Marriage Counseling 101
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| Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:18pm |
My source of anxiety is that I expect the counselor to at least ask me what is going on, and I don't even know where to start. AND right now MY frame of mine is "He this and he that" which isn't going to help anything. I would think I need to think of it in terms of I, or we at least.
Can anyone help me figure out how to best express myself without passing all the blame on?
Like -- why I left. (disregarding the 20 million things leading up to it) He was mad at me becasue I said I needed time alone. He threw a fit about how he was the last person to find out when I said that after I had the baby (10 months old, I have bipolar disorder which had not yet been diagnosed and wanted to run away with the baby, so I called the doctor) He is all pissed off becasue then (10m ago) he was the "last to know" like I went around telling everyone. This aggravates me becasue I wasn't sleeping at all, not your normal sleep deprivation, no sleep, was crying hysterically 3/4 of the day, and yet he felt I didn't TELL him something was wrong. Then our daughter decides to act her age. After arguing like a 6yo with our 6yo (as opposed to being an adult) he picked her up and threw her on the ground bruising her tailbone. He ranted and raved and screamed about how if I want to f*****g leave, leave and don't bother coming back. He then storms off to the car. I would like to interject that THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I DIDN'T TELL HIM HOW I FELT THE FIRST TIME. Because I am afraid he will act like a lunatic and hurt me or one of the children. Whcih he did. So, I packed up for the night, left him a note, and took the children to a hotel. He pulled up as I was leaving teh driveway and told me to come in and talk. I said no, we can talk tomorrow when you are calm. Not only is he still seething, but now he is also drinking. So he storms off into the house yelling about how I think he is a F*****g loser.
We talked later that night and I agreed to come back Friday if he would go to counseling. He told me not to call the VA cause they'll "jump on it" (like they give a crud about our marriage, I don't think so). And he refuses to call his PCP there. (He'll "think about it".)
But around here he just wants to act like it never happened. And me, I want to act like it is WWIII. He gave up just being nice and today started trying to kiss me and make advances. I don't even care. I don't see what I ever saw in him. I feel suffocated by him.
But I have to own up to MY part in this. So please, soem nice anonymous person out there who has no interest in me, help me look at it in a way that will at least be conducive to therapy.

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By doing nothing you are essentially telling Courtney that this is how husbands treat their wives and children. You are telling her that you believe she deserves this treatment. You are telling her that she can't rely on you to protect her. Is that the message you want to give her? I *know* it's not.
Please call 1-800-799-SAFE - RIGHT NOW. Tell them what goes on in your house. They will help you find resources in your area so you will know what your rights are. They can help you find counseling for you and your daughter. (make no mistake, she will need it) If you have no where to go they will help you find somewhere you can take your children, where they will be safe.
Talk to your family and friends about what is going on (if he has not already managed to isolate you from your support system, a typical abuser tactic) *You* are afraid of him and you are an adult. What do you think your babies are living through?
This is not 'regular marital issues'. This is not 'communication breakdown'. This is not 'anger management' issues. It has nothing to do with your hormones! You are in danger and your child has already been injured - TWICE IN THE LAST WEEK. Isn't that enough for you to want to run and protect your helpless little loved ones?
I know, he probably tells you that you blow everything out of proportion or he tries to put the blame on you for his behaviour. It's not you - This is HIS problem. It does not matter what you do or say, or what your children do or say, there is NEVER, EVER justification for someone to lay his hands on you and especially on a defenseless 6 year old girl.
You have been conditioned, by him, to believe that this is not as bad as it seems to you. Listen to that quiet voice way deep inside. The one that KNOWS this is wrong. What would you do if your neighbour or some other child's parent did the things to Courtney that Roger has? You'd call the cops or, at the very least, you'd make darn sure that person never got near your children again. Why are you giving Roger the opportunity to *repeatedly* assault Courtney, and possibly the baby too?
No matter which way you look at it - HE HAS A SERIOUS PROBLEM. IT'S LIFE THREATENING but, not his life. Your and your children’s' lives are at stake here. When he threw your daughter, she could just as easily have landed differently and broken her neck! What will happen when he throws the baby? Or even just shakes her? Think about it and RUN!!!!..........TODAY!!!!
If you do not believe me that you and your children are being victimized by an abuser, there is a relationships board here at ivillage called 'Recognizing and dealing with domestic abuse'. There are check lists there that you can go through and I know you will see your husband profiled in those lists. Read the info on the home page. Read the other people's posts. You will read about your husband. Post your situation and they will tell you the God’s honest truth. Everyone on that board has been or still is a victim in an abusive relationship, me included.
Before I got out of my abusive marriage, I was diagnosed with the same thing you were. I was taking medication too. Certainly, I was depressed too but, who would not be, living like I was (and you are). After we separated I saw a counselor that was trained in the cycle and dynamics of an abusive relationship, I got off the meds I was on and started dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which was the real problem all along. DO NOT go to couples counseling with Roger. He will use what you confide as ammunition to further manipulate and control your thinking and view of yourself and what you are worth. Please make sure the therapist you are seeing is trained in domestic abuse.
I am not trying to be over dramatic. In fact, I wonder if I’ve been clear enough about the danger you *all* are in. The escalation you’ve described is very typical of abusers and is very scary. Because of you seeking counseling he may feel his control is being threatened or he may feel his deeds will be exposed and this is very, very scary.
Please, please do not wait another day to get your babies to safety. You are their ONLY protector and their lives, physically, mentally and emotionally depend on the choice you make, right now.
Keep looking up^, Susan.
I've spent the morning waxing and waning about how to say it, what to say, what not to say. So that may be the best advice yet. Just go. Then worry about it. I called my doctor the night this all happened, and she, of course, wasprimarily concerned for our safety, which made me feel defensive of Roger. I never felt like he would REALLY hurt us. He was mean. It was uncalled for. But people have hurt their children worse by spanking them. The thing is, we agreed NEVER to use corporal punishment, that it sent children the wrong message. Yet, what he does is worse than a spanking becasue he does it in anger and meanness (is that a word?). He has done so much emotional damage to us with his anger. We walk around the house with "don't make daddy mad" over our heads. Courtney asked if she should explain to him about how if you are mean to a dog all the time it will get scared of you. That maybe he didn't know that. It was right then that I decided I wasn't going back if he wouldn't go to counseling.
I can't even defend my own actions. If it wasn't that big a deal why did I leave? If it was why did I come back?
<p>Tracy<br>
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OK, after reading that twice I finally got it. If I am with someone who is not conducting themselves wth what I feel to be value, moral, or corect standards it is my responsibility to disassociate because I don't have the option of changing them. I get it. But I guess I am still at a place where I am hoping we are both willing to do some changing.
Thank you for the suggestion of seperating my feelings from the facts, etc. I knwo I have teh right to feel any way I want to (or don't wnat to!) but I do think it will be more constructive if I can give explanations for what it is I am thinking leading to thsoe feelings.
Thank you so much.
<p>Tracy<br>
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I'm am in tears over this post. Would you please find time to read the more recent posts and respond again? Her children are being abused.
C
I am just sick over this. This woman needs to protect her children first and take care of herself. I cannot add anything to what you said. All I can do is pray that she finds the courage to protect her children. They are helpless babies and do not deserve to be hurt. Can you imagine how frightening this is for them?
C
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