Marijuana

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Marijuana
4
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 3:20pm
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year (we've known each other for almost 2 years). To make a long story short he likes to smoke marijuana because of his problems with stress and I have always had a very "zero tolerence" attitude towards any type of illegal drugs. I've tried telling him to do it when I'm not around but then I smell it on him and get upset and he's tried stopping for me if I promise to work on other things he has problems with but he feels now like we're both blackmailing each other. Is there any way that we can compromise on something like this? Unfortunately I think that either one of us has to change their opinion on it completely (me accept it or him quit completely) or else we're going to end up getting divorced.

Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alstrin
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 3:32pm
Where would the compromise be...actually, here's the real problem.

You've already compromised and he hasn't...and so you're going to have to continue to do it.

Basically - you don't "do drugs" - not just you don't do them yourself - you don't agree with them as a means of coping with life rather than dealing successfully with situations. Okay, taht's your belief....but, you really didn't stick to it.

You said, "as long as you don't make ME smoke marijuana to cope with life, you go right ahead because I want to be with you anyway." You did that when dating - knowing what you knew.

From the beginning, his belief was that it is just fine to cope with life and avoid negativity by getting high on pot....and he NEVER compromised that belief, and he's not going to do it.

So bsically, he does "do drugs' so that when things get stressful or negative that is his "coping mechanism"...he finds that when he's high things aren't as serious, or that someone else fixes his problems so when he comes down off the high - he no longer "has a problem".

So, you've already compromised your values and beliefs by being with him. You just wanted to believe that if you weren't doing it - it wouldn't impact you. But now you're married...and of course, now you have legal liabilitiy, and financial responsiblitiy for one another - and you're finding out that what he does "because" he smokes pot is NOT what you want to be impacted by or tolerate.

So NOW that you've got what you wanted when you compromised your belief about drugs...you want him to adopt your position about drug use...and that' sunrealistic on your part, and it won't happen on his.

Just accept that he's going to do it. His values justify it, situations enable it, his rationalizations excuse it. Thre is positively NOTHING you can do to change the fact that "by his thiking, it is just fine to cope with life and get high, rather than deal with the negative situations in life and come out successfully."

Accept it...you can like it, or hate it...just accept it because denial gets you nothing but more misery.

I oughta know - Addict 17 years....recovery 7.5

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
In reply to: alstrin
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 3:50pm


I agree with what Erin said, that there's really no compromise here.

The only possible compromise would be that he agrees not to smoke around you or at home, but you guys have tried that and you smell it on him and get mad anyway. I'm not blaming you for that, I'd get mad too.

The difference between you and me, though, is that I would never marry a guy who did drugs, and you married him knowing that he's a drug user and knowing that you don't condone drug use. Maybe you made the mistake a lot of newlyweds make and thought you could change him or that he would change once he was married.

Well, now you know it doesn't work that way.

So, you are left with a choice: either find a way to deal with the fact that your husband is a drug user and, possibly, an addict or leave the marriage.

If you do decide to stay, that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat, though. You can still set limits and not allow him to smoke around you, in your car, in your house or in your yard. You are aware, I hope, that if he leaves marijuana in your car and you get pulled over and searched, you're going to jail, right?

You are aware that if a neighbor sees him smoking in your backyard and calls the cops, he's going to jail and possibly you with him?

So, if you do decide to stay with him, enforce some limits for your own safety.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alstrin
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 4:37pm
The way the jail things works....if you're with him and he's got it on him -you're giong to get booked, finger printed, strip searched, jumpsuited, jailed, charged, tried and then fined/imprisoned and have a record.

If he's on his own and gets pulled over and jailed...you then get to bail him out, deal iwth the legal procedings, have it affect his professional options, and all the negativity that surround it, including the public awareness that you're married to a dope smoker.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: alstrin
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 4:25pm
Thanks for your feedback. I tried to make a long story short so I didn't include all the details in my first post. When we started dating he told me that he had been smoking pot, first for medicinal purposes (he has Crohn's disease) and then he just started doing it every day. He was looking for a reason to stop every day so when he found out that I didn't like drugs, he quit. He had an attack about 6 months into our relationship and even though I didn't like it, I'd rather him smoke than take all the pain medication that the doctors were prescribing him. He knew back then that was the only reason I'd want him to smoke. Now somewhere along the way he started wanting to do it to help with his stress and I found out about it.