Man says he is tryed of my drama - help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Man says he is tryed of my drama - help!
7
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 12:48pm
I'm new to this board and I really need help figuring this out. I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years now with a man whom I work with. This relationship ended my marriage (my choice) I guess you could say I had an exit affair. I have 2 wonderful kids. I have been having so much trouble in this relationship. I am a manipulator and I used my husband alot to manipulate this person. He once confided in me that his biggest threat was for me to go back to my h. I used that to my advantage. This person is somewhat odd. I mean he is emotionally detached somewhat. I know what your thinking the nerve of me to manipulate a person like this. I know trust me. Everything backfired. He is very calm and I love to start drama and argue. I guess it's my way of getting him to open up to me. About 3 weeks ago I left him a message telling him I had feelings for my h. He has completely closed down since then. I don't know if that bothered him or not, but he hasn't replied to my messages nor to my pleas. I have even cryed to him and nothing. My intentions were to get him to open up all along. I love this person so much. But his cold ways get to me sometimes.

We have had so many fun times. When were together sparks fly. S*x is awesome the best we have both had. I spoke to him recently and he said he needed a break from everything. He said he would finally email me sometime today. I am dieing! As I am a pessimist at least half the time. He has always told me he loved me. He has not once told me that he is confused of his love for me, but he told me he is tired of all the drama that I have caused and he will email me with the truth. He says truth because it is extremely difficult for him to open up to me. I wished I never used my h to manipulate him. I once even told him I was going back to my h for the kids and he was devasted, to say the least. Truth is that he doesn't know how to communicate with me about serious issues. If it were up to him we would never mention the word emotion or talk about them. I used to ask him, so how do we know our relationship is working if we don't sit down and talk about it? He used to say, you'll know if we don't want to kill each other. Sounds funny, but he told me this. I know I cause drama and I am feeling guitly about it. I asked him if it was over and he said 4ever and I said in general and he said he didn't know. Could this really be true that he needs a break? I need some feedback.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:28pm
I don't really know what to say, other than that you have played a bunch of games and now this man isn't sure he wants to be in a relationship with a game player. I can't say that I blame him. He has openned up to you in the past and you have used his emotions to manipulate and hurt him. Only a fool would continue to make himself vulnerable to your attacks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:36pm
He needs a permanent break where he runs like mad away from you. No man wants the burden of manipulation, control, drama and lies just so you can get what you want. Most men want an equality-based and mutually-beneficial relationship. What you are doing provides none of this. None of your actions promote the safe place needed by a man to open up.

You may wish to consider some counselling before you consider another relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:50pm
Do you really think so? A perm break? What about love? Does that not mean anything anymore? I know I have issues trust me, but I didn't manipulate him intentionally. He acts as if he has no feelings sometimes. I really don't want to loose him. OMG what have I done. I messed up big time didn't I? How can I patch it up. Your a man can you give me your advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 4:32pm
What do you know about love? You talk about the great sex and the great times, but not once have you mentioned any sacrifices you have made in this relationship. The man is being honest with you, something you may not recognize. He said he is tired of your games and drama. Have you tried being honest with him starting with a sincere apology and a promise to change (and examples of how you intend to do that since he would be a fool to believe your open promises)? Or are you just continuing your manipulative ways, and coming to this board for new ideas? Think about it. You are beyond selfish to the point of sick and if you love this man at all you will let him go in peace to find a real relationship. Your excuse is "I didn't manipulate him intentionally". That is even more dangerous because you are saying you have no control over your own actions.
Avatar for psychick2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 5:03pm
Hello there,

I ususally lurk on the boards, but do come out of lurkmode from time to time when my schedule permits. I wanted to offer you some advice, because it certainly appears that you could use it. If this appears harsh, please bare in mind that I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm trying to offer you some non sugar coated advice in an attempt to help you open up your eyes at what you've been doing.

Your relationship started out on shaky grounds to begin with. Maybe you think that you didn't intentionally manipulate your bf, yet I'm not so sure. In your first message, you, yourself, stated that when your bf confided his fears that you may leave him to go back to your ex-husband, you used this knowledge to your advantage, as a manipulation to force him into opening up to you. That admission seems to enforce the thought that you did intentionally manipulate him, but have justified your actions by rationalizing the manipulation. "He's not talking to me like I want him to, so I'm going to force him into doing this by using his fear against him". Maybe not in so much words, but in the end, this is exactly what you've done, and from your own admission, it has been occuring basically as long as the relationship has been in existance.

Hon, you mentioned that your bf doesn't seem to know how to communicate, yet if what you've described in your messages is accurate, I don't think you know how to communicate your emotions without the use of controlling manipulations. What has been happening to you, since you've been in this relationship is a lesson for you to learn. When you play manipulative games, to control another person, they will become upset and resentful of your actions. I understand that you are hurting, maybe it would be beneficial for YOU to seek out a therapist, so that you can start looking inward at yourself, and so that you can understand why it is that you are sabotaging this relationship. Maybe a therapist can help you understand why it is that you feel you need to manipulate someone, and they can help you learn to communicate to anyone else in your life without using manipulation to control the other person. If you were to just talk to him, openly and honestly, rather than using game playing, what might come from it? Sure, it would put you in a vulnerable place, yet any healthy relationship is based on mutual trust, mutual honesty, mutual respect, mutual benefits, and maybe seeing a counselor can help you to learn to put aside your own fears, so that you can learn to be assertive and honest in your relationships.

Instead of looking at your bf as the source of your problem, (...he won't open up to me, so I'm gonna manipulate him to make him do it.) start looking inward at yourself, what is it that you are doing or saying that might be causing your bf to not open up to you. Maybe if you learn to stop the emotional manipulations, and learn to speak honestly, and from the heart, and he sees by your continued examples, he will feel safe to open up to you.

I don't know if this will help since there has been a long history of dishonesty, manipulations, and game playing in this relationship, but learning to not use controlling, manipulation tactics and learning to use healthy communication skills may help you in your next relationship.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 7:51pm
Yes - you messed up big time. Learn from your mistakes. Get some help to work on your issues so that you don't mess up the next relationship too. The fact that you didn't manipulate him intentionally makes you that much more dangerous because you don't have control over your behavior.

Of course he acts like he doesn't have any emotions. He's been burned by you too many times.

As for love - love is important and definitely means something, but love is not enough to hold a disfunctional relationship together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:15pm
"So how do we know our relationship is working if we don't sit down and talk about it?" That statement doesn't make any sense to me. Since when do you have to talk about it in order to know if it's working? You know it's working when you get along with each other on a daily basis, when you are able to work out disagreements without hurting each other, when you each try to please the other, and when you are generally happy with each other. What's to talk about when you have that? You know it's NOT working when one or both of you create chaos, and threaten the other with the withdrawal of love, and play on the other's fears of abandonment to try and get him to show the emotions of sorrow and pain.

How very cruel. If he comes back to you, I really hope you never ever do that to him again, and don't say you didn't mean to because you did do it intentionally. I wish I could tell you how to repair this damage you've caused, but I can't think of one thing except perhaps getting down on your knees and begging his forgiveness with a promise to get therapy immediately. Even then, I wouldn't blame him if he refused to come back, but at least you'll have started to work on yourself (through counseling) in order to become a better person.

Perhaps in time you'll be fortunate enough to find the love of a good man again knowing that treating him lovingly instead of maliciously will get you all you need. You need to accept that people are different in how they express themselves. A person with a placid personality is not flawed because he is somewhat reticent - it's just how he is. But a personality that feeds on drama and pain is very flawed. I know you're feeling guilty and upset and this is not meant to increase your remorse, but if you don't take responsibility (like saying you didn't do it intentionally), you can't correct your problems and you will repeat the same kinds of mistakes endlessly. Perhaps this was the wake-up call you desperately needed to get.