a man's word

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2007
a man's word
8
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 2:36pm
What is one supposed to do when you have asked your spouse not to do something, several times, both nicely and not so nicely, and he continues to do it anyway? Each time he does this, it is breaking down trust and I feel his word doesn't mean anything so why bother even talking about things. Is this about respect or lack of to me or is he just so selfish it doesn't matter what he says, if he wants to do it, he just does it? I have made this a big issue in the past because if you give someone your word and it doesn't mean anything, where do you go from there?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
In reply to: lexdoma
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 2:56pm

hi,

i think you answered you own question when you said "his word doesn't mean anything so why bother even talking about things. Is this about respect or lack of to me or is he just so selfish it doesn't matter what he says, if he wants to do it, he just does it"

so now you know... now can you continue to be in a relationship w/no trust or respect?

ravishing

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: lexdoma
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 2:57pm

Welcome to the board lexdoma,


Would you husband be willing to go to counseling with you. Is this an issue that one of you could compromise on? Clearly you don't want him to do something, but he still wants to do it.


Could you give us more information?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
In reply to: lexdoma
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 2:58pm

You should never give your word on anything unless it is your intention to keep it. I couldn't say whether his not keeping his word is a direct slight to you or just his inability to show up in the way you want him to. It absolutely breaks down trust when someone doesn't honor their word to you. So he's either untrustworthy or there is a communication breakdown somewhere.

Is it everything you ask of him or specific things?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2007
In reply to: lexdoma
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 3:31pm
I have asked him not to surf porn on my computer. I know he watches porn and he is totally open about it but everytime he touches my computer, it does things I can't fix. I am not very computer literate but I own a business and use my computer for everything. My last computer had so many viruses, programs loaded, etc from him that I finally bought my own laptop and asked him please not to ever surf porn or load things on it. He didn't for about 6 months then about a month ago, I went to the internet and all my favorites were gone. I asked him if he knew anything about it and he told me " Oh yeah, I loaded Mozilla, because it has less viruses" I was immediately pissed because I had made it quite clear he wasn't to do this. Now my computer keeps randomly closing down when I am in the middle of something, it is slower, and whether it was something he did or not, I blame him. I got over it, uninstalled it and was okay until 3 days ago I went to my favorites again and realized he has made his own log in and under his favorites his history pops up and all kinds of porn and sex searches appeared. I don't like to see it and what he does in his own time on his own computer, I choose to turn a cheek to, but when it is on my computer and in my face, I get mad. He came home and asked what was wrong and I told him what I saw. At first, he told me "that was a long time ago" but when I told him "Last week?" he said "Oh". I told him Never on my computer again for anything and since he chose to do what he did, he chose to put up with me being a bitch until I figure out what to do. I am at a loss because we have so much going on right now it is the least of my worries but when I have asked nicely and also made a huge deal of it, and he says he won't but does it anyway, where do you go with it? It is not a deal breaker but I lose respect for him because his word doesn't mean much to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
In reply to: lexdoma
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 4:00pm

Wow - there's no excuse for that one. The fact that he can't respect your personal property because he needs to get his porn fix indicates huge issues. That is really a no brainer. I would never knowingly risk a virus on someone else's computer.

Look up porn addiction - he's not respecting your wishes, he's lying, he's violating your personal property to access it and he appears to not be able to resist looking at it.

It should be a deal breaker - he repeatedly violates your boundaries, breaks his word, lies to you and damages your property. Without trust - you have NOTHING! If that's not a deal breaker I don't know what is. And what kind of relationship do you have when the respect is gone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: lexdoma
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 4:05pm
If he has his own computer on which he can look at porn, I simply don't see why he has to look at it on your computer. That is disrespectful. There is no excuse for him doing it. I guess you could password protect your computer so he can't get onto it without knowing your password, but you shouldn't have to do that. It sounds like he has an addiction.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
In reply to: lexdoma
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 4:36pm

I'm a guy who actually likes internet porn occasionally, but your guy is WRONG on this one. I am very serious about the computers that I use for work, and would NEVER do anything risky like that on those computers.

You aren't making a big deal out of nothing. It doesn't matter whether you approve of porn or not. You are exactly right in that he's not showing respect.

Your original question was about what to do. The real issues are trust and respect. He's not taking your needs seriously and it could encroach on other areas of the relationship. He needs to know that you are serious. I would have a conversation stating that the relationship is in jeopardy because of his lack of respect for your reasonable wishes and his demonstration that you can't trust his word.

Your demand that he not look at porn on YOUR laptop is very reasonable. I wouldn't bother arguing about whether looking at porn is generally okay; don't let him sidetrack you.

You might consider activating the password on the laptop as it boots up. Your laptop almost certainly has a password option before it loads windows. If I were in your shoes, he would have lost the privilege to use my laptop.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2007
In reply to: lexdoma
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 7:09pm
Thank you for your input. I have just kind of pushed this to the back burner but I know if I don't deal with it it will eat me up inside. We were in counseling but never addressed these issues, we were there with the whole family. We just had a baby last August and at the same time his 2 children moved in with us. They are 17 and 11 and their mother remarried a man after knowing him for 3 weeks and it was not any environment for them to be in. So I went from 0 kids to 3 kids in a week! I am a bit overwhelmed as the stepmother role is so undefined but after a year we seem to be doing really well. The kids are handling their loss remarkably well and we all get along great! Now if my husband would just grow up!!