Marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2010
Marriage
8
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 10:44pm

I have met the love of my life. We have been together for almost five years. We are so good for each other. The problem is that he says that he doesn't want to get married. I was previously married before, and ended up divorcing, but have always said that if I were to find the right person (which I believe this person is), that I would want to marry again. How would you handle this? My SO's reason for not wanting to marry is that we would have to pay higher taxes, but yet every now and then, he will bring up "If we were ever to get married." I am somewhat distraught and confused. Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: simpletin
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 11:00pm

I've always heard that married people filing jointly actually got more tax breaks than single people, but I could be wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2010
In reply to: simpletin
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 11:37pm

My SO doesn't seem to think so. Maybe there are other hang-ups that he has? He does talk about getting married one of these days. Which complicates the issue because he takes the stance that he doesn't want to get married. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2010
In reply to: simpletin
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 11:37pm

My SO doesn't seem to think so. Maybe there are other hang-ups that he has? He does talk about getting married one of these days. Which complicates the issue because he takes the stance that he doesn't want to get married. 

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
In reply to: simpletin
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 12:49am

My dd & her SO have been together 4 years.  She loves him and they have a child together, but at this point she has no desire to marry him.  She doesn't want to be responsible for his debt,  his child care payments, or supporting his parents.  She has more assets than he has, and in the event of her untimely death, she wants those to go to her daughter, not him, his family or his other children.  She claims her dd as her dependent (since he gets to claim one of his previous children), & files as head of household, since she owns the condo they live in.  The ONLY reason she would consider marrying him would be if at some point, he got a job that provided a substantial pension.

If your bf makes more money than you, and has substantial assets, he may NOT want to share that with you.  You should think carefully about where your future is going, and if you are not able to provide for YOURSELF, then you should get OUT of the relationship, and find someone who will support you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: simpletin
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 1:44am

Whether or not a couple gets married shouldn't be decided on whether or not there will be tax breaks!!!  When two people are meant to be married, they'll pay whatever taxes they have to pay!  You want to get married, he says no.  Then he throws in the "teaser"........"IF we were ever to get married"......and that IF means nothing.  I believe the current tax laws DO give a married couple a break.......but again, if he wanted to marry you, he'd pay whatever he had to pay for the privilege.  Would you REALLY want to marry someone who was willing to marry you to save money on taxes??  I don't believe his reticence has anything to do with taxes, he's just not interested in getting married.  If you want to get married, I think you should look elsewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
In reply to: simpletin
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 9:40am

Do your friends and relatives agree that he is a great partner to you? Just want to make sure that love isn't blinding reality and that you're overlooking his faults, if they're major. If he is kind, respectful and treats you as a priority, then I congratulate you, since it's hard to find a good man these days. What you have to do is weigh the pros and cons of staying with him versus dumping him and trying to find a marriage minded partner. Could you find happiness with having him as a lifetime partner instead of a husband, or is marriage so important to you that you can't fathom being happy with a marriage certificate? If he brings up "if we get married," tell him bluntly that that comment is very hurtful to you. You don't want that possibility dangled in front of your face when he has previously said he doesn't want to get married. If he brings up the tax issue, tell him that money isn't everything, and in fact taxpayers filing jointly get more money back and it's beneficial when one partners medical benefit plan is better than the others, and it saves money to have a family medical plan versus two people paying separately. Tell him to stop using money as a reason and tell the truth--that marriage is scary to him or unimportant. 

If you are a passive person who is easy going and you don't stick up for yourself, you need to start. Don't let anybody get away with passive-agressive behavior. Speak up for yourself and make sure your needs are getting met and that your voice is being heard. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2014
In reply to: simpletin
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 7:16am

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Sun, 04-06-2014 - 3:02am

 Not necessarily and he has a complicated financials.  I can see not getting married.  if both are working and especially since she is having all her money go to her daughter(won't happen if married  the spouse get a share)(public policy) Both have children from former marriages so being verry careful is wise.  Since each state has different rules it is impossible to see where that planning woud go. However both need to be aware of tax laws. as if they would  have a fatal occurance the IRS would use the anticipation of death clause to claw out more money.

chaika