Marriage Counseling 101

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Marriage Counseling 101
15
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:18pm
In an attempt to make a very long story short, I left my husband Thursday night. I cmae back Friday, after he agreed to go to marriage counseling. The counselor called today to set up appointments and asked if we wanetd to meet togetehr first, or seperately first. I answered the phone. I told him seperately first. First of all, I doubt Roegr and I are even on the same page as to where and why we need help. Second of all, I would be afraid to say a thing in front of him.

My source of anxiety is that I expect the counselor to at least ask me what is going on, and I don't even know where to start. AND right now MY frame of mine is "He this and he that" which isn't going to help anything. I would think I need to think of it in terms of I, or we at least.

Can anyone help me figure out how to best express myself without passing all the blame on?

Like -- why I left. (disregarding the 20 million things leading up to it) He was mad at me becasue I said I needed time alone. He threw a fit about how he was the last person to find out when I said that after I had the baby (10 months old, I have bipolar disorder which had not yet been diagnosed and wanted to run away with the baby, so I called the doctor) He is all pissed off becasue then (10m ago) he was the "last to know" like I went around telling everyone. This aggravates me becasue I wasn't sleeping at all, not your normal sleep deprivation, no sleep, was crying hysterically 3/4 of the day, and yet he felt I didn't TELL him something was wrong. Then our daughter decides to act her age. After arguing like a 6yo with our 6yo (as opposed to being an adult) he picked her up and threw her on the ground bruising her tailbone. He ranted and raved and screamed about how if I want to f*****g leave, leave and don't bother coming back. He then storms off to the car. I would like to interject that THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I DIDN'T TELL HIM HOW I FELT THE FIRST TIME. Because I am afraid he will act like a lunatic and hurt me or one of the children. Whcih he did. So, I packed up for the night, left him a note, and took the children to a hotel. He pulled up as I was leaving teh driveway and told me to come in and talk. I said no, we can talk tomorrow when you are calm. Not only is he still seething, but now he is also drinking. So he storms off into the house yelling about how I think he is a F*****g loser.

We talked later that night and I agreed to come back Friday if he would go to counseling. He told me not to call the VA cause they'll "jump on it" (like they give a crud about our marriage, I don't think so). And he refuses to call his PCP there. (He'll "think about it".)

But around here he just wants to act like it never happened. And me, I want to act like it is WWIII. He gave up just being nice and today started trying to kiss me and make advances. I don't even care. I don't see what I ever saw in him. I feel suffocated by him.

But I have to own up to MY part in this. So please, soem nice anonymous person out there who has no interest in me, help me look at it in a way that will at least be conducive to therapy.

<p>Tracy<br>
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:49pm
Hi Txmom, hugs to you in family in this situation. You have a lot of things to get together for your counseling visit. I would say start in this order because it takes a lot of visits to work out a life time of problems.

1) If your Dr. said you had a bipolar disorder I would get a second opinion and then make sure I was on the best medication available.

2) I would divide the issues with your husband into psycological and physical issues.

Mental

Blames me for everything

Yells at me

Physical

Throws daughter down

Slams all the doors

3) Try to identify how the marriage evolved from love to problems.

Best wishes hope this helps (I know it is hard)


Edited 7/5/2004 10:50 pm ET ET by txguy2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 11:03pm
Wow - I am not sure I'm competent enough to give you advice, but I'm concerned about you and your children.

I believe when people get physical, it's downhill. It's a real, real problem, and I feel like you'd be better to stay away from him, live somewhere else, until after you see the therapist, and some progress is made.

Your therapist will probably want to know 1) how you feel and 2) what's caused you to feel that way. You might want to say "I feel suffocated, I feel threatened, etc..." This way you're not pointing blame at him - just stating facts. Don't worry about doing it right - your therapist will be there to guide you :)

And, please trust your inner voice, your feelings. If you feel you or your children are at all in danger, please leave. Trust yourself - better safe than sorry.

Good luck,

Elmira

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 12:07am
Dear TX:

I am worried about you and your children as well. This is a particularly bad situation for your 6 year old. It could be emotionally damaging. I would not stay for one single minute with man who would throw a small child for any reason. All children have the right to live in a calm and peaceful environment. Maybe part of the reason you feel bad is because of the situation. Your counselor will be able to help you figure that out. Please just do what is best for you and your children. You all deserve it.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 9:08am

hi there! i think that you are already giants steps ahead of the game. you do understand that even in the worst marriages - there are 'two sides' to each situation, and you are not going thru the "he this" and "he that" but rather you are looking for constructive soluttions. (it took me a long time to get to that point, that's why i am pointing this out).


i also agree with the other posters that once physical violence started - its just going to get worse and worse. so you definately need help NOW. in this case, where you would be too intimidated to talk in front of your stbx - even in a safe place, i.e., with the therapist there - then it would make more sense for YOU to go on your own at first, until YOU can be stronger and more focuses, and less prone to be sucked into those violent cycles.


if you are bipolar - then you need to get help for that as well - medications and therapy. not because your husband thinks you should - but because YOU need it for YOU.


and since there are child/ren

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 11:16am
You realize that the problem is that likely you both have unrealistic expectations about what marriage is, and will bring, offer you, and require of you...and what this restructure is going to require in some part is that you become more complete, successful, secure, happy, independent people (while remaining together ifthat is your mutual choice) so that you stop relying on each other approval/acceptance/affirmation/validation/security/identity/options.

What might help in counseling is to separate your feelings from the thoughts and the facts (3 separate issues). Because feelings are NOT thoughts, beliefs, facts, goals, calls to action or used to determine what to do in situations. Feelings are a result of situations nd your perception of self/situation. So feelings are always changing...but beliefs, thoughts, opinions, goals, standards - those things are NOT in a constant state of flux if you're a complete person. And those can berelied on to be guidelines to determine if this other person is "conducting themselves in ways that you do, that you believe to be correct, right, moral, and of value - and ifthey're not - it's not your option to change them, it's your self-responsible requirement to disassociate."


If I can help, let me know.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 12:12pm

First of all, please understand that after childbirth it is fairly common to have a strong postpartum depression. It sounds as though this is what happened with you.


Secondly, when things between two people begin to escalate, they can easily go out of control, on both sides. You can certainly find many reasons to be frightened, angry, vindictive, etc. So can he. This will get you both nowhere. At least he is willing to go for therapy. This is a very good beginning. It would probably be a very good idea for you to see someone of your own as well. Both of you seeing the same person for therapy right now, might not make the most sense. You each need your own person to work your own issues through. This way you will feel safer in therapy, and not as if you are going to be judged or attacked by him, (or by the therapist).


Make a list of all the wonderful things the two of you shared and the good things that happen daily. In this way you will begin to broaden your focus and not dwell only upon the negativity, which is what is causing you to be filled with only blame. The two of you need to work out rules and boundaries together - (a marriage counsellor can help with this). You need help with your communication so that when trouble arises, you both will be able to handle it in a more mature manner. Beyond marriage counselling, as I said, you both need individual therapists to work out your own issues as well. There is never any room or place in a relationship for abuse of any kind. If he is physically abusive again, it is not a good idea to live in the same place. Abuse escalates, therefore it is essential to work out the reasons and feelings behind it right away.


Both of you have gone through painful and upsetting behaviors and episodes. Forgive yourself and forgive him as well. This means, take a deep breath and realize that it is human to get upset and confused. As I said, the fact that he is willing to go for therapy speaks well of him and his desire to get help here.


I recommend you read my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love. It has many wonderful exercises, as well as information about how to handle emotions, problems and obstacles in a positive, loving way.


Take good care of yourself. Get a positive support system in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:59am
Thank you for taking the time to answer me, all of you.

I am getting treatment and therapy for the bipolar disorder. Despite "this" I feel better than I have in years. I don't know that 6 yeras ago I would have up and left. whether that is good or bad I don't know. I didn't think us both seeing the psychiatrist I am seeing would achieve anything out of worry Roger would percieve her as being "my" doctor (and hence, perhaps, as being on "my" side).

The violence in our household has consistently elevated since September. In Speetemebr he punched a hole in the wall, that remains unrepaired. Last week he injured Courtney two times in 3 days. I didn't see what happened Tuesday, but she was hysterical and her mouth was bleeding. Her description involved him grabbing her face, which I am not sure how that would lead to blood. Then Thursday he threw her, which I was right there to witness. So, I know Thursday I was already in a heightened state. And it doesn't help that I feel like I have pretty much emotionally "checked out". I am here, cleaning, watching the kids, cooking dinner, but I feel absolutely no emotion toward him at all. I knwo it is cruel, but if he died tomorrow my only concern would be for how Courtney would handle it.

He followed through and went to his appt yesterday. Mine is today in a few hours. I realize I am not handling him much like a mature adult. I am full of resentment and fear, whcih is unhealthy for me, not to mention our marriage. I am grateful that he is willing to go to counseling, and willing to follow through. I do wish I had insited on it in September.

Thank you, again.

<p>Tracy<br>
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:22am
Thank you so much for your answer, and so quickly. I actually did read it Tuesday night. I just haven't replied to anything until now.

I am being treated for the bipolar disorder, although I haven't come to acceptance of it yet. BUT I take my medictaion nightly and see my doctor, who assures me the medictaion shouldn't help if it wasn't Bipolar and that my histroy is consistent with bipoplar. Despite what is going on at home, I feel better than I have in many years.

I don't even know how we got here. Some of it has to do with my tolerance level. Behaviors that I ignored 9 years ago just annoy the heck out of me now. A lot of it has to do with me being unwilling to continue to live like this. A repercussion of leaving Thursday night is that now I know I can do it. The children survived, I survived, and he agreed to counseling. I would like to believe that if he hadn't I would have been strong enough to stay gone.

<p>Tracy<br>
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:30am
I am glad what I said was of benifit to you. We all have the right to be treated properly and with respect. As you can see from the other postings there are a lot of people that care about you in your situation.

Best wishes to you and your family

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:38am
Elmira --

Thanks for the speedy answer. I did read it Tuesday night, just haven't realy sat down to reply until now.

I do feel like we are safe enough here. Especially with us getting help. He is still trying to make nice. Now it is me, I'm just not even receptive to it. Basically, he is like a house guest to me right now. If I stayed away I don't know that I would ever come back. I'm too ashamed to even tell anyone what happened. I am at least better prepared now. I have an emergency bag in our trunk. I took everything I needed for the children, but failed to take everything I needed. Now I have what we need for a couple days in with the spare tire. (If he sees it in the trunk it will just make him sulk and seethe).

I don't want to place blame on him. I know my shutdown is immature too. And I know I probably should have never been willing to ignore his outbursts. I did because they were far between, because he is sorry, because it was my fault, because I was angry too. Now I feel if I hadn't ignored it the first time his temper scared me we wouldn't be here. And here isn't "that bad". Thousands of women have it millions of times worse.

<p>Tracy<br>
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