Marriage and Getting Sober

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Marriage and Getting Sober
7
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 11:08pm

I am recently married, also recently sober.
I am scared because sobriety is difficult. I am not able to provide the emotional stability I once did.
My husband is extremely busy with work, which often leads to very little time together.
I am currently not working. I am very grateful that I can focus on my sobriety.
However when my husband gets home, it is all about him.
Whatever he wants to do, he does.
He's not concerned with what I want, or need. Because I had all day to do what I wanted, while he was at the office working for us.
In the past, I would stuff my anger and loneliness with alcohol. Now the alcohol is gone, and I'm tired of the neglect I feel from my husband. Of course he does not like the change in me.
I have suggested couples counseling, but he will not commit.

I just feel hopeless.

Does anyone have any experience with this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 11:23am
Can I ask - not to judge, but because it's important - why you chose to get married without having spent some time being sober and building back your self-esteem, ability to support yourself emotionally, etc?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 11:49am
I was in denial, scared, lacked the courage to actually admit to myself that I was an alcoholic.
Maybe subconsciously fearing if I did get sober, the relationship would suffer. So, I waited until we got married to face my problems. The relationship is suffering.
Wow....now that is a mind of an alcoholic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 12:44pm

It seems you've just listed a lot of very legitimate reasons NOT to get married before establishing sobriety. You are fighting some serious odds.

Do you have an alcohol abuse counselor you're working with? Have you considered marriage counseling? I think it's going to take a professional third party to get you through this with your marriage intact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 1:49pm
Thank you.
Are you an addict yourself?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 2:01pm
No but I have known some... My grandmother was addicted to alcohol (the only reason she stopped drinking is because she is now in a nursing home). It's a very tough thing on not only the addict but their family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 4:33pm

First, a big congratulations on your sobriety!

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 6:38pm

Just being married and just becoming sober are both huge steps in your life...and patience is required in both cases. When you give up alcohol many feelings will emerge that the alochol once covered up. You need to truly learn how to handle these feelings. You may experience a lot of loneliness and anger that has been built up from the past. Do not project this all on your husband or think he can make up for all you have felt before. It's helpful to work with a counsellor or therapist to sort out what you are feeling and get a handle on it. It's also a good idea to work on your marriage directly. Discuss your feelings, but do not "blame" him, and punish him by refusing to be emotionally available. Again, it sounds to me as though it's a very good idea here to get professional counsellors involved, so that you and your husband can acquire tools and skills needed to create a mutual, satisfying and fair relationship and so that the two of you can learn how to communicate in a responsible way.


Best wishes,