knowledge in this situation, but these are just my thoughts. Hope I helped or gave you something to think about anyways!!! Good luck
Have a great new year,
PlayNICE
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.
You are absolutely right, and you have worked too hard on your own to have someone use you like this. He doesn't value the same things you do (working hard, buying your own things, being independent, etc.), and I would kick his butt to the curb if I were you. You deserve someone who will treat you better than this.
-Marraige & a pre-nuptual so he has NO RIGHTS to your house & other assets
-No druggie son moving in, never, ever
-He pays for everything according to a % split based on your incomes - if he earns $300 for every $100 you make, then he pays then he pays $3 for every $1 you pay
That is equitable and fair for a true partnership, otherwise he is asking you to foot a larger portion of the bills than he is, relatively speaking.
If he or you aren't committed enough for marraige, then you should probably be very careful about letting him move in as this a a huge commitment all in itself.
Plus, if he makes 3X as much as you, then his lack of homeownership and problematic credit card bills are a big red flag about his sense of responsibility and financial management considering neither of you are exactly teenagers. You obviously have a different set of values in this area based on your accomplishments.
What the other poster said about difficulty getting him out if things go south is true. You would have to evict him through the same time-consuming and costly process that any landlord has to go through to evict a tenant if he decides to make things difficult for you. Been there (with a renter). Ugh.
This seems like a very bold suggestion from him to you, especially after dating only a year. What is he bringing to the table for you?
This is why I don't think it's a great idea to live together without being married, but that's just me.
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