Marriage-3's a crowd!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Marriage-3's a crowd!
7
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:06pm
I'm 20 and I've been married for a year and 2 months. My husband is 28 and I think he has a problem, or maybe I have a problem with something he does. I don't really know how to put this, when I put it into words it sounds worse than it is, or sometimes no big deal. Here I go. For a while now he's been talking to women online. When I talk to him about it he tries to justify it by saying that it's not as if he's sleeping with someone, and it's not something that's affecting our marriage, but maybe I'm just so self conscious that it does affect it. They are always overweight, not very attractive women that are single mothers. From what I've seen they just talk (no sexual talk), but they call each other sweetie. Am I wrong to be bothered? When I confront him it always turns comes out that I'm the one that should be sorry.

Also I found out today that he e-mailed his ex-girlfriend Monday. I read the e-mails and all they said were "Hello how have you been" and "I'm married now". This is an ex that he slept with a month after we got together. I forgave him, but he promised not talk even talk to her again, and now this. I know he isn't sleeping around, and it's just talk, but it almost makes me insane! lol. Help!

Lindsay

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:09pm
::and it's not something that's affecting our marriage

He is so full of it!!!! He will say or do anything to continue with his inappropriate behavior because he likes it, wants it, loves her attention, getting to know her, flirting with her - whatever. He's treading on fragile ground if he thinks this is ok. Would it be ok if the roles were reversed? He's sharing things - personal, intimate details with another woman, that's called an emotional affair. Not the actions of a man in a committed, monogamous relations.

Reading material:

Infidelity reaches beyond having sex:

Emotional intimacy, virtual affairs take hold in workplace

By Karen S. Peterson

USA TODAY

Cybersex and so-called virtual affairs on the Internet are all the buzz among professionals who study spouses who stray.

But the truly fertile ground for dangerous emotional attachments outside marriages is much more conventional: the workplace. As more employees labor longer hours together, close friendships increasingly are taken for granted. And as more women move into professions once dominated by men, there are greater temptations for both sexes.

There is a new ''crisis of infidelity'' breeding in the workplace, says Baltimore psychologist and marital researcher Shirley Glass. Often it does not involve sexual thrill seekers, but ''good people,'' peers who are in good marriages.

''The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,'' Glass says.

Glass' 25 years of research on ''extramarital attachments'' adds to a growing understanding of just what constitutes infidelity and why it happens.

She believes affairs do not have to include sex. ''In the new infidelity, affairs do not have to be sexual. Sometimes the greatest betrayals happen without touching. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.''

This revised concept of an affair is embraced by increasing numbers of Glass' colleagues. People are ''incredibly devastated by their partner's emotional affair,'' says Peggy Vaughan, who has researched infidelity for 20 years. ''They separate over it, divorce over it, this breaking of a trust, a bond.'' The third edition of Vaughan's The Monogamy Myth will be released this month.

A platonic friendship, such as those that grow at work, edges into an emotional affair when three elements are present, Glass says:

* Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their ''inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a co-worker.''

* Secrecy and deception. ''They neglect to say, 'We meet every morning for coffee.' Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage.''

* Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.

Glass sums up her research and that of others in Not ''Just Friends'': Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (Free Press, $24), now arriving in bookstores.

''This is the essence of the new crisis of infidelity: friendships, work relationships and Internet liaisons have become the latest threat to marriages,'' Glass says.

Affairs that take place in chat rooms on the Internet are classic examples of emotional infidelity.

How many have affairs, either emotional or sexual, is difficult to gauge. After reviewing 25 studies, Glass believes 25% of wives and 44% of husbands have had extramarital intercourse.

About two-thirds of the 350 couples she has treated include one or both partners who have had some type of intense affair, sexual or emotional. The most threatening to marriages combine both, she says. Sixty-two percent of the unfaithful men and 46% of the women met their illicit partner through work.

Researchers identify many factors contributing to infidelity. Proximity at the office is key for Glass. ''My research and the research of others point to opportunity as a primary factor. . . . Attractions are a fact of life when men and women work side by side.''

Many other risk factors may be in play. They include:

* Family patterns. Unfaithful parents tend to produce sons who betray their wives and daughters who either accept affairs as normal or are unfaithful themselves, Glass says.

* Biochemical cravings. Changes in brain chemicals during an affair can create a ''high that becomes almost addictive,'' says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy.

Bonnie Eaker-Weil, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, says the biological need for connection can result from ''severe stress, loss or separation'' that often can be traced back to childhood.

* Internet temptations. Increasing numbers of cyber-affairs are breaking up stable marriages, says psychologist Kimberly Young, author of Tangled in the Web: Understanding Cybersex From Fantasy to Addiction. She cites the anonymity and convenience of the Internet, as well as the escape it provides from the stresses of everyday life.

* Increasing premarital sex. The more premarital sexual activity, the greater the chance of an extramarital affair, Glass says. ''Because girls are more sexually active at younger ages than they used to be, married women are not nearly as inhibited about crossing the line.''

* Child-centered marriages. Parents with dual careers and limited time ''often collude to give what time they have to the children. Their bond is built on co-parenting, and they don't make time for themselves,'' Glass says. Stereotypically, the husband finds somebody at work to share his adult interests.

Some affairs happen, Glass says, ''because people have certain beliefs they think will protect them. They believe if they love their spouse and have a good marriage, they don't have to worry. They don't exert the caution that might be necessary or create the boundaries to make their marriages safe.''

Basically monogamous partners drawn to interesting colleagues at work find themselves in ''great internal conflict.'' Her best advice: ''The more attractive we find somebody, the more careful we have to be.''

How to keep temptation at arm's length

There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage. But couples who want to protect their unions from infidelity can be mindful of the dangers. To keep a marriage healthy:

* Stay honest with your partner. ''Honesty is the trump card for preventing affairs,'' says Peggy Vaughan, who has studied affairs for more than two decades. Her Web site is dearpeggy.com. ''Make a commitment to sharing your attractions and temptations.'' That helps to avoid acting on them. Dishonesty and deception cause affairs to flourish, Vaughan says.

* Monitor your marriage. ''Realize if there is something missing,'' says psychologist Kimberly Young of St. Bonaventure University in southwest New York state. ''Be willing to try to fix it.'' Assess whether needs are being met.

* Stay alert for temptations. ''Be very careful of getting involved in the first place,'' Young says. ''Know the dangers. You can be drawn to an affair as to a drug. And once you are past a certain point of emotional connection, it is very hard to go into reverse.''

* Don't flirt. ''That is how affairs start,'' says Bonnie Eaker Weil, whose Web site, www.makeupdontbreakup .com, features tips for preventing infidelity. ''Flirting is not part of an innocent friendship. If you think there might be a problem with someone you flirt with, there probably is a problem.''

* Recognize that work can be a danger zone. ''Don't lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time,'' psychologist Shirley Glass says.

* Beware of the lure of the Internet. ''Emotional affairs develop quickly, in maybe a few days or weeks online, where it might take a year at the office,'' Young says. ''There is safety behind the computer screen.''

* Keep old flames from reigniting. ''If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with one,'' Glass says. Invite your partner along.

* Value the intimacy of your marriage. ''Reveal as much of yourself to one another as possible,'' Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman says. ''You will find it less necessary to form an intimate friendship with someone else.''

* Make sure your social network supports marriage. ''Surround yourself with happily married friends who don't believe in fooling around,'' Glass says.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:12pm
lynmusic...

If Pianoguy walked in your shoes, he would be "more concerned" about the EX-BEDMATE, then the corpulent mamas. Either way...it's clear your husband is looking for someone to communicate with or relate to!

There's definitely some insecurity on your side...but without a profile, it's tough to figure out where this is?

Not to pick on you...but is there a trait or two of yours that is driving him away? A 14 month marriage doesn't seem like adequate time for a husband to start 'searching for a new soulmate!'

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:24pm
I'm concerned with both. He's having "emotional affairs" with these online women and there is a possibility he could have a sexual one with the ex. I'm worried about both. I know you aren't picking on me, and for a year now I've been wondering what it is about me that makes him need something/someone else. I've never lied to him, never cheated, always make myself availible to listen, he has friends that are girls, he goes out with the boys, I give him alone time...if he asks, or if I think he might need it. I've asked the people around us things too. I don't nag about stuff...there's nothing to nag about, and the only time we fight is when I discover one of these girls. Then he thinks I'm crazily blowing things out of proportion, when in fact all I say is "Have you been talking to..." "Why do you feel you need to do this" So I'm sure there are a million annoying things about me, but I don't see any that would drive him away. And I don't think he's looking for a "soul mate". I think he talks to them because he's in control, he lies to them about most things, and he sends them a mean e-mail out of the blue to break it off. This isn't right. Anyway, his parents split up because of extramarital affairs, he was sexually abused as a child, he's been with his share of girls, a few one night stands, and he was a bachelor until he was 27. I think he's used to being in control and doing what he wants.

Does that paint a clearer picture?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:36pm
I read both your posts. You and your husband have a lot of issues. He cheated on you and still flirts with other women which is emotional cheating in my book and it DOES affect the marriage if it affects you. You think he may be bi-polar and he is not willing to work on the issues in the marriage as a team but thinks everything is your fault.

You know he will not change as he told you this.

How long are you willing to put up like this? You are being treated like dirt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:40pm
lynmusic...

Thanks for sharing more about your background. It helps Pianoguy to understand your situation a little better.

This is just a guess, but if your husband's parents were both having extra-marital affairs and subsequently "broke up"---your husband may be under the impression that this is the way ALL MARRIAGES are supposed to be? This might account for all the lying he's doing 'on-line' with these women?

Pianoguy suggests you ask him outright: "WHAT IS IT THAT I'M DOING THAT'S SO ANNOYING THAT YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE WITH OTHER WOMEN?" Explain the fact that the more he does this---the more concern you have about your marriage. You might catch him on the defensive (He'll blame you for everything or call you paranoid)....OR....perhaps his answers will be lies? Then again..some of them might be valid?

If the man is constantly blaming you for his insecure behavior, the two of you should consider some form of counselling! The way your marriage is (at present) isn't going to continue indefinitely. Best of luck....

Pianoguy


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:52pm
I know, that's what my other post was about...how he doesn't want to go. I think he's scared of it. Anyway, after a year of stuff like this I don't beat around the bush. I ask him outright what's going on. Also, I do say "What is it about me that makes you need to talk to other girls" He says it's not about me, it's about him. Which is probably true, but we are married...what he does affects us. Blah. I don't know anything anymore. After our last fight he did stop talking to girls, but then after a month of being good about it he e-mailed his ex. It just seems like if it's not one thing it's another.

Sometimes I do think he thinks that's how marriage just is, but we are living with my parents right now while our house is being built and I thought it would be good for him to see how a functioning marriage works. Sure my parents fight, but they are blissfully in love. They kiss in public, dance in the kitchen, hold hands, and my dads motto is "I'm lucky to have a boss like her." They have incredible mutual respect. Now I know what you might be thinking "Maybe lindsay thinks her marriage sucks because she thought it would be like her parents." Well I never expected it to be all sunshine and roses, I knew it would be tough, I know my parents are lucky to have that kind of love...I just didn't think that it would be THIS hard you know? Anyway...lol sorry for the venting

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 7:44pm
He may not be cheating, but he is disrespecting you and your marriage.