Marriage freak out! Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
Marriage freak out! Advice?
8
Thu, 11-15-2007 - 5:11pm

My BF and I have talked about marriage. Generally, he talks about getting married and I listen, occasionally nodding my head and giving him the occasional "That sounds good" or "MmmHmm". Recently, I have been thinking a lot about getting married. He did put the idea in my head after all. I told him that I thought we should get married and I thought we should get married soon (for various reasons... and no, I'm not pregnant... lol). He simply said "Okay". I was excited... I have this wonderful man who loves me and I get to marry him... who wouldn't be excited. But ever since the initial discussion, he hasn't really wanted to talk about it much. When I ask him when he wants to get married, he avoids giving me a direct answer... and when I try to talk about it, he just brushes it off and, again, avoids any real conversations.


How can I get him to talk about this? I've been open and honest with him about my feelings relating to marriage, so I think I deserve the same thing. If he doesn't want to get married or isn't ready to get married, then that is fine. Of course I want to get married, but we don't HAVE to be married to be happy together. It's just a piece of paper. And if he does want to get married, it's not like I'm expecting (nor do I want) a huge wedding/reception.


At this point, I'm starting to get a little angry with him. Not only does he avoid talking about it directly, he has been and currently is sending me very mixed signals. He talks about getting married all the time. He has even shown me his ex-GF's engagement ring (they have been broken up for about 8 years now) and asked me what I thought about it... if it was nice... did I like it... etc. He tells me what kind of wedding he wants and he asks me all the time if I want to be his wife (specifically saying "Do you want to be Mrs. Gilbert?") and if I want to be with him for the rest of my life and tells me that he wants me to be the mother of his children, etc. Why all the mixed signals? Either he wants to get married or he doesn't!


Honestly, if I thought he didn't want to get married, I never would have brought it up... but he kept sending me these signals that said, loud and clear, "I want to get married!". Like I said... if we don't get married, it's not big deal. Is it too much to ask for him to clarify his feelings? And how should I go about asking him about marriage without sounding demanding or angry or pushy or anything else that might freak him out (which it seems to me he is already doing)?

-JEN MyHotComments
-JEN MyHotComments
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 11-15-2007 - 5:38pm

Welcome to the board Jen,


Sit down with him and tell him that you noticed since you started mentioning marriage that he has stopped talking about it llike he used to. Ask him what is going on. Tell him that you didn't mean to scare him or whatever and that you would be happy with him even if you didn't get married but that you truely thought he was open to the idea because he talked about it often and that you are confused now.


Talk to him soon before this start really affecting your relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 11-15-2007 - 9:47pm

Welcome to the board jlc0206,


Sounds like you got a push me - pull me thing going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 11-16-2007 - 8:37am
How long have you been together? What makes you think that you, he, and your relationship are ready for marriage?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 11-16-2007 - 11:31am

Do you think your two sons have anything to do with it? Is he o.k. helping to raise them?


Why not ask him about all of the mixed signals?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
Fri, 11-16-2007 - 12:00pm

Oh my... the kids have NOTHING to do with it. I even joke around with him that the only reason he keeps me around is because he loves the kids. He has always wanted kids, and my youngest knows him as his father, which is odd because no one ever told him that... he just started calling him dad. He LOVES the boys.


Anyway... I talked to him and told him that I didn't care if he wanted to get married or not, I just wanted to know where he stood. I also told him that I didn't think it was fair that he expected me to open up to him if he doesn't do the same. He said that he wants to get married but I kind of threw him off a little because he didn't think I was ready to get married. So, long story short, we talked about it and we are getting married. We are planning on next month, but not sure if it will be before or after x-mas. I guess he was just shocked that I wanted to get married, which I can understand since I never really talked about it and when I did, I probably was misleading.

-JEN MyHotComments
-JEN MyHotComments
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 11-16-2007 - 1:32pm
Congrats Jen. I am glad everything worked out between the two of you. Please feel free to hang out on the board and post anytime.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 11-16-2007 - 1:54pm
Wow... Next MONTH! Congratulations :)
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-16-2007 - 4:02pm

These mixed signals are a result of conflict or ambivalence your boyfriend has. Or else, he's teasing you. Whatever his deeper reason, the result is not healthy or respectful to you. Either he does or doesn't want to be married. You've got to decide the same question yourself. You say it's only a piece of paper, but in the same email you say that you wanted to get married quickly. So, perhaps you have some conflict about this yourself.


The first step is to get really clear on what "you" want in a relationship. Do you want to be married or not? If you truly do, then you have to get clear on his real intention. If he doesn't want this, (and actions speak louder than words at all times), then he may not be the one for you. If you truly don't care about getting married, then let him know that. When he starts in about being married, tell him to cut it out. That you do not want to marry him.