marriage going-what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
marriage going-what to do
4
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 3:02pm
I have been married for two years. I can't say it has been perfect, no marriage is. but I can say that I love him and I feel that he loves me too. For about a month now my husband has been staying out late. Sometimes not coming home. Talking on his cell alnight. So much that his bill is extremely high. We have gone to cousuling once and he claims that he isn't cheating. That he doesn't know why he does the things he does. I am emotionaly drained. We have a daughter together and she is only 5. She addores her father. I have tried to explain to her that we may not be together. That breaks her heart and mine. He tells me that he wants to work things out, but if it doesn't work-it doesn't work. I have bent over backwards to try to make things work and I don't know how much longer I can handle this. My mind tells me to let go, but my heart tells me to keep loving him. The thing is My Husband needs me. I own two business. He works for me. Nothing is in his name and I really think that is why he won't leave. I hope that I am wrong but i see it no other way. what do I do? try more or let go....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 5:02pm

I am not judging you at all, but the first issue I want to get out of the way before I continue is:


Why are you telling your 5 yr old little girl that you and daddy "may" or "may not" be together BEFORE you decide on where this marraige is going or BEFORE you and your husband have put more effort other than a few talks and one trip to a counselor?? Why would you instill that kind of fear in her mind before anything happens? What if you and DH work things out and the marraige gets better... your daughter will then grow and constantly be in fear of mommy and daddy maybe or maybe NOT being together anymore. You tell your little girl something like that and then complain about how horrible she feels??? Well off course she feels horrible! PPPPLLLEEEEEEEASE do not involve a 5 yr old in your marraige before YOU, yourself even knows whats going on. You are setting herself up for some serious emotional and psychological damage and that is no one's fault but your own for giving her this pre-leading information. She is not your therapist or counselor to sulk on.


Okay- as for the marraige.


You say you love eachother and this has only been going on for a month... and you have a 5 year old daughter?


I dont think either of you have put enough effort into solving this issue if there is one. Sometimes husbands or wives go through small phases of boredom, depression, mid-life, quarter-life, etc etc... its only been a month! you said youve only spoken to him about this a handful of times, but after ONE month you're already telling your daugher that daddy may not be around anymore?


characteristics, mindsets, and behavior like being so quick to throw in the towel and say you're going to leave -think about it- may be part of the root problem here.


i think you need to ask DH deeper questions like "what upsets you so much at home that makes you want to stay away", or "who do you talk to and about what for so long that is better than talking to me? and why do you feel you cannot talk to me anymore?"... or "what has been on your mind this month that has kept you away from me".


Make them deep questions and make sure you dont sound offensive, so he doesnt have to get DEfensive... so that it opens some communication and lets him feel comfortable about talking to you.


and be sure not to use your daughter or attack him when he says how he feels ... no matter how WRONG you think it is... just reply by saying "why do you feel that way"... if he answers and it still sounds wrongful to you, again say "well then, what makes you feel THAT way" until he can no longer find a reason. then give him your point of view.


secondly... i strongly urge you to get a babysitter and go hand in hand to couples counseling at church or wherever.


good luck.



Love Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 7:59am

i agree with this post! STOP talking to your daughter - you are only scaring her and mixing her up. START sitting down and talking with your husband. he says he wants to work on this - then both of you get to work.


good luck

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 10:33am

Clearly the two of you can't go on the way you are going now. His behavior is causing a lot of anxiety and suspicion and understandably so. If he says he doesn't know why he does the things he does - tell him that if he wants to stay in the marriage, he's got to take charge of his behavior and find out. This is not something he or you can handle alone. It certainly sounds like the two of you need outside help in dealing with whta's going on. Get to a good, well trained, marriage counsellor and psychologist for him. This will be a place in which he can confront his behavior, get a grip on it, and where the two of you can work on re-building trust and healthy communication. When a marriage gets so out of hand, it is most often

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:24am
I tried to make my story as small as possible. Maybe I should have explain more. My daughter wasn't used. my husband had already walked out on us and my daughter wanted to know where her father was. She noticed that he didn't sleep in the bed and was gone for some time. I pushed the issue off for some time. But as the days went by, she kept asking. So, I told her that I wasn't sure if Daddy was coming back. I didn't know where he was and she would have to wait for him to call. Which he never did. I'm not going to keep lying to my 5 year old. Why, because I didn't walk out on her - he did. I don't feel that i am setting her up. I would never hurt my daughter on purpose. Nor do i want her to think this is how a man should treat her. but, I will let her know and have- that mommy will never leave her and will do everything in my power to protect her.